Feel guilty – bothering you all

[Rainydays]

I’ve been here before – which just makes me feel even more guilty bothering you all.  Just need a bit of support, I guess.  Some is much the same but since just before Christmas, he’s broken me – it’s like I’ve just lost the will – it’s constant now, I’ve ruined his life, any life we had was dull/boring and he wishes he’d never met me, (detail removed by moderator) so that he doesn’t have to work, it’s my fault he’s in a job he hates, I don’t care about him (I get up at 5am each morning to make him fresh coffee and lunch to take to work, do all the housework, clean, do his washing, ironing, do the garden, put the bins out, do all the shopping, ask nothing of him).  I put my life on hold for (time frame removed by moderator) holding down my own job so we had money coming in whilst caring for him/his personal hygiene etc etc after his major surgery – but he’s told me not to ever expect a ‘thank you’.  Seems I’m spineless, a loser, a waste of a life, miserable, frigid, don’t look after myself – (detail removed by moderator) He opens my post, I know he has put a tracker on my phone, creeps around the house and then suddenly appears in the room I am in.  He gets in from work before me, goes straight to bed, I get in, cook a meal, take it to him on a tray in the bedroom.  I go days, weeks and live in silence with him.  I can’t even cry anymore, have no fight when he starts verbally attacking me but then apparently that just shows how spineless I am.  Maybe he’s right, but I’ve lost the will.  People at work ask me if I’m okay because I’m quiet not my previously usual bouncy self and I just say ‘I’m fine’.  I know that bouncy self has gone, just a shell left now.  And I know I am afraid of him, scared of what comes next – best part of the day is when I eventually close my eyes and try to get a couple of hours sleep, but sleep doesn’t come to me easily anymore – just stare into the darkness, wondering what is the point ?  I used to be so scared of death but now, now it doesn’t hold any fear for me, it would just be an end to it all – and peace.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry to read this RainyDays. It sounds like he is treating you with contempt and that is really grinding you down. Is there anyone at all that you can say “I’m not doing too good” ? Just to say it aloud to someone else. I know it’s not easy.

Please try to take care of yourself and remember that you are important and that you don’t deserve to be treated like this.

[Rainydays]

Thank you Yesican.  Just feel so low and although I can write it here, don’t even know where to start to tell someone and I’m scared that he might find out that I have spoken to someone and then, he’d go beserk.  Feel so demoralised, as though I don’t exist, have no worth.

 

[Ontheroad]

I can relate. It’s so very hard isn’t it. I know what this feels like on those dark days. Reach out if you can to a local DV organisation. They can help. You aren’t alone in this situation. You may feel it but it’s part of a lie they try to make you believe. But you are strong. You made it here!! You are stronger than you know and you can survive this. Sending love to you.

[Rainydays]

Thank you ‘ontheroad’ – sometimes, usually in the night, I start to think, it is me?  is he right? am I this horrible, selfish, spineless person ? But then at other times, I remember me – I found some photos on my phone the other day – they were of me, probably (number removed by Moderator) years ago, I looked so healthy and happy with a huge smile -then I looked in the mirror – lost weight, skin is sallow, eyes have no life, just a sad excuse of a person.  (number removed by Moderator) years ago, so full of life – but he’s worn it all away ……………. now life is all about him, every text, every conversation telling me what a useless person I am.   Wanting me to cash in my pension so he doesn’t have to work – is that right ??? wanting me to chase my ex-husband for money ??? All so he doesn’t have to go to work.  Blaming me because he’s in a job he doesn’t like – is that my fault ??? Every little thing is my fault – we live in a rented cottage, my tenancy – he says he hates living in it – so wants to move – it’s my fault we haven’t moved – but the truth is, the rent is reasonable, everywhere around us is too expensive and I have no issue with the cottage.   A (object removed by Moderator) broke, it was removed but not replaced yet – and that’s my fault because I am not threatening the landlord if he doesn’t hurry up with replacing the (object removed by Moderator).  Granted it needs sorting and I am in touch with the landlord.  But he (my ‘partner’) tells me I am not doing enough, that’s typical of me, useless, being walked over, I should demand it’s sorted.  Won’t listen when I say I am talking to the landlord who is sorting out a new (object removed by Moderator).  All the other (object removed by Moderator) are working but it’s just another thing for him to yell at me about – am I useless ??  Is he right ??  It’s a (object removed by Moderator) for heaven’s sake – I’m in pieces, walking on eggshells, scared of my own shadow, and he’s latched onto this (object removed by Moderator) being another example of how useless I am.  Is he right ??  Am I a useless excuse for a person ??

[Anonymous]

Hi Rainydays, I’ve just read your posts. It’s about six weeks since you wrote them. How are you today?

Could you use the live chat on this site to share some of your concerns and feelings and make a start to make some small changes? Talking with an advisor could build your confidence to speak to others in your life

From what you describe you sound as though you have energy, are good at planning things and carrying them out, maintain your rented cottage and maintain a job. Wow. You are no loser. The words he uses to humiliate you are lies.

I hope you do not cash in your pension. Could you use your pension/savings/ money to start a new life without the liar? Save for a deposit and start looking privately at rented accommodation for one? Could you with help and advice from Women’s Aid site make a plan to leave at some point when you are ready and able? ie not asking for permission to leave from the liar just making your own private plan in your own time  and when you come to know when it is right to go you leave …

[Sad and alone]

Hey, just wanted to jump on and say @Rainydays what you have posted resonates with me so much. All of it. All the nasty s**t that gets said, that makes you doubt yourself and your self worth, whether you’re the one that’s at fault – you’re not by the way – and most of all the fact that going to sleep it the best part of the day. The time where you’re guaranteed some peace from the criticism and bad atmosphere, and if you’re lucky you can dream of happier times.
I hope you are okay. I hope you can find the strength to move a little bit forwards in your situation. How about making an appointment with your GP and telling them about your situation? Not only is something on record, but they can help refer you to other agencies that can help.
The most infuriating thing is that we remain in these relationships despite being inherently unhappy. But you’re not alone. We are all here in the same s****y boat.
Take care and keep posting. I wish I’d seen your post before xx

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