Far enough away?

[Inneedofsomepeace]

As you know we have been in refuge for sometime. But i have now been advised to consider if we have moved far enough away! How do you make that decision? I would make us so isolated.

[Daisy]

Inneedofsomepeace,
Not sure who is asking you that and why they feel it is a concern, but I guess you may not be able to answer that here- your comment about any further will isolate you is very valid and important though, especially as it’s YOUR concern.
I would say that if you are far enough away to feel pretty safe,
to feel that you can go outside the door and about your daily business with relatively little or no fear and anxiety about him being around or likely to be near,in the main.
If to get where you are has cost or inconvenience to the distance, tolls etc that would make it less of a regular journey for him to make on a whim or impulse, or reaction etc.
If further will leave you in an isolated position and less able to reach support you have and people you want to be able to, I think you are right to stand firm on your current location, after all it effects you the most, the risk is yours and there’s got to be a limit to how much we have to give up and the effect it has on us, right,
X x x

[SaharaD]

Hi INOSP

I agree with Daisy.

You know your abuser best.

For example, I know my abusive husband is a coward and is lazy. He would have to face what he has done to me and he would probably have to pay someone to find me. I know he can but I also know finding me means facing what he has done. So not looking for me means that he can pretend that it didn’t happen.

However I don’t have his children. It might be a case that your abuser might never give up on his children. You have to think how safe you are and feel. What kind of plans he might make. What type of operator he might be.

Have a good think about it.

[Inneedofsomepeace]

I sometimes wish I was still with him! I could almost read him knew what mood he was in. Now I have no idea what he is thinking or planning. I know for now atleast he is in prison so we are safe, he wouldn’t have the money to hire anyone. I want to say he is an idol b&%£;d he has threatened all sorts but now we are not there it would be to much like hard work to get up and actually have to find us, that now he will just use emotional abuse make idol threats and control us that way! But I also know he will be fuming that I sent him to prison! And I have no doubt he would kill me if he did find us.

Lisa is there any average distance its recommended you move??

[Lisa]

Hi Inneedofsomepeace,

In answer to your question, there is no recommended distance, it is really an individual choice as to what distance you feel safe. It is different for each survivor according to the risk that they are at.
So really it is up to you. It’s also important that you get some good safety planning in place, which your refuge worker should be able to help you with.

Kind Regards,

Lisa

[Savingmyself]

Hiya Inneed
You are still in the refuge so do you now what area you wish to live ?
He is in prison so do you know where he will be living when he gets out ?
Hun you never sent him to prison the crown did because he broke the law his fault nothing to do with you . He is to blame not you
You will have to be top secret with your new address
Big hugs xx

[Inneedofsomepeace]

I’m still in refuge and if the truth be told I don’t want to move further away, and be further isolated! I know what prison he is in and where he will live when he gets out. I know ultimately it was his actions that put him where he is, but also, and I know this is how he will see it, if I hadn’t left if I hadn’t gone to the police, if I hadn’t testified against him he wouldn’t be there. Also if I hadn’t annoyed him made him angry! So I know for a fact if he finds me he will kill me. He has strangled me before so to me he has clearly shown me he is capable of killing me if he wanted to. Where ever we live after refuge I want to know what can be done to protect us

[Daisy]

Yes, In need I think you are spot on in your last post,
that is how they often interpret it because it’s always someone else to blame rather than themselves, in their warped minds.
Did you get any protection orders in place following the attacks and are they long lasting?
X x x

[Inneedofsomepeace]

Daisy I have a restraining order that has been made for an indefinite period of time.

[Daisy]

Brilliant inneed,
if you now have a location / area in mind you can get researching all the offers of extra security, safety camera’s, support groups etc available in that area for you,
X x x

[Author]

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