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Hello there,
Feel caught between a rock and a hard place at the moment somehow emotionally.I have had to be very strong in recent years as no doubt have many of us.
Still, there are things I struggle with emotionally, mainly stuff that is the aftermath of what happened, emotionally, financially and so on. Also, the contact arrangements are hard, no matter which way they are framed and no matter if we have low contact.
What I’m struggling with at the moment is when I reach out to for example a well-known helpline because I need to talk at an odd moment. From certain people (and I have had this in person from some people as well) – the moment I only briefly mention or journey over the past ten or so years…the reaction seems divided into one of two camps…
either
1) ‘you seem like a strong woman’ inference being that I don’t need to talk, or don’t feel cxxp sometimes or don’t struggle, or that practical things are not a huge challenge (they are at times…)or alternatively:
2) that I am my child are inevitably somehow dysfunctional/needy/ ‘vulnerable’.
Both responses I find difficult, as far as I am concerned, I am just me, my life is just my life and I don’t stereotype myself like that….
These sorts of dynamics I find isolating, as it as actually stopped me sharing with certain people – I put it down to a lack of awareness of d.a. and aftermath.
does that make sense to anyone else? I really don’t know what to do with it…
all best
ftc
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I can relate to 1). I had been asking for help for years. ( it took me (detail removed by moderator) years to leave) and the response was always something along those lines “you’re a strong woman”. Well, obviously I didn’t feel it. I’m educated, well-spoken , and employed full time, so it seemed there was just an assumption that “ everything will work out fine” I didn’t seem to be able to find any practical help, just advice. I knew what I needed to do, was having a hard time getting started.
I don’t know how to change attitudes like this. It seems that you get more help if you appear to make yourself helpless.
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hello there, it seems like catch 22 to me, doesn’t it?
For me if I had appeared ‘helpless’ I would have played straight into my ex’s hands then, as he was already using coercive control and threatening to take my chld away via the courts.Of course he didn’t succeed and all that stuff about me being a cxxp mum etc eventually dismantled. But it was one reason why, no matter how I felt, I wasn’t going to break down in tears in front of him (or in court).
Difficult isn’t it?
any more thoughts ladies -
I kind of feel the opposite I feel like ive become very ‘tough’ only on the exterior. I expect people not to understand and it frustrates me. I don’t stand for bulling whether it be in the work place or any where but I do feel people try to. It upsets me I do take it personally and sometimes I don’t know how to deal with it, I worry I deal with it in an assertive aggressive way ? ouch im being very honest here I am a nice person I will admit I have no tolerance at all for ignorance – im sorry you feel this way FTC I agree it makes me feel very alone in this situation sometimes and I don’t like being seen as vulnerable but I can be at times xx
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Hi ftc, again it’s the stereotypes that people can only relate to. When faced with ‘real life’ people and the consequences of abuse many people cannot process it because we look just like them, so they’ll cover it over, by saying oh but you seem so strong. But come across as too strong, ie not acting like a sterotypical victim, then you’ve not really been abused have you. But like you say act like a’ victim’ you play into his hands. Like everything in life that counts, there’s nothing black and white about abuse.
Best wishes IWMB 💕💕 -
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