16th October 2019 at 9:29 am #89716
My elder kiddies are in therapy, long term and one seriously unwell with their mental health. Touch and go as to whether they will require residential help.
My question is this, have any of you been referred for family therapy? Your experience or thoughts would be helpful.
So far I understand we have a choice to include my husband or it can be just me and kiddies.
The therapy is coming from NHS EWMHS/CAMHS and having seen my kiddies for some time they will be quite aware there is a history here. Also, due to my eldest being in a therapeutic school the school have been very involved and have tried hard to get us a social worker due to the abuse.
I am in the dark as to what the point of the therapy may be? I know they will discuss it with me alone first and then the kids individually. I also feel my husband will feel attacked.
School being so involved and spoken to the person organising the therapy say it’s to help us move forward, perhaps learn to deal with husbands behaviour.
I’m guessing it’s possibly to help us move away from him?
If any one can shed some light?
Thank you x*x
16th October 2019 at 11:21 am #89720maddogParticipant
I went to family therapy with my abusive ex. It helped me to recognise in a small way that he was abusive. It made no difference to him though. Since then we have had other family involvement which didn’t include him and it was brilliant and helped us to find ways through the difficulties brought about by him.
It’s fantastic that you already recognise the impact of your husband on the behaviour of you and the children. It’s you and the children who need support. Your husband won’t change.
If your husband feels attacked, it really isn’t your problem. Also, if you’re all together, you won’t be able to speak freely and whatever you do divulge will be held against you by him. Remember, he is collecting data. He’s not interested in your welfare or the children’s.
Family therapy can be really helpful in breaking cycles and recognising patterns of behaviour. It also helps to remove the stigma of the sufferer by seeing the suffering in the context of what is happening in the family.
17th October 2019 at 10:08 am #89767
Maddog thanks for replying and explaining how it has worked for you. I totally see what you describe. You’ve said exactly what I thought regards your ex and how it worked with him or not worked. I’ve been anxious about this too, as I know how it may go in regard to my husbands involvement in any therapy really be it this or previously marriage counselling (which we tried). It doesn’t go well and with the kids involved too I’m hoping it’s not going to make things worse. Not sure if he will participate.
So I’m hoping it will help the kids and I as it’s been a confusing and highly anxious time, more so now their older and see what’s happening.
10th September 2020 at 10:01 am #113372
Old post and still here. Began family therapy which has now been narrowed down and become couples therapy through CAHMS/(removed by moderator)
The therapist and my husband get on fantastic.she feels he’s (removed by moderator).
I say yes he does understand and that’s why we get along but he then seems to forget our families difficulties and things go sour.
I’m concerned that they get on, he is presenting as his better self. That I will be blamed for being over sensitive. Or that I’m a big part if the problem in my reactions.
I don’t feel I can back out as there’s some hope that we can fix things. However, it’s all so complex I’m can’t see how.
I also want to present as willing to work with CAMHS as I always have. And as whatever is going on at home is affecting the children’s mental wellbeing.
I’m doubting now it’s abusive, again!
10th September 2020 at 5:52 pm #113405CamelParticipant
Couples counselling is a very bad idea. I’ve said this before, couples counselling works on the assumption that the two of you need to ‘work at’ your relationship. It assumes that you share equal responsibility for the state of the relationship. It assumes that the relationship can be fixed.
I’ve also experienced exactly the same as you. In no time at all, my ex and the female counsellor had built up a rapport. He managed to make himself look like the victim of my unreasonable behaviour. I’d suggested counselling to deal with his pathological jealousy. Instead of probing him on his behaviour the counsellor suggested I change mine – it was all my fault alone, I provoked his jealousy.
If you can get out of these sessions I think you should. If you feel you can’t (because it would make you look bad) then you must be careful. Accept that everything you reveal will be stored up by him (and the counsellor) to use against you. Everything you say can be twisted. You could adopt the style of a counsellor – answer every question with another question.
Just a silly example:
Counsellor: How do you feel when you argue?
You: I’m not sure I understand, how does anyone feel when they argue?
10th September 2020 at 8:28 pm #113418IwantmebackParticipant
Hi chocolate bunny, it’s been a while since I last posted. I went to couples counselling with my oh, well he went to a counsellor off his own back and then I went to a few. Big mistake. If the counselor is only seeing your ih in his good portrayal, you’ll never get anywhere. I was also told by my own counsellor that having therapy while living with the abuser is counter productive as you are still living in the combat zone so to speak. It’s not until you’re away that you can see things a lot clear. I’m sad to see you’re still there but I also know everyone one of our journeys is ours to take, baby steps was my mantra and still is most days.
Stay strong, you are stronger than you realise, you’re still there, that takes incredible strength of character.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞
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