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    • #115593
      Angelwings9999
      Participant

      I I was in a relationship for around (detail removed by moderator). He broke up with me (detail removed by moderator). On the surface a lovely man. But it is only now I am really questioning it all. For after each break up he blamed me. I didnt love him enough,have enough sex, was bad for his self esteem, he just wasn’t happy, he was drinking and smoking too much because I made him unhappy. Yet each time he came back. And stupidly I took him back. First time he left me was (detail removed by moderator) after I had rented out my house to move in with him. I had to move out and stay with my mother for (detail removed by moderator) as couldn’t move back to my house due to tenants. (Detail removed by moderator) and (detail removed by moderator) as we came out of lockdown. Each time he has wooed me back and given it his all. This final time he had moved someone in with him. Told me it was a short term thing, he didn’t love her. Had left me for her previously afterer seeing her on and off (detail removed by moderator). But ended it to come back to me. This time he literally threw all he had at me. Heartfelt messages, he loved me more than anyone ever, he couldn’t live without me anymore, he wanted to be with me forever, thought about me all time, meaningfull presents, flowers, messages. Told me he had family coming to stay but once they left would end it with her and come to me. Spent (detail removed by moderator) on tenterhooks, he messaged me telling me it was torture, couldn’t wait for week to end. I asked him how members of his family were, he told me. He mentioned various things they did. He told me (detail removed by moderator) to be over so he could finish with her.He told me he had made mistakes Nd thought it was over between us but realised we were meant to be together. I love him, I believed him, I fell for it all. Believe it or not I am a sensible, often cynical person who doesn’t suffer fools gladly. But I fell for it all. He left her, he called me to tell me he was coming up to mine. I got a new (detail removed by moderator). I looked and there were (detail removed by moderator) pictures (detail removed by moderator) and some cryptic messages including some (detail removed by moderator). I realised it wasn’t who I thought itvwas, despite me mentioning her name he never corrected me. It was the woman he had left me for (detail removed by moderator)! He arrived at mine. We talked, he told me who he was seeing, I said I know! He then said he had been (detail removed by moderator). I was shocked and said what, why, how! He said (detail removed by moderator)!!! I was so happy to be with him I felt highly suspicious but let it go. We spent (detail removed by moderator) together, we booked a trip away, he said he couldn’t believe he was so happy. He went home for a few days, we planned what to do the day he was coming back. He kisses me passionetly left saying he would call me the next day. He did, said he would call the next said see me that night. Didnt call, I called him, said he couldn’t talk would call back. Finally did and I knew!! He broke it off. He said he was drinking too much again,and smoking, implying its my fault all aways does it when with me, said he knew I was trying ( to do what? Love him adore him! ) but it wasn’t enough. And that was it. I feel I have been manipulated and used over and over. He has mad me feel worthless and that I didnt try hard enough to keep him. I am so confused. When I tell people the things he said and did I feel mad. Cant believe I put myself through it. But he has a weird hold on me.
      I have read a lot about vulnerable n*********s, I think he has a problem but always makes it me. I feel so used, hurt, angry. Devastated to have fallen for his lies and his manipulative ways. I am so low, hurt and miss him so much. I told him that this was the last time, it was over. He said he knew that. He said the butterflies he always felt for me were just mot enough. He couldn’t let his friends and family down by seeing me again. God knows what he had told them about me. I can’t get over him or stop feeling like it was my fault. If only I had been better, stronger, sexier.

    • #115595
      fizzylem
      Participant

      This man was unavailable, could only think of his own selfish needs. He simply was not capable of considering your feelings was he, narcs can’t do this, consider feelings, or process their own, their brains can only see the world from a me me me persepctive, they are slaves to their ego. He has shown a serious lack of emotional maturity; blaming you, never taking on any personal responsibilty.

      Your heart is sore now but it will mend, you have dodged a bullit, you could have married him! Hope you’ve blocked him now and cut him out of your life, the less you know about him and the more distance you put between you the easier it becomes.

      A telling sign is how he treats others; it was not ok for him to treat you or any other woman the way he has. It was not ok for him to blame you, nor leave you out to dry the number of times he did, it sounds like he enjoyed the chase and the control this gave him each time you returned, sadly, each time you went back this only told him he can behave how he likes and you will never leave. Try to take some meaningful lessons from this moving forwards.

      It’s really sad that your love was not enough, it should be hey, but this tells us more about him, how self entitled, unappreciative and disrespecftul he is. He sounds like a mysogynist to me – which means he will never truly love any woman, doesn’t know how, women are fools and here to serve me only. The good news is that however hard he was on you with the balme and criticism, know this, when he turns things in on himself, and he does sometimes, he is ten times harder on himself. He can really go to town on the self loathing; you get what you give hey. This man will never find happiness with anyone and anyone he does inflict himself upon will only get more of the same devastation. Don’t waste anymore time than you need thinking about this man, process things yes, so you can let him go and move forwards head held high because he showed you a number of worthwhile lessons; promise yourself no man will ever do this to me ever again x

    • #115847
      Camel
      Participant

      Hello Angelwings

      You articulate beautifully the modus operandi of the emotional abuser. It’s uncanny how your recent experiences could describe the early days with my abuser. I mention early days for a reason. Because I bet you’ll find that you got entangled in all his drama in no time at all.

      He broke up with you, repeatedly, somehow persuading you that this ‘relationship’ was worth fighting for. Despite being a ‘nice man on the surface’ he made you feel like sh*t, unworthy, flawed and ultimately responsible for the health of the relationship. You moved in with him, probably against your wishes and better judgement, probably because he went on and on, chipping away until it was just easier to go along with it. He cheated on you, made no secret of it, blamed you for it. Persuaded you that despite all evidence to the contrary his word is his bond, he can be trusted. Persuaded you that despite his s****y treatment of you, the love he feels for you is the real deal. He turned you from a self-assured woman into a bit of a (detail removed by Moderator) who spent all your time and energy on getting him back.

      Please, whatever you do, do not blame yourself. Be thankful that you got away. Don’t spend any more time than necessary trying to analyse or justify his behaviour and character. They are so good at what they do. Cults have people like this running the show.

    • #115848
      Camel
      Participant

      I also want to say, you are not a fraud. You have experienced abuse that would, without doubt, have escalated rapidly.

      I don’t think you are free of him yet. Not when you believe what you feel for him is love. You probably won’t believe me when I tell you that he manipulated you from the outset.

      This fabulous man, so attentive, liking what you like, so quick to tell you about your ‘connection’, how you’re nothing like his ex(es), how great you are together. He didn’t give you time to think.

      Try to remember the first time you argued. Can you remember what it was about, who started it and whether it was resolved? How early into the relationship was it? Was the whole thing a messy series of rows (that he started) and reconciliations (that you worked at)? Were they genuine arguments? Or would you say now that he attacked and you defended? Did you find yourself avoiding subjects that would set him off? Was he allowed to criticise and question you and your behaviour, but you weren’t allowed to criticise him and his?

      Ask yourself why it is you’re concerned with what his family thinks of you. They are nothing to you, nor you to them. It’s another tactic of the emotional abuser, to convince you that it’s not just him that thinks you’re out of line. They lie, frequently. And they will say things to hurt you, deliberately.

      I’m sorry if this is all a bit full-on but I’ve been exactly where you are. Now I can say with certainty that I never loved my abuser. I never even liked him.

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