False allegation from my ex

[Go green light]

I have been out of my relationship for a few years now and feel that I have been able to move on with my life. He has still continued to make things as difficult as possible since we separated, mainly by using our child as a weapon and manipulating the contact arrangements. I actually fell into the trap recently of thinking he might have calmed down as there have been no dramas for awhile.

Then out of the blue I received a phone call from the police saying that he had reported an allegation against me. He accused me of raping him and I had to go down to the police station for a formal interview. So I had to sit with 2 male police officers and a male solicitor and answer personal and intimate questions about our past sex life.

As well as that experience being obviously unpleasant it has made me revisit everything about the relationship and taken me back into the past. It has brought up some difficult feelings which I thought I had left behind. I just feel physically sick and utterly disgusted that he could do something like this. Also I felt quite numb and detached for awhile, and very emotionally vulnerable.

I suppose it is a sign of how much I have moved on that these feelings have taken me by surprise, as I used to struggle with them on a daily basis and had forgotten what it felt like.

I know this is just a temporary setback but I’m just so angry that he can still do these things to hurt me. Also I’m wondering what he will next, if he is going to apply to court again for more contact.

Just thought I would share my feelings as I know people on here will understand.

[freedomtochoose]

I notice that you hadn’t had any replies lovely, so didn’t want to read and run.

This sounds very difficult, but my guess is (and others may have more expertise than I in this field) that the police have to investigate if an allegation is made.

My gut feeling is that they will have found it difficult too, but have had to do their job.

Please try not to be intimidated and stay strong. Sometimes I think these things are like some dark sort of chess game where we need to be one step ahead always.

I have recently heard from someone I had a dystfunctional relationship with and they reckoned they were ‘touched inappropriately by some woman whose flat they were in.

I fully accept that abuse happenes with women as perpetrators too, but my first thought was ‘well how come they were in the woman’s flat’ and also the question ‘why did they choose to phone me up and tell me about it’ . Not straightforward.

Hang in there lovely

xx

[Go green light]

Thanks for your reply. The police were actually very understanding and said it’s very unlikely to go any further. Just shocked but not surprised at how low he will go

[KIP.]

Hey there, I’ve had false ridiculous accusations too. And police involved. It’s shocking. I’ve been away from my abuser a few years now. Recently he reported me to DWP. It’s like they can sense when we are just getting to grips with life. Moving on happily and they do their utmost to drag us down. Did you accuse him of similar at any stage because my ex just blamed me for everything he did to me. Although thus far he left rape out. Unless the police have chased him. Absolute zero contact with this man. Don’t give him the chance to make stuff up.

[maddog]

I spoke to my daughter about the night my husband had me arrested. I have questioned what he accused me of. He said I punched him 4 times. My daughter said she remembers me shouting at him and waving my arms around. That evening, he was like a mass of seething vitriol. He was a wall of passive aggressive spite and behaving as though I did not exist. He has lied to the police since this incident, and I have no memory whatsoever of punching him. I asked him where on his body and what were the injuries. He replied that there were no marks or injuries.

[Go green light]

Hi, thanks everyone for the replies. It’s amazing how similar these abusive men are to each other! It’s good to know I’m not on my own, although of course I would not wish this experience on anyone. I have learnt over the years to document everything, keep communication to the absolute minimum which we have to do in relation to child contact arrangements. I have found he will contradict himself and then ends up looking stupid as he will make an allegation and then say the exact opposite. Like applying for non-molestation order against me and then insisting that I come to his house to pick up our son.

I just wish I had pressed charges against him for assault but at the time I foolishly felt sorry for him so didn’t take things further. Now when I talk about his abuse that is just an allegation too and no proof. But I have lots of evidence that paints a picture of which way the power imbalance in the relationship was and I took this with me to my police interview which helped.

Maddog you are only human and if you have lived with his abuse you will at times feel angry and express that. This does not mean you are abusing him.

[maddog]

It sounds good, Go Green Light, to keep communication to a bare minimum. I am trying to do that as well. I reported my h to the police again yesterday, and again a DASH form. Because my husband doesn’t stalk me (I don’t think) he falls beneath the radar.

He tells me unequivocally that it is my responsibility to prepare and get the house on the market. If I leave with the children, nothing will happen so I feel well and truly trapped. I feel like cinderella without the handsome prince (but with WA, which is far better), but it’s terrifying. My gp says he can only give me things to keep me calm enough to cope.

I have told my husband that clearing the house is very expensive and that all his belongings will end up in a skip if he choses to have nothing to do with it. This is true. I will be in a position of treating him as though he were dead as he lurks around making his presence felt.

I have also told him that several people have told me that they fear him. Of course he told me not to be stupid. The police have been useless and sent me back to WA, literally from where I had come from.

I shudder to think what he will lie about next. I saw him at the surgery and he had already told me that he was going to tell the gp that I was mad and an unfit mother.

[Sunshine]

Go green light,
I can’t imagine what that must of felt like for you. That is truely awful and to have to have contact over your children must be a total nightmare. Hope you manage to raise above him and stay strong.
Mad dog,
Fingers crossed you manage to get the result over the house you need and find peace! They only bring us down and life is hard enough without it xx

[Ayanna]

Wth!!! This is not even possible in most relationships because men are physically stronger than women.
What a vile piece of sh..!!!

[Author]

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