Father’s Day

[omtdp]

Hello everyone,

I’m new here, just starting to come to terms with what has happened to me over a number of years and new to being a single parent.

My ex is not willing to go through the courts for access and so I am refusing contact. But with Father’s Day coming up next weekend I’m feeling very guilty and feeling my resolve weaken. Anyone else in the same boat?

I know that if I give in this time it undermines what I keep saying: that if he wants to see her he needs to get a court order, but it is hard to know they won’t see eachoher on Father’s Day (not helped by advertising about it everywhere obviously).

Thanks for any words of support.

[Hereforhelp]

Hi there and yes I am in the same boat… my 2 children are teenagers so I asked them what they wanted to do for Father’s day(my 2 decided not to see their dad, he still pushes and I know one of our children might start contact again). We are going out for a walk, then to family fir dinner, then out again… we are keeping as busy as possible as my husband is still an abusive narc the same as yours, so why would they deserve to be celebrated?
Mine has made life harder since separating, he tried to use our children as pawns… nope I do not feel guilty, I do feel sorry for my children that their dad is an utter t**t who still takes no responsibility for anything.

Sending lots of love and strength ❤️

[Twisted Sister]

If you have a father then this day can be about him?

You have no guilt to carry. He has all the guilt and shame for what he’s done. Hold your head high and drop any guilt as I’m sure you have all been through so much as a direct result of him, this is not what ‘fathers’ day’ is for or about. Why should he get any ‘appreciation’ for his crimes?

Obviously if any of your children want to see their dad, or send a card (lots of schools will make kids join in a father’s day activity of some sort, which needs to stop tbh) then that can be a way of dealing with a no direct contact situation. It doesn’t sound like he’s been any sort of father though, so the children should not have to revere him as one.

If he won’t go to court for properly structured contact then his loss, your children (and you), will be better of without him.

warmest wishes

ts

[Hereforhelp]

I think, because you are going through the courts that it would probably be best not to allow contact. These men will take more and more if you give an inch. Also it may confuse your children. You are their rock! You got out of an abusive relationship and are moving on.. I have also and it is incredibly hard…. you have nothing to feel guilty for. If you imagine letting them have contact eith him how would it go? Would it be him on best behaviour to show you and your kids how great he is? Or would he be moody/victim? I ask this as these men all have different persona’s, like chameleons…. if I let mine see their dad he would be overly lovely, caring, calm and they would probably want to see him again and he would use this to impact me (and them) for aa long as he is involved so I am not risking it as no good can come from it really xx

[omtdp]

Thank you both, yes you’re right and it’s good to hear what you say and know it’s true.

My daughter is too young to fully understand and make her own decisions, but old enough to know the day is coming up and likely have questions especially this week as they will no doubt be talking about it in school.

(Detail removed by Moderator).

He has only seen her once as I’m trying to insist he apply to the court, and he acted the victim, asked her to pass on messages etc as you say.

I know it’s for the best but feeling anxious today about the week ahead x

[Twisted Sister]

…and your anxiety is completely understandable after all you have been through. Are there any more ways that you can think of that will make you feel more safe and less anxious?

What would be your main worries / risks? No need to say them here, just something to think about and whether there are any practical things you can put in place to increase your sense of safety. Have you changed the house locks for instance? Do you have alarms/camera’s?

I think the feelings you have will be being experienced by many survivors this week, and they need to stop promoting this in school, they are always saying how there is too little time for the curriculum, they should be using this time to give education around boundaries/abuse, vital for their survival, noone is going to die because they didn’t get a card/little gift (unless by an entitled abuser perhaps).

Its all very ridiculous anyway, no child ever asked to be born and doesn’t owe us anything.

Be ready with your statements of abuses if he does pursue child contact through courts, which I assume you already have plenty of because you’ve already secured an occupation order.

I hope its going to be a good week for you and you can enjoy some of the better weather coming up.

warmest wishes

ts

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