Family connections

[IndecisiveGirl]

I’ve posted quite a lot recently, I didn’t yesterday though which was a bad idea really because I just got more and more confused and upset about things.

Brief overview: emotional/psychological abuse from my boyfriend, heavily pregnant, I left once and came back to him, lives miles away from all my family and friends, thinking daily of leaving again but then change my mind/he convinces me to stay because of positive changes he’s making now.

My Mum and Dad are now distancing themselves from me again, they say if I’m staying here with him then I need to get on with it, I’ll always have a room for me and baby to go home to theirs whenever I do decide to leave but they can’t be involved in this relationship after everything my OH has done and it’s also all made them actually I’ll. My Dad said that (detail removed by moderator)

I feel disgusted in myself, and I don’t want to lose my family because of my OH. I change my mind on a daily basis about it all, because since I’ve come back my OH seems to have gradually changed for the better, but coming back is isolating myself because his previous behaviour over the years has done too much harm.

I keep thinking to myself, you know what, I really should leave, I should be loyal to my family. My OH has made so many threats against my family to me in the past, (detail removed by moderator)

I’m due to have this baby very soon, any day now, and a huge part of me right now is thinking I should just go back home tomorrow, yes I do love my OH and I genuinely think he’s changed, but he’s done me and my family a lot of harm over the years and I don’t want to lose them. I’ve been trying to forgive him for everything he’s done, but my parents can’t forgive him, and if I can’t have them all in my life then maybe I should just give up on my relationship after everything he has done?

I know if I went home my parents and friends would all support me, I could have a year off with baby and when I was ready try to get my career back on track (I have a (detail removed by moderator) degree for goodness sake). If I stay here, I have my OH and baby, no friends (just his family and friends that have dismissed any abuse) and my OH has mentioned not going back to work for a few years to raise the little one, but he’s also said that’s only because he’d love to be able to provide that for me so I could have that time as I’d be the best person for it, but I know it would mess up all the opportunities and aspirations I have i life aswell. He has said before, I think even recently, that I’ll never earn as much as him but my response to that was, I could if I had the opportunity, but how do I know unless I have that chance?

[Flowerchild]

Darling, your choice here is not a binary one. Your parents have made it abundantly clear that they are there for you and love you, offering to provide a home for you and your baby if you ever want or need it.

They have just said that they can’t cope any more with the push/pull roller coaster of being your advisers through this relationship and that it’s making them I’ll. I totally get this – I know how terrifying and draining it can be when an adult child is in and out of an abusive relationship. You want to rescue them but they keep going back into danger and you can’t stop them. And now they have a grandchild due soon to worry about as well. They must be frantic.
They may also be feeling guilty that somehow they have enabled you to keep going back and they will definitely know that this point in the relationship with a baby due is the time you are at highest risk. I have nightmares about my child being murdered: I bet that prospect haunts your parents day and night.

He possibly wants you at home looking after the baby to keep you isolated and under his control in every way, though he dresses it up as protection. You posed a threat to his toxic masculinity with your intelligence and skills, and pregnancy and motherhood is the oldest way in the book to keep you from out-earning him! He’s already undermining your confidence with his comments.

Can I ask if this baby was what you yourself wanted and chose, or did he arrange things so it just happened by badgering or forcing you or sabotaging contraception in some way? So many men object to using the most readily available method!

I would just say things will get massively more stressful and scary once the baby arrives and can serve as a hostage for him to control you. It will get way, way harder to get out. It will never be easier than now, darling

Flower x

[IndecisiveGirl]

Thanks Flowerchild, I’m sorry to hear you can relate to what my parents are going through. It must be so hard and frustrating.
And neither of us planned the pregnancy, I was still on contraception. But he did try to advise me to not talk to my parents about it initially as he wanted me to have an abortion.

[HopeLifeJoy]

Oh my dear, being at the final stage of being pregnant and having these thoughts going round your mind isn’t easy.
What does your gut tell you?
Pls listen well to your gut feeling.

Would you like to hear my opinion? I would grab a bag and take up the offer to go stay with your parents.
It just sounds lovely to have the support and love of your family and friends around while giving birth and be around them with your new born in your arms and later on picking up your career again and be financially independent.
The life you have ahead of you sounds very appealing and seems to give you freedom and happiness and on the logistical side it is much more efficient to live near your family and friends to be able to balance and enjoy both your baby and your career than the life your husband is offering you; to stay at home, isolated and financially dependent on him.

If the past can teach us anything, his past behaviour are predicting his future. He will continue his behaviour, now he just decided to put his bad behaviour on hold for God knows why. He is abusive. The cycle of abuse. Good behaviour/bad behaviour. The good behaviour is always very good. Of course. Otherwise we would never stay in the first place. But it never stays that way. The bad behaviour comes back. Even love cannot fight that.

The good news is that the door at your parents stay open for you without expiration date. So you decide whatever and whenever you want to do at your own pace.

I wish you the best and healthiest delivery, may you and your baby be healthy and safe.
Keep posting when you can. Big hug to you.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi IG, just want to let you know I’m thinking of you, only you can decide to leave, I feel if I say too much it’ll come across as just giving you more pressure and you get enough of that from him. Keep in touch sweetheart, keep learning about abusive behaviour, try keeping a journal of his behaviour from now on and the good, (it might come with stipulations)and by writing it down you’ll see it clearer. We’re always here for you to talk to.
Love and best wishes for you and your wee baby
IWMB 💕💕

[KIP.]

Him wanting you to stay at home and not return to work is how he will tighten his grip and control on you. He wants you to have to rely on him. Abusers isolate us from friends and family. I’ve been where you and and my advice is to run, and run fast to your parents and friends. Grab all that love and help and support. If he truly loves you he will let you go where you feel safe and happy and secure. Don’t make the mistake I made. The abuse made me too ill to work and I was at home at his beck and call for decades of abuse.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi IG, how are you doing, just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you, like flowerchild, I know only too well what it is for my child to be in fear of an abusive partner. She had to take drastic actions as he wasn’t letting her leave the house which required an ambulance. Take care sweetheart. You’ll be in my prayers tonight again 💕💕

[IndecisiveGirl]

I think I’ve decided to go home (detail removed by moderator). I lied to him about a conversation with my Dad and he started calling him and making threats again. He blamed it on me lying but I just tried to explain to him that I lied because it’s what I’ve gotten used to, I lie because I worry about his reaction to things.
I said I’m sick of this, I’m going to go home (detail removed by moderator). I’m sick of threatening to go home then changing my mind, but (detail removed by moderator) the threats he made, even though he wasn’t shouting/swearing and he was more controlled, i felt like it just showed his horrible side is still there. Threatening to smash the house up so I can’t get decent valuations and stuff, threatening to not come to the birth. It breaks my heart but I really just need to be strong.

[Iwantmeback]

Just because he’s not raised his voice doesn’t make his threats any the less. In fact it makes them more threatening doesn’t it? Threatening to smash the house are just that, threats. If he carries them out then that would give you the chance to involve the police. Don’t let on that’s what you’d do. He’ll say anything to get you to stay, his threats are escalating by the sounds of it😔 can you text your dad to let him know you are going home tomorrow, your oh won’t know he’s coming and it’ll be extremely hard to keep it a secret but by not carrying out your threats he’s gotten into this cycle too. He doesn’t believe you’ll leave him, he doesn’t believe his abuse is bad enough because you are still staying. So by staying it is giving him the go ahead to increase it more and more. I believe in you sweetheart, you are stronger than you realise. Just think tomorrow night you could be safe and with your parents. Nothing else matters bar your safety and that of your child. Soon you’ll be holding him or her in your arms. The best of wishes. 💕💕

[IndecisiveGirl]

(detail removed by moderator) I got up and packed what I needed in the car and left, at least for the weekend, I don’t know.

I love him and want him, and all the changes he’s made so far have been good. But I feel so distant and isolated from my parents being so far away and I think that is a huge issue in my relationship because of where we lift.

I’m no longer really sure how to tell the difference between relationship issues and actual abuse?

The changes he has made are good, and they say that abusive people can’t just change overnight, which he hasn’t. But every time he does something good, I do feel for him because who knows if it’s genuine or like the helpline says it’s manipulative and he’s just trying to get me to stay?

[KIP.]

Your mind is grasping at the good things he does and ignoring the huge list of abusive controlling behaviour. That’s your brain trying to protect you from the pain. Start by writing a list of all this things he has done to you and how they have made you feel. Abusers don’t change and it always gets worse. Not being able to tell the difference between relationship issues and abuse is a sure sign you’re being abused. In a good relationship there is no grey area. I always ask myself if I would treat someone like he treated me. The answer was always no. Have you read ‘Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven? Keep in touch with women’s aid for support and try to stay zero contact with your abuser. Contact brings mind games and manipulation at a time when he should be supportive and loving he will try to destroy and peace and bond you have with your child. You deserve much better as does your child x

[InHope]

Hi IndecisiveGirl
Threats will mean one thing to you and another thing to the next person. Some people can take it harder than others. But that doesn’t make it ok. The main thing is if you’ve told him it’s making you feel rubbish, he should stop. If he doesn’t, it’s bullying. Condescending your career can be a horrible little way of controlling you by putting a bit of doubt and fear in you and making you feel inferior, and make you feel like you need him, which is manipulative.
While you decide what you want to do, (though you do sound very positive), please keep calling your parents, even if just to say hi, they love you unconditionally xx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi IG, 👏😘. Try and not let him into your day too often. Let him know when he can phone(if you want any contact that is)and if he pushes your boundaries, stop contact. A weekend isn’t enough time for you to get your head straight or for him to change. The minute you stand up for any boundaries you put in place or just to saying no, he’ll show his true colours. You’ve been amazing, you did it, I am very very proud of you. No contact is the best way for you to heal, but as with everything it’s your choice. Remember, you dont owe him a thing. Write down everything he’s said and done that’s hurt you, emotionally and physically. Now that you are away, contact WA, you’ll have breathing space to be able to talk to them freely. Well done, I actually feel as I can breathe now too for you, is that crazy? 😏💞

[HopeLifeJoy]

I am very pleased too to read that you’ve decided to got to your parents IndecisiveGirl , it made me jump right out of my chair and say yes!! Well done girl!!

Of course we all pray for you that you get out of the fog and can see clearly that the only action you ever have to take in your entire life is to stay well away from abuse, your abusive man that is, and stay safe.

It is quite sad but handy that all abusers use the exact! same abuse manual.
Mine too told me I would be the best mum in the world and that’s why I should stay at home with our baby. I did stay. Then went back to work. Then had another baby. Quit my job again. Was terribly financially dependent on him.
Unfortunately it was never about how good a mum at home I would be, it was all about making me dependent of him, him controlling and dominating me completely, it made completely sick to the point of having daily panic attacks before I finally left. It didn’t end well unfortunately but that’s another story.

Just remember his past behaviour. It will absolutely predict his future behaviour. An abusive future.

I hope for yourself and baby you can spare yourself the headache of going through all this BS, since all abusers function the exact same way and use the same tricks, just learn form us not from him. It is trauma bond that is holding you connected to him.
Read it up when you can. It isn’t the same as love.
Love is what you parents and friends are offering you. Unconditional freedom, support, love.

Wishing you the best of the best 💕

[Flowerchild]

Darling, I’m soooo glad you’re with your parents right now.

Your OH may well have some good moments – even mass murderers aren’t committing crimes 24/7, right? – but you’ve gold us some really key things: the baby wasn’t planned by either of you; he wanted you to keep the pregnancy secret and terminate it; he is threatening not to be at the both; he is threatening to sabotage any sale of the house.

Now, my question is this: how does that level of undermining, control, threat and uncertainty really sit with you? What a heavily pregnant woman needs is a calm, secure, supportive environment where she can prepare joyfully for the birth surrounded by positive, reliable and encouraging helpers.

The last thing you need is any stress, aggravation and uncertainty. If he can’t it won’t step up now to be a fully adult, responsible partner, what kind of father is he going to make?

Have you had those dreamy conversations about names and who the baby might take after? Has he been enraptured with the growth of the bump and listened enthralled to the heartbeat?

How will he cope when all your attention is focused on a tiny, smelly screamer that interrupts his sleep, costs a bomb and whose needs and care always come before his own?

Hope for the best but prepare for the worst is my advice.

Crossing my fingers for you and your vulnerable little one, lovely IG.

Flower x

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