Feel confused

[Beautifulday]

Hi Everyone

I have been reading the posts on here for a while but never actually posted until now, for some reason I just couldn’t build up the courage and felt like a fraud? Like I shouldn’t be posting here? I read some of the posts from you lovely ladies which are horrific and I think situation isn’t as bad as some. Its the emotional abusive I’m here for although in the very behinning there were physical episodes. I will write again to describe my situation as I just want a second opinion, I have felt something not right for a long long time, even on my wedding Day I had doubts and don’t know really why I went through with it I think I had blinkers on. When we met I was much younger And I feel since growing older and maturing my views have changed and I start thinking somethings aren’t right. Lockdown for some reason has been sort of a light bulb moment? I can’t describe it has anyone else found this? I don’t know if its because I’m furloughed and had more time to walk everyday in nature and contemplate whereas before I was do busy with work. But I just have this gut feeling and like I dont want to be in this situation anymore. I will post again but I just want to say thank you to you ladies. X

[iliketea]

Welcome, you’re in a safe and supportive space so post whenever you feel ready. There will be someone here ready to jump in and help. It is all horrific. Honestly. I’m also here for emotional/psychological abuse. I’m going to bump some posts in case you haven’t seen them. They might help you locate how you’re feeling. There are some really good books out there to read too. Lundy Bancrofts “Why Does he Do that” is a good place to start, and also Healing from Hidden Abuse that was recently recommended to me, I’m not out yet but it has really helped me concrete my decision.
I’d say, go very easy on yourself, it isn’t pretty recognising this stuff, especially when that light bulb moment comes. I’m no expert just someone who is experiencing it but I’ll repeat some amazing and very simple advice I have had, “Its not you, its them”. It is honestly that simple, in amongst all the circular arguments, gaslighting, angry random outbursts, talking over you, blame games, turning things back onto you….it is ALL about them, you are just the target, just the supply to help them feel better, bigger, more powerful and basically in control. Because it is all about Power and Control. Oh, and as hard as it is to understand, they know what they are doing…just perhaps not exactly why.
I’ll get bumping. xx

[Camel]

Hi Beautifulday.

Welcome to the forum. Please know that your experiences and feelings are as valid as everyone else’s. There’s no league table of abuse. We’ve all grown up with phrases like ‘battered wife’. Emotional abuse is harder to identify. It’s a blessing that it’s recently been codified in legislation but that doesn’t mean it’s easier for any of us to acknowledge. Y

I would say one thing. You don’t have to be in an abusive relationship to justify walking away. It’s enough to be unhappy. People in non-abusive relationships call it a day. All the time. Non of us is obliged to ‘work at it’ if we’ve had enough.

[Beautifulday]

Thank you both for your replies Im very grateful, I would like to say I’ve recently read Lundy Bancrofts book & Healing from Hidden Abuse and can relate. What I am finding so confusing is when he will say something hurtful for eg called me lazy (I work full time, I clean the house) after hurtful comments hes then all nice ? It makes me doubt myself & feel like I’m going mad, one minute I’m feeling strong and think I’m not having this, then the next im thinking maybe hes not that bad , maybe its me, and I start thinking about the nice times. On the beginning of our relationship there were lots of red flags which i ignored, and physical times ,one the worst I remember were I asked him who a girl was that I had seen pop up in a chat on his laptop he threw (detail removed by Moderator) at me , I ducked and it hit the wall And many other things years ago but for the past years its been emotional abuse. Ill try to list some examples
Makes me feel like a child and sometimes talks down to me as though I’m a child eg: ill be cleaning and he’ll say do it like this not that way.
If we have argued ive been called a “(detail removed by Moderator)” or spoiled as I’m a good few years younger than him.
I’ve been called lazy, we bought our home a few years ago (another thing I now regret ) and it needed lots of work, still does but when I say let’s do the bathroom or let’s do this or that its always no and basically his way or the highway

Hes ruined holidays by being late for airport , ill be ready waiting and will politely say are you ready? And he’s in the past told me shut the F up , and the more I keep on the slower he’ll go.

I’m frequently told to shut the F up, or F you in heated discussions.

(detail removed by Moderator) there was an argue he kicked (detail removed by Moderator) upwards towards me (detail removed by Moderator), there was a full glass of water on it which went flying over my head and soaked me, he stormed off and I just sat in shock. The day later being all apologetic.

This is just a small example of things, my head is so confused at the minute I’m having trouble remembering things.

My situation is difficult as we are married and own our home, the home is in my name only yet we both pay half towards bills & mortgage. It couldn’t be put in both names as he had bad credit history. I don’t have children with him thankfully!! I’m just so confused about what to do. My Mother has said I can stay with her whenever I like i think she’s clocked on something is up. But I just feel so stuck.

[Camel]

I think confusion is a normal response when your head is being constantly fuc*ed with. My ex did the exact same thing when we were heading to the airport. Without fail I’d be the one who hefted the cases into the boot while he dithered looking for CDs to play on the way. He could see my anxiety and frustration but that made no difference. I didn’t know at the time that it was just another game he was playing. Abusers aren’t normal and don’t play by normal rules. Which is why our brains become fogged with confusion. I think your confusion will clear once you stop expecting your partner to act like a normal human being. ‘Sorry’ is a word devoid of meaning if it doesn’t come at the end of a discussion where you feel you’ve been heard.

[Camel]

Just a thought, why do you think the (detail removed by Moderator) incident isn’t physical abuse?

[Lottieblue]

Hi there –
Have you had a look at the thread “this is my abuser”?
It’s got quite long now but you just need to pick a few words from each woman’s description of her partner and you will be amazed at the patterns that are there.

Also, Google Cycle of Abuse.
It drives you mad, doesn’t it, how they can be all sweet one moment – sometimes for quite a long time – and then suddenly turn.

You’re in good hands here, so welcome. X

[Chestnut]

So many things here sound very familiar! I too was totally confused, I admit I still am at times when I look back and a bit of doubt clicks in, then I re read all the things that I had made a list of over the last few months to a year, and see again what has actually been happening. Right in front of me and under my nose and it worked! The Lundy Bancroft book I found amazing and really helped sort things in my head. I found my partner seemed to be nearly provoking me into a reaction or state of anxiety, even with little things, it was all a game for him. He knew the things I loved and ruined them and knew the things that made me anxious and exploited them. Not all the time though there was enough nice to keep me saying it’s not that bad, but eventually I lost my confidence, felt low, anxious, I thought I had an illness etc. What you describe are not little things at all and the holidays were always the worst times for me, I was a nervous wreck in anticipation of what would happen. We also did a house up and I found this a way to control me totally as a lot of decisions needed to be made, they were made by him, I was asked about them and then we did what he wanted. If I dared to suggest let’s decide together, silent treatment. If you have a good relationship with your mum would you let her know what’s happening? I imagine she already has a very strong suspicion. It can be scary but such a relief to tell someone if they are the right person. If they are supportive they will also remind you, you are not mad, you can choose to get out of this, it may not be easy, but shared houses etc can be sorted out. You get one life x

[Camel]

Hi Chestnut

I agree with everything you say! I can’t think of a single event we went to that wasn’t spoilt. He even managed to ruin the memory of a great night out – months later claiming that I’d behaved so badly he’d been on the verge of abandoning me there! No hint of it at the time.

He also provoked reactions when normally I’m easy going and don’t sweat the small stuff. He triggered a daily argument or three over god knows what, transforming me from level-headed to psychotic, a screeching banshee.

These men are truly fuc*ed up yet we’re the ones who end up fuc*ed over. It still makes me angry but I’ve got to that place where I no longer question my reality. I guess it takes time, maybe more than we think it should.

[Soulsearcher18]

Beautifulday, welcome. You’ve had some great advice here. Hoping after reading all of these that you are feeling less confused. You will know after reading these responses that yes, what you describe is abuse and yes you are one of us.

I agree about the (detail removed by Moderator) incident- that’s physical abuse.

It makes sense why it would become clearer during this time. There have been fewer distractions, you’ve had more time to reflect and breath on your walks.

So, here you are. You’ve realised what’s happening, you’ve done some research, you’ve been really brave and reached out on here. You’re connected with a community now and we’ll support you every step.

You may have already seen these but I’m going to put a couple of links from the WA website that might help you out below. The good news from your post is that you have a supportive mother and somewhere to go if you need to. If you haven’t done so already, some legal advice would be a good next step and alongside that, on-going support and advice from Women’s Aid.

I need help – information and support on domestic abuse

Domestic Abuse Directory

Do keep posting to let us know how you are doing and how you get on.

Soulsearcher

[Beautifulday]

Morning

I just want to say a big thank you to you lovely ladies for your replies, its made me feel much stronger! And I feel better in myself.
In reply to Camel about the (detail removed by Moderator) you asking me why I thought it wasn’t physical? I dont know this is how confused I am 🙁

I’ve noticed a big change in myself, whereas before I was happy go lucky, never got bothered by things I now find I get extremely worried over the smallest of things, my family have noticed this. I never had panic attacks before but (detail removed by Moderator) had a pretty bad one in work so bad I thought I was having a heart attack & ended up having ECG and tests. Since then I’ve had little ones and symptoms of anxiety, chest pains, bad tummy, over eating or under eating etc never had this at all before.
I used to take everything in my stride and had lots of confidence. I have very vivid Nigtmares and sometimes wake up in sweats , I dread the weekends wheras before I’d love them. So much more.
What I find confusing is he never tells me what I can and can’t wear and he doesn’t monitor my whereabouts its more just emotional abuse & now I realise physical when he gets annoyed.

After the (detail removed by Moderator) incident (detail removed by Moderator) hes been on best behaviour all nicey nice, can’t do enough and this is what really messes with my head. I know If I told my mother about this she would be so annoyed with him and would probably come straight over this is what I’m worried of its almost like im trauma bonded. I’ve read two books and currently reading another trying to gain knowledge , I’ve been waking everyday which I found has helped lots helped clear my mind slightly.. i was thinking of seeing a solicitor to see where I stand regarding the house but I just feel so guilty, I don’t know why

Thank you soulsearcher, I feel so grateful for all your replies .

[Headspinning]

I can so totally relate to this thread. My ex (yes – he’s now my ex!!) was like 2 different people. If you look at some short YouTube videos – search for “surviving n********m” I couldn’t believe how accurate some of the behaviours were.
I would say my abuse was all emotional too – but like you I minimised some incidents – like the time he shoved me hard enough to make me fall over, or the time he put his hand over my mouth to shut me up, or the time he kicked the outside bin and contents over the drive and left me to clear it up, or when he threw a container and dented the floor or slammed an electronic device shut so harshly it broke. All individually small and spread out and paled into insignificance amongst the huge verbal rants, shouting and swearing at the top of his voice so close to my Face ID feel spittle or jumping out of bed putting the light on and insisting I look at him and listen in the early hours. If you stop and write down the incidents – even if they seem minor – they add up and the fear of how they could escalate keeps you under control.

When I reflected on our last year together, I could see be had provoked and argument in every single special day for me – birthdays, Christmas Day, an overnight stay away, a night out with my friends, a charity event. Each one contained a huge drama over nothing – I often struggle to remember what the catalyst even was. But I remember how it made me feel.

Yet this was the same nan who would happily hold my hand watching a box set, hold my hand when we would go off on a day trip in the car, hug me in bed every night. Who’re going to sleep without constant expectations of mor. Was tactile, happy to tell me he loved me, funny, good fun in company, would buy me im the odd wee pressie, didn’t look at other women to make me feel insecure, didn’t try and put any blockers between me and my family (in fact he got in well with them)

This version of the man I liked! Who wouldn’t! So I minimised the bad behaviour. Of course – I was being brainwashed to make me believe it was all my fault anyway. If I drank less last night he wouldn’t have gotten wound up. If I’d told him sooner I was going out he wouldn’t have felt unimportant, if I’d tidied up properly he wouldn’t have felt taken for granted, if I’d made him a cup of tea when he was outside he wouldn’t have gotten so frustrated etc etc. So we spend our life on eggshells trying to avoid all the triggers so we. An keep the good guy. But eventually it’s like living in a flipping land mine!!!

And I’m not a “victim”. Oh no – I would try and fight fire with fire and I’d end up yelling right back. It was futile – it just escalated worse and I felt drained for days while he could just bounce right back! So I’d try not riding to the bait, don’t respond, don’t react – didn’t work! He would just get to lecture me uninterrupted endlessly – and would STILL start shouting when I eventually would point out that’s been 50 minutes you’ve talked about the dishes – are you done yet??!

He made me feel I was the one causing the arguements by my behaviour. He made me feel I was the abuser because of the times I totally lost the plot and shouted back. He made me a shadow of myself contin alert for a trigger. He made me feel I was going mad and it was the menopause. He minimised things after the event – every couple argues, let’s not bring up the past again, you were just as bad, I was tired what did you expect, you know I didn’t mean it, don’t be stupid you know I love you and would never want to end, everyone says things they don’t mean when they are angry – the list goes on and on.

It was like having a relationship with 2 different people. Why couldn’t he just control that aspect of him if he loved me?? Because – he chose not to. He devalued next over the years and his sense of entitlement grew and grew.

And the killer blow? I found out at the end he had a record for convictions against previous partners – more than one!! So it was t me – I put up and I minimised and I tried to adjust – only to find out the common denominator was HIM!

I totally relate to your confusion. I’ll never truly understand why my ex couldn’t / wouldn’t control his behaviour when he realised he had it all to lose (yes, even when we split and reconciled he would be straight back with the punishment argument as soon as he thought he had me hooked back in). What I do know is he will go on to repeat his pattern with someone else because he is not willing to change. But I will learn. I can now appreciate the peace and tranquility of a life when I am my own decision maker. I can do as I please. No one is going to shout at me. Yes I hope in time I will meet someone else. And this time I will know the red flags, because I have educated myself in them.

Don’t doubt yourself. Keep reading, write down all the examples. It may take a while to get out, or it may be a really minor moment that escalates – it was for me. If I was to tell anyone the exact argument that led to the end it was so trivial it’s ridiculous- but it was the final straw and before I knew it, the explosions and drama led to a full marital separation!! Because I let him escalate, and when he dramatically “left” and said he would only return if I accepted that it was my fault and I’d caused the argument – I called his bluff and didn’t let him return!!

[Beautifulday]

Headspinning thank you for your reply reading your post was an almost mirror image of my relationship !
He can be very loving will buy lovely gifts and flowers for birthday , anniversary etc never forgets special dates, and same as you doesn’t make me feel jealous by “eyeing up” other women etc. BUT its like jekyll and Hyde.

Something he often does after I’ve loaded the dishwasher is go after me take everything out and reload it as he says “I don’t load it properly” even though I know the way I do it is totally correct ive even googled it.

I’ve had cats all my life , he hasn’t until we got together we now have 2, he criticises me saying I don’t brush them enough, and that he even bought me a mitt glove to brush as I’m “lazy” and still I don’t use it. I was like what??! He said I can brush my own hair yet not the cats. I love my cats and look after them properly but he makes me feel I’m cruel or don’t? I know this sounds crazy!!!

He also tells me I use too much toilet paper and should only be using 2 pieces why am I using more? I have UTIs quite a lot so often need to use the toilet. When he told me this I admit I got annoyed and said what does it matter How much paper I use? He thdn turns it around telling me to “calm down” or “have I finished yet?” Does anyone else get this?

Another thing he often does in an argument (which is usually me trying to have a decent adult conversation which turns into an argument) he refers to me as “woman” ..eg:- “ok woman” or “have you finished woman?”
He had also said many times “you women are all the same”

When we met my family were very good to him, he doesn’t have a Dad and doesn’t speak to his mother his family all live in another country. My Mothrr treated him like her own son, helped us so much with our home, twice bailed him out of debts. The (detail removed by Moderator) in yet another argue created by him he put my mother and my family down which really hurt me. He’s also said after an argue “(detail removed by Moderator)” which really upset me too.

There are so many little subtle things all mixed together with being overly nice, calling to see if I need anything in the shop making me food etc so its completely messed me up. Everyone thinks he’s so nice, mr perfect, and I think people would find it hard to believe he’s done these things.

When we first met (detail removed by Moderator) ago he had a huge go at me because I had sent Christmas cards to everyone in work including males who I was good friends with. Accused me of being a s**t a s**g its strange because the jealous accusations stopped after a few years and now he doesn’t do that which i can’t understand.

Before I met him I wasn’t looking for love i was single and happy as I had just come out of another long term relationship, I was going out having fun finding myself we met by chance (detail removed by Moderator) and started dating the next week. Because I used to like going out every week I was young & single when we got together he would throw this in my face saying I was a “w***e a s***,t had s****d everyone etc. Even though he had much more life experience had haf lots of casual partners (i hadnt) had lived in various shared houses in various cities .. i never said anything to him and still to this day dont. Yet that (detail removed by Moderator) I was single got brought up in all argues making me feel I was a s***g 🙁

I’m not going to bore you with anymore examples they are coming back to me now! Thank you all so much for your support and guidance i really am so so grateful

[Chestnut]

Such a well written post head spinning. Especially the description about minimising and trying to avoid triggers then living on eggshells and trying to avoid a landmine! So true!!beautifulday also don’t doubt yourself just because he is not doing everything an abuser may do. Mine wasn’t overly jealous but it started to slip in just before I ended things, I didn’t think he was physical but looking back now there are things that happened that would be considered it but I didn’t even mention half of the things when I first posted on here! I thought I was really going mad but they all happened and all changed they way I acted and behaved. This was the idea of him doing them! It was actually the realisation of the impact of all the little things that made me realise what a cruel game it all was, I found it to easy to find excuses for the big incidents I think because they were just so insane that my brain came up with a reason as I needed one, the smaller incidents I found harder as they happened just all throughout the day. Big events like holidays, birthdays, weddings was a an event minefield!!! There was always something it made no difference what I did. A good quote today was “above all be the heroine of your life not the victim” and I love this. Trust your instinct he does not have to be doing everything he is doing the things that he likely thinks get to you the most! Some of the things that freak me out the most seem tiny but there was something about them a month or so before splitting he whacked me a few times with a tea towel on the back of my legs, playing and a small thing but I had had a lot of playing and jokes. He said I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before when he did it, it was in his voice and it gave me shivers. Someone else might not of picked up on it but I did and it scared me, I had been conditioned so even a small thing was having a big impact x

[Headspinning]

Oh the toilet rolls!!!! I got that too!! I was using too much, the kids were using too much, we were ruining the planet and we shouldn’t use any, Shouldn’t even need to buy it, we should all use the bidet!!! Seriously!!! His way or the high way. I didn’t concede on this one but I was becoming more conscious of how much I used if he was around!!
And the cat – snap! He bought a glove as well! I was told I was over feeding her so had to sneak her food when he wasn’t paying attention so it didn’t become a big talking point – yet other days it didn’t matter at all! I swear he once emptied her water supply then called me to say I had forgotten to leave her water and he’s had to fill it – gas lighting. He loved the cat – we got her together and wasn’t being cruel As such (she was a bit rotund to Be fair and she never went without), he wouldn’t hurt her, he just was being Mr right – he knew how much food she would get etc.
He also stopped the jealousy to the same extent after a few years – but that’s because I probably stopped going out so often or stopped drinking so much etc.
As for the guilt tripping about my previous life…I was in another relationship when we met and he NEVER let me forget it was him who helped me get out. Oh the times he told me he went against his core principles by being with someone who was in another relationship – for him that was the absolute reason why he did sometimes lose the rag. He just found it so hard to accept he had done that, went against his beliefs and he felt I should have been more understanding and appreciative of it. So / in other words it was my fault. Can you begin to imagine exactly how furious I felt after a decade of this guilt tripping when I then exited the relationship…..and it came out that HE had actually also been in a relationship when he met me!!!! A web of lies designed to guilt trip me into forgiving him every time, his trump card was a total fraud.

[Beautifulday]

I cant believe how similar our stories are! And its actually opened my eyes to realise that what I’m experiencing is not normal. I feel I do have trauma bonding 🙁 when we met looking back I was very naive and vulnerable. My parents were going through a nasty divorce, I had not long finished a long relationship which I had been in since school which was also emotionally abusive, i was only just finding my feet & living life when he came into my world.
Its almost as if I have been brainwashed and as a person who did very well at school, went to University and have good job I feel ashamed .
How did it ever get to this.

We have been married for (detail removed by Moderator) years why i ever went through with it ill never know! Even the day before and morning of I had a feeling in my stomach I was doing the wrong thing. Everyone thinks we are the perfect match, and everyone thinks he is a gentleman who spoils me. If only they could be a fly on the wall!

Before the lockdown he was going away for many weekends with his hobby i won’t say on here incase it gets recognised. I diddnt mind at first was glad he had a hobby & was getting involved with it but it got more and more to the point I was being left alone sometimes 3 weekends out of 4 in a month, in a home that needs a LOT of work doing to it. When I would say the home should be our priority to get it done nice he would reply i pressurise him and nag.
He said his hobby will always be a priority to him. (detail removed by Moderator)he went to (detail removed by Moderator) with this hobby both times were (detail removed by Moderator) long. (detail removed by Moderator) he went again in (detail removed by Moderator) and was going to (detail removed by Moderator) on (detail removed by Moderator) which he reckons he told me about (he didnt) but lockdown came.

There have been things that needed doing in the house which I try to save for yet he goes away on these trips which cost a bit. Even though we both pay an equal share of bills & mortgage thats it. I’ve paid for furniture myself, and spent (detail removed by Moderator) to have our (detail removed by Moderator) room replastered and done which he later critivised saying the plasterer was c**p made a mess etc. That the (detail removed by Moderator) was rubbish that the (detail removed by Moderator) was c**p. Even though I paid for it. When I say I paid for it he comes back with “(detail removed by Moderator)” I’ve began to think this is normal in a marriage?
If i go food shopping its usually out of my money aotherwise the frige goes empty, if he does go to the shop its rare & he buys things for himself.
I’m worn out trying to keep the house in order, its a rather large home with large garden and i just feel its all getting too much 🙁 i domt feel I am supported or made a priority on his list..if I had known it would be like this never would have signed for this house but he was all fake planning saying yeah we will do it up amazing and do this and that etc etc i was all excited and happy then we had the house & got married around the same time and everything changed.

[Headspinning]

Ah – the old getting married trick! We think it may help stabilise some of the issues that they have which we think may stem from insecurity. They think it’s a magic cure all that will transform us into the stepford wife they think we should be!!!
In reality, nothing changes. And when we continue to not live up to their ridiculous standards and be perfect (how dare we!) then they become more abusive. They get big for their boots, push the boundaries a bit further. Because we are exceptionally annoying to them now with all our imperfections- and we are even less of a person in our own right, we are now their wives. They can really settle into their abusive ways because what are we going to do – we are married. All married couples fight don’t they?
I didn’t even make it to my second wedding anniversary – that’s how much he upped the ante.
Oh and the self indulgent hobbies….yes many a weekend he would spend indulging in his interests. In fact, many a mid week day he would just take off and do what he wanted! The luxury of being self employed. He would make up the time of course (did he heck!!) But if I was to take a day off and go do whatever I wanted well that’s a different story!
Many of our weekends together were also spent indulging his interests. Any time we did what I wanted you knew there would be a sulk or grump at some point, it just became easier to keep him happy.
I work full time and I have a very well paid job I love. I worked out that his income is less than what someone would earn on minimum wage working a 30 hour week with 6 weeks unpaid leave – in other words, this middle aged self employed man was earning less than a teenager at Macdonalds! Oh but now it’s all over he’s claiming he made equal contributions and is entitled to all sorts of money in a divorce. He couldn’t even tell you how much any bill was. It was my house, he moved in, I Kept control of The finances and never added him to the mortgage or house ownership – maybe that was my inner voice warning me – and I’m so glad that he cannot touch my house.
These guys can smell vulnerability. It’s not a coincidence. I genuinely don’t think mine deliberately picked me out with the long term plan of becoming abusive. I think he thought he would “save” me and I would complete him, we would be perfect etc, but when I failed to live up to his expectations and life got in the way, slowly but surely it all started.

[Beautifulday]

I think your absolutely right! Its almost as if once your married he thinks your his? And the abuse gets worse trouble is your in deep by then like myself 🙁
I really wish the house was mine that he had moved into but its not, its in my name as his credit history was so bad we wouldn’t have got the mortgage as joint owners, but of course as we are married its 50/50 so its both our house eveb though I’m the named owner.
If it wasn’t for the house I would pack my things and walk out the door but I think why should I leave? And also if I walked out I would want zero contact. But I know this is not possible as he transfers me half for the house each month so would need to be in touch for that. All bills council tax etc are in my name. There is too much to just have no contact.

Then I think i could just buy him out? But then fe immense guilt. I’m scared of how I would say I’m not happy or want a divorce scared of how he would react, how I say it? When I say it? 🙁 GOD how did I become so under confident.

I just want to say I’m not happy I want out but I can’t bring myself to im a nervous wreck

[Headspinning]

Hi beautifulday – I’ve sent you a private message that may be helpful

[Anonymous]

This one spot is such a huge obstacle for us isn’t it? That one big rock in the road, or rather boulder and we keep coming up to it and then retreating, coming up to it and retreating… I had to lock this formula down in my head which helped immensely, it might help you guys…

First I had to clear it with myself that I’m not responsible for his feelings. He is. Especially the feelings he would have about me expressing mine when I am clearly hurt, unhappy, unwell all the way around and need to do something to change that.

Then I had to be okay to call it, to draw a line in the sand and ask myself – how much more information do you need here in order to take action? When there are buckets full of information that all point to one thing then it is that thing that we are looking at. Staring at it and heaping more onto the pile won’t change what it is.

I had to recognize my own codependency which means for whatever reason I always put someone else’s feelings, needs, wants and desires above my own so whatever all that is would be in control of my life so I had to be willing to change that regardless of how uncomfortable it is. I had to come first no matter what.

The big thing I had to realize is someone who really loves me isn’t going to be inconsistent like this with their behavior going from being Mr. Nice to Mr. Not So Nice in the blink of an eye should I stray from being exactly what he needed at any given time. Love is not about – not respecting you as a person and would never seek to destroy your personhood.

I had to also understand that anytime there is this much confusion, brain fog, fear, bad vibes, questions, feeling like you’re in a prison of some kind – then you know you are not dealing with someone who is empathy based at all. You are dealing with a counterfeit of all that. It’s not the real thing and you’re are feeling it with every fiber of your being. Your intuition and alarm bells are going off like crazy and that’s happening for a reason. Anytime that you notice you are not wanting to trust that and reaching to switch that off inside yourself Beware! Because this one thing tells you, if nothing else does that, you have been led into a trap where you are being fed upon by someone who is using your good energy for themselves and has taught you to not resist the ropes that bind you. To go back into your little cage and doubt yourself and just give up even trying to possibly think this isn’t right. In fact, they want you to think the only rights you have are the ones “they give you”. Blecchh! Oh I don’t think so!

Once I got these few things in place, it was a no-brainer. I’d look at the person, see them quite clearly, give permission to my own very good intuition and say, I’m done. I don’t need to discuss it with them. I don’t need their approval. They did what they did. I assessed it quite well. And no, I’m not going to feel sorry for them at all or care about their reaction because where’s all the care and understanding and guilt that they should have felt “while they were hurting me all this time”? Where is that? Exactly. Life is short and I’m going to be about it. I don’t need to chase my tail around in a circle anymore about it. I have to make a decision and that’s that. Then I have to follow through and not look back over my shoulder to try and make them feel better about it either. This is my life, not theirs and I’m taking it back by storm.

[Headspinning]

Very well said Braelynn!!!
If the abusers cared half as much about our feelings as we do about theirs we wouldn’t be in here in the first place!!!
Do we think they are away in forums seeking to understand and communicate with us? Nope! They are too busy living in the land of their own self importance. X

[Beautifulday]

Braelynn thank you so much!
You’ve put it in such a way that I never thought of before. Trouble with me Im such a caring empathetic person always have been and obviously now I know after reading books we are exactly the type of person they target because of our good natures. I always seem to worry about others first oh what if ge gets upset, where will he go? What if he makes it hell for me? What will others think? Will I be seen as a failure? Will people laugh that I’ve only been married (detail removed by Moderator) years? Will people believe me? I know its so so stupid but I’m constantly thinking of the what ifs looking too far ahead. 🙁 i was never like this before! My anxiety has been pretty bad during lockdown, it did subside before but has come back with a vengeance, palpitations, chest pain, blurred vision, headaches, dizziness, feeling low, ive also lost my appetite. The only way I can describe how I feel is like im sitting on a bus watching my life through a window? Like not actually living my life but floating through it ? In a haze. Today he is being all nice , talking all nice its always when he senses my attitude has changed like he thinks I may be planning to leave then all of a sudden bam he’s mr nice guy. This totally messes with my head. (detail removed by Moderator) he was eating dinner by the table and I tried to discuss something his answer was “(detail removed by Moderator)” then after later its always “(detail removed by Moderator)” so we end up going to bed then by the morning I just canr be bothered to bring it up again so I feel any sort of discussion or problem I want to discuss like a normal married couple I cant. I end up feeling like im a nag or keeling on? Has anyone else had this?

Oh and after talking to you lovely ladies so many things came back to me what hes done in the past. Another thing I remember years ago was us having an argument and he took my (detail removed by Moderator) which i loved held it above his head, i was crying and begging to give it back but he threw it hard to the floor it smashed and I was left crying trying to fix it on the floor.
Also we were in the car I was driving and heated discussion started , he wound me up so much I admit I was raising my voice back at him and all of a sudden out of the blue he yanked my handbrake up so hard the car stopped he got out and stormed off. Good job it was in a quiet residential area i couldn’t get the handbrake down, and a man who must have seen what happened came to the car asked if I was ok and got the handbrake down , my car was new then and I was proud as I had bought it myself with money from my first job after uni.
After this stupidly I drove back to his flat searching for him thinking it was my fault!!! I couldn’t find him think he went to a mates and I spent the evening trying to call him and text him. Lookinh back I think why did I not leave him then? I was still at home with my mother then, i just couldnt see the flags! 🙁

[Anonymous]

Men like this actually despise you if they can control you. If they can con you the first time that’s a given but every time you fall for there ploys again and again their contempt grows. Why? Because you are beneath them if they can manipulate you this way and keep doing it. They don’t respect anyone they can do this to and keep getting away with it. To them and their wee little ego it translates into “See how powerful I am and how weak you are?” It’s a bully thing and all bullies are cowards because they never pick on someone who could clean their clock or would take it off them at all. The weak ones – are them!

Pathetic, isn’t it? If you say yes, please make that in big letters in your brain! You just have to lock it down in your brain and pull your hand brake up hard yourself that – enough is enough here! Stopping the movie playing in your head because this isn’t funny anymore. It’s affecting your overall health here. You don’t need any more reasons why. You have a mountain of it already.

We are not taught about our human predators and we should be, from the cradle. Everything else on this planet has a predator and humans are not exempt. And no it’s not wolves and bears, it’s other humans who look just like us but are not like us at all. They don’t have empathy. I could go into a long explanation about that and how their brains are different and how you’d never change them because all that wiring isn’t like yours at all and there is no fixing it, but I won’t. Bottomline is he’s an abuser and he’s hurting you and you have to make it stop because he’s not going to.

He picked you, just like all people like this do – because you have all the good juice they love to feed on since they can’t make it themselves. All that loveliness that comes out of you all the time, the feelings you experience because you do have empathy and all those wonderful things that come with it that you can create – people like this can’t create that, can’t feel any of that. Many of them actually get pleasure from hurting others, so they steal your energy from you and it doesn’t matter to them how much they hurt you because they don’t feel any of that. You think they do, they must be like me, etc., but they aren’t…..like you in that regard. Just because we believed their whatever early on, then we assign things to them that aren’t real.

We loved them so they must be this and this and they went overboard lovebombing me so it must be true what they projected as to who they were. But it was a lie. A disguise and a con. It’s hard for us to accept because we bought into it and then once they got us all groomed and codependent with them then the parasite has infected the host and guess what? You’re one but not in a good way. He’s eating you from the inside out basically. Is in your head, affecting your body, etc. So of course you are going to think thoughts that actually help him out here because this is going on. And people wonder why I say, if you’re trying to get away from a man, don’t continue to sleep with him because call it whatever you want to – all I know is it affects a woman’s brain when she does. Immediately they are right back in their grasp again and round and round the washing machine goes. Some have even gotten really mad at me for me trying to talk them into leaving. And they would have been away from the man, too and I’m saying no contact, no contact and whoops, there she goes and sleeps with him and she’s back at below ground zero again.

At the very least here without fully knowing what happens on a physiological or even spiritual level something does happen and it is very parasitic in nature. All I know is – I just tell women to Run and don’t look back. You – are being fed upon. Fangs – need to come out of your neck like yesterday. It won’t get better. Only worse until there is nothing left of you. You don’t realize how this affecting your health and it’s affecting far into the future. He doesn’t care. It’s not in him to do so. You can disbelieve his original lies and the fact that you were had because it happens to all of us. None of us are beyond being conned by someone who targets us and is good at what they do. But we don’t have to stay ignorant, right? We don’t have to continue to beat ourselves up just because we got caught up in their web. Life is short so why would we spend any extra time looking at our navel like that. It is what it is and it’s right in front of your face. Forgive yourself………you are precious so Be precious to yourself for a change.

He picked you because you are a very lovely person and to be honest, I’m quite sure he was and still is very envious of you because you are who you are. People who don’t have empathy are always jealous and it’s a nasty little thing in them. It’s very very hateful and mean. They can mimic you, they can charm, they can put on disguises but they can’t “do what you do”. It’s not natural to them at all. That smile, that genuine laughter, that joy that you have – they can’t have and they can’t produce. Almost makes you feel sorry for them, right? Don’t go there………that’s a mistake. But I think on some level you do know this and you do feel sorry for him. Well, I just put a definition on it for you and you pitying him will never change him from being an alligator and into a bunny rabbit. It won’t be happening. It’s like pouring water onto parched cracked earth. And they will just laugh at you for doing it. Your empathy towards them – does not compute. All it says to them that you are food. The Diner is open! That’s all he sees.

No matter how hard we want our predators to change, they won’t. Not in their nature to do so. No matter how much we believed their lies, we get no reward for it, just more punishment. See, in the beginning when they test us to see if they can control us and we pass – they give us a little reward for it. Because they don’t want to smack us around since we aced the test and passed with flying colors so they are nice to us. That doesn’t continue. Then it turns into contempt instead of nice nice. We can’t keep putting paint on the pig because it takes so much energy and your life from you to do so. We don’t need to keep paying interest on this very bad loan. Just chuck it in the trash and say – not doing it anymore. Not giving you one more red cent of my energy. And maybe I’ll start conning you for a change and make you think all is well while I plot and plan my escape! How’s that?

[Anonymous]

The other thing is – we are in love with an “illusion”, not who they really are. And once we are parasitic with them and we are their host then they beckon us with everything they have in them to believe their lies because otherwise, they are going to lose their host and source of good energy. It behooves them to do so.

Yes, the illusion was great, always is but we can disbelieve it because for one, there is sooo much evidence to the contrary. It’s okay. We have to put on our big girl panties and pull them up, put on our boots too. Have to have boots to wade through all their B***S. Any salesman is good at what they do and most of them, I’d never ever be close to or give the time of day because I know what kind of personalities these jobs attract. But they are good. I will give them that. But just like running into one of these guys, all they care about is – their bottomline. Not yours. They could care less about yours. When done with you they will move on to the next one.

It was never, ever, ever about “just You being so stupid” or anything like that. It was always about – you never saw them coming and why would you? You’re not taught about them, right? None of us are. The animal kingdom imprints their young with – this is your predator – but we don’t. Kinda like stupid, isn’t it? But we are new to the planet so we are not all that yet.

So now we just say, okay then, I was fooled, out goes the fairy tale, magical thinking, illusion. What good is all that to me now except to drag me right under even further? So no. A great sign of good character is knowing when to just clear the board and start again. All the real geniuses in this world and inventors failed way more than they ever succeeded. But when they did succeed, they did so shine! It’s how we learn, we fail, alot. So what? We’ve been so brainwashed with the me, me, me stuff all the time that we assume we have to be right all the time like our predators. Uh noooo. Just because they know how to hunt and trap their prey doesn’t mean they are somehow over you or smarter than you at all. Just means they know a few skills but trust me, they have their own weaknesses and alot of them. They just use what works on us. It’s kinda boring really when you break it down and list it out. They all use the same things over and over again because it works on us. The people that I know who are like this – always always have many chinks in their armor. They are just arrogant, which plays to my advantage. People who are humble and know how to learn and accept their own mistakes are very very different people altogether. They bend like a willow. The arrogant ones snap in a strong wind like a big oak and are uprooted easily.

[Beautifulday]

Thank you so much Braelynn , you’ve been a great help and I made sure I’ve been reading your replies slowly and taking them all in, I read another book last night and have downloaded another I start to feel I’m gradually getting stronger. The weekend was absolutely awful and I couldn’t wait for it to be over! Hes back in work today I feel so awful saying that I can’t wait for him to be back in work but its the truth!! He got up around (detail removed by Moderator) ago and I thought while he was in the bathroom I’d go downstairs to feed the cat and get a drink the cat was crying for food . (detail removed by Moderator) Insinuating I was under his feet (detail removed by Moderator) After reading 3 books I’m starting to see this is not normal behaviour at all

[Anonymous]

No, it isn’t. Nag, nag, nag. People like that drive me mad. It’s like seriously, I’m a grown a** woman and you’ve got the time to run around and be in my business 24/7? It’s the control thing and making sure you don’t have a minute’s peace. He’s watching and all that. He really sounds like a wee little man. Real men don’t have time or the desire for this nonsense. Wouldn’t it be nice to have that noise totally absent from your life? And I’m oh sooo sure he’d like it if you did this to him, right?

[Camel]

I think what everyone has proved is that you can’t get clarity by analysing what they do or why they do it. Clarity comes from looking at what we do and why we do it.

[Beautifulday]

hi Camel
Its hard to look at myself and why I do things when I think ive just been brainwashed 🙁 I’ve spent the past week reading up, I’ve read 4 books, I’ve been keeping a journal which I’ve found gives me a better view of the relationship when I go back and read it. When i re read things ive written here I feel ashamed and think HOW on earth am I putting up with that!!! Writing things down and then re reading them is RAW its hard to read back but puts it all into perspective

[Camel]

Shame has no place in any of this. If anyone should feel ashamed it is the abuser.

I should have been clearer when I talked about analysing what we do and why we do it.

I meant things like why we delete messages from friends he doesn’t like, or make sure we only ever buy and cook what he likes, or feel guilty for using too much loo roll and maybe have some hidden away to restock without him knowing, or why we automatically say no to every invitation. Or why we feel sick if the waiter is ‘too friendly’, sick if we have to stay on at work or sick when the traffics bad and we’re going to be home ten minutes late. Why we carry our phones around so we don’t miss his calls or messages.

We do these things because we’re anxious to avoid triggering the nasty version of him.

But whatever we do the nasty version of him will always be there. And the list of things you do will get so long you forget what you like, forget you have a voice and opinions, forget you are a person in your own right.

[Author]

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