Feel like a fraud

[backtome]

Even though it’s been confirmed by WA that what I and my daughter experienced was/is abuse I still feel like a fraud, or like I’m overreacting. My mum’s always said I’m a drama queen and the social worker didn’t even see a reason to be involved. Also when I told school they weren’t exactly supportive. I contacted the health visitor and 3 times she was supposed to see me at home for a home visit and she cancelled every time because something more urgent came up. Same happened with the social worker, she text me an hour before she was due to see me to say an urgent case had come in. She’s closed the case now and left it to me to organise contact between him and our daughter. I’m so confused and mixed up. Am I just being dramatic thinking the way he treated us was abuse? Is it just that my behaviour is very submissive? I remember once I instigated sex on Christmas Eve purely to help ensure that we had a nice calm day on Christmas Day. It was ME who instigated it, nothing was forced or anything, the opposite of most other stories I read on here.

I’m also suffering with depression (have done for years even before I met him) and recently had some time off work. I feel like no one, especially my mum, believes that my depression is real. I feel like again my mum just thinks I’m being dramatic. I tried to tell her this morning that I’m struggling again, doing careless things like leaving the handbrake off, unable to concentrate at work, waking in the night every night etc but she just said I need to try to concentrate as I don’t want to lose my job as that would make me feel worse. But I literally don’t care, I don’t care if I lose my job, and I AM trying to concentrate. I feel like unless I’m self harming, or an alcoholic or threatening suicide that no one will take me seriously and everyone just thinks I’m overreacting to everything (even tho I don’t actually have anything to overreact to as things have settled down a lot now).

I just feel so empty and sad and my brain won’t get to a point where I can focus on anything.

Sorry for the long ranting post, I don’t even know why I’m writing it. Am I really an abuse victim? Am I really suffering from depression? Am I just a drama queen?

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Backtome,

You are an abuse victim, it sounds like you are suffering from depression (from a fellow depression sufferer) and you are definitely not a drama queen. It also sounds like unfortunately you have not been getting the right support from people around you.

The state of mental health care in this country is so poorly funded that it’s very common to feel like we need to be psychotic to get any help, I have felt the same as you many times. Do you have a good supportive GP? If not try a different one and ask for help. I have been referred to different therapies and all helped make my depression manageable 90% of the time, and the other 10% I ring Samaritans.

I would reduce talking to your mum about your situation if she is calling you things like a drama queen, that is not kind nor supportive and will just make you feel worse, foolish, invalidated which is the opposite of what you need.

And in terms of instigating sex, you were doing what all victims do and that is to try to appease and predict the abuser, it’s a safety technique for us and often becomes subconscious, automatic because we worry what will happen if we don’t do things ‘to please them.’

Give the helpline a call, contact your gp and get some help again, I have suffered depression for many years and it is not something we can manage alone as it lies to us, tells us we are useless etc which then just fuels the negative thoughts. Also try writing everything down, take yourself out for a stroll in the park, have a bath, do nice things for yourself. I’m actually feeling the same way as you this week and have to remind myself to look after myself, when I get like this I think of myself like a child who needs self care so for example I think 1. Make breakfast 2. Have shower and just break everything down into manageable chunks as I get overwhelmed thinking of everything otherwise.

[KIP.]

Hey, I did the same. I instigated sex to avoid his angry outbursts. All that shows is the coercive control spell we were under. I think a lot of people who work in that sector are desensitised. They see it all day in and day out and it’s become normal for us too. You don’t need anyone’s validation to know what you experienced was abuse. Hang in there. Tomorrow will be a better day. It might also be that these agencies see you as a strong capable woman. That’s a compliment in a roundabout way x

[Anonymous]

I instigated sex constantly.. Because in the beginning it was amazing.. in the end? I was trying to keep him happy so he didn’t stray. Trying to do more and more extreme things to keep him interested and fulfilled. Also because it was the only time I felt truly close to him. Wanted. I loved pleasing him it’s what I lived for.

[Freedomfighter]

Hi backtome,
Don’t worry about instigating the sex, I just spoke to a legal advisor lately saying I thought I’d messed everything up because I was doing everything the wrong way round. I knew I had a bad marriage, people had mentioned abuse a few times over the years, at first I was quite offended (I’d totally forgotten or buried the early abuse, blamed it on myself and the demon drink), buried my head in the sand about his affairs because he swore he wasn’t and I loved him! I also bought magazines to try and teach myself how to please him, thinking he’d stop looking for sex elsewhere. I have been with mine for decades now. Refused to have sex for at least 20 years now. I have recently realised I’ve been allowing myself to be abused one way or another since the day we met. Realising it was one thing, acceptance was something else entirely. I started to panic when I kept reading don’t tell them, just go quietly and as soon as possible. I’d told him if he didn’t stop lying, hiding money, manipulating and controlling me I’d leave. His first demands are always to stop pushing him away and resume a physical relationship again. So I did, then 3 weeks later I went to counselling and she told me it was an abusive relationship. I still didn’t believe it so went on line, did the test, I think it said if you answered yes to 3 it was probably abuse , there was only one or two I didn’t answer yes to! I was so stressed out and in panic, I made mistakes in work and had a final warning. I fell apart completely. I’m off work with stress now, he’s off too. He keeps wanting to sit with me and cuddle, occasionally kissing too. It totally messes with my brain sometimes, but I just go with the flow. If he wants to be close then I let him. I told the legal advisor all this and she said not to worry about it. It’s perfectly normal. It’s not at all normal for me, but is actually helpful when it’s just snuggling up
The kissing was a bit weird and made me feel guilty about planning behind his back. Everyone tells me, he does it to you and it’s survival, just hurry up and get out. The truth is I don’t want to hurry and rush into leaving. We’ve been through this ‘ritual’ many times before and I still refuse to have sex so I keep telling myself it’s okay. He hasn’t been physically violent for years, I started fighting back so he switched to psychological abuse instead
I don’t think I’m in any danger as long as he doesn’t know I’m still planning to leave. My nerves are in bits trying to deal with all this. I’ve been silent for so long, talking to people about all this stresses me out so I just do it a bit at a time. I’m unorthodox I know, but it’s working for me. I think that the point, as long as we’re not in danger and we get out safely, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. We’re not robots, we all think and feel differently. We can’t just switch our emotions on and off at will, unfortunately! My mum knows a little bit, but not the rest of the family. I won’t tell them, it’s complicated but I feel it’s best in my case. Try not to let him ruin your relationship with your mum if possible. I guess you want her to understand and support you, but I rarely agree with my mum or sister, we’re very different people with very strong and different views. Couldn’t you try just building your relationship with out discussing your abuse? You know what you went through, you know how hard it was and how much you suffered. Try talking to the helpline and a counsellor if you can. They’re helping me immensely. Good luck

[Freedomfighter]

Oh by the way I forgot to mention you are not a fraud. I was trying to say in my rambling way that we all do that, initiate sex and closeness partly because we need a shoulder to lean on, partly because we love the false good guy image they build to draw us in. It’s not our fault they lie. We all like to think of them as having 2 sides. The truth is they don’t. They are cruel, uncaring users who take our love and kindness, but rarely even bother to put the mask back on and give a little back after they’ve broken us. Only when it suits them or they think we’ll leave. Speak to the ladies on the helpline they’re brilliant at supporting and making you look at things differently

[Author]

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