Feel like a ticking time bomb

[brokenmind]

Apologies if this is in the wrong section. I’m doing this while I can before the doubt sets in.

But I’m hoping someone could, even if just a little? Guide me to a little bit of light.

I’ll start with what has been happening for the last (detail removed by Moderator) years and then there maybe more, I don’t know. It may be long and in no particular order. But, I need to just get this out before as it’s overwhelming me. Apologies if there are typos? I struggle to communicate so words may get back to front etc.

For the last (detail removed by Moderator) years I have been dealing with the following from my husband:

Recorded conversations secretly.

Taking a photo of how things are placed before searching and then referring back to photos to put everything back as it was.

Turning up out of the blue at places I’m pretty sure I never said I’d be. Dragging me back home with him.

Report me as missing. Call everyone that I used to know to let them know. Even family members that he saw to it that I never spoke to for years. Despite knowing where I was at those times. Having to speak to the officers etc was greatly humiliating as he would be adamant that I never told him in regards to where I was. Despite call logs etc.

Turning up at work, getting quite worked up outside for all to see and demanding that I walk out at the end of shift time etc. Sometimes you had to stay on to do (detail removed by Moderator) etc. Anything to humiliate me on order to have no choice but to leave.

Constantly calling and then getting accusing when one can’t pick up (working)

Accusing me of cheating if there is a male/colleague in my presence. A gentleman serving me at a till for example.

No eye contact with anyone of the opposite sex.

Finding faults in every friend, family member, work colleague, whomever says hello and stating they’re not good people to be around.

Isolating from all.

Financial control.

Career control

Work hours control

Making me doubt myself in all I say and do.

Having to ask/beg for toiletries knowing they’re needed always.

Opening my mail and then hiding/binning it.

Preventing me leaving by dragging me back all the time (physical contact)

Complaining I no longer do all the things that I used to because he put a stop to that.

Feeling threatened when I do well at work, make new work colleague friends in work.

Celebrates the bad times but never the joyous times.

Will say I’m overreacting, being stupid, being crazy when I start to notice, pull him up on his behaviour.

Says he wont live if I leave him.

Likes to make me jump or startle me when entering a room I am in. He will forcefully slam down the door handle, open the door which will make me jump. Come in and pretend to be looking for something or say that he forgot what he came in for. Then ask why I’m so jumpy when he frightened the life out of me with his aggressive entry into the room.

Will sometimes encourage me to go back to work etc and then destroy it if I start to become a little happy, confident again.

Has tantrums and reports to his parents daily.

Leads others to believe that I am something/someone that I am not. Despite never seeing them or me before. Knowing that I am powerless to pull them/him up to correct as I no longer talk to people other than my husband and his parents only.

Making me doubt myself, my sanity daily.

Believing every word that comes out of my mouth makes no sense.

Only leaving the house with him and even then it’s exhausting as he likes to put on a show of being an amazing husband in front of people. Then when the times up goes back to his usual behaviour and destroys that little bit of happiness/hope that I may of had.

Tells me that no one will want me now. I am beyond repair.

When I was doing sleep hypnosis/sleep meditation. He would press his mouth to my ears. I pretended to be asleep and caught him trying to push in words repeatedly. He believed that he was programming my mind by saying words that I will not repeat as they are nauseating and make me feel uncomfortable. I was always too scared to say anything and continued to pretend (froze). It came across as aggressive.

Has to attend my hospital appointments, where he will do the talking and lead them to believe that I am unable to do so. He’s scared that I will slip up or my voice will wobble.

Seems to enjoy that he has made me ill as it enables him even more control.

Has full control over what and when I can eat. My consultant has placed me on a set diet as I’ve now developed food allergies. He will do a full shop but one that caters for him and him only. I will then be unable to eat for a few days, making me even more ill than I am now. He prefers that I beg. I have gone from a uk size (detail removed by Moderator) to a size (detail removed by Moderator) within 6 months. My (detail removed by Moderator) year olds clothes fit me.
All I can do is drink coffee, endure the painful spasms until I pass out. Eating the wrong foods will end up with trips to the hospital. The weaker I am, the easier to control I guess? Consultant now suspects an eating disorder also. But I can only eat when food is available. It’s not intentional and I can’t scream that out when he’s also in the room, smirking throughout and enjoying it all.

Is now back to the encouraging stage, but knows that I’m too emotionally and mentally broken to move a step forward.

Smirks knowing this whilst having all emotional and financial control.

Will only transfer money if I was to do something that benefits him or if he has an audience.

He will always see to it that there is an audience. That way then, if I do find the strength to pull him up on his behaviour. It will enable them to confirm that I am indeed what he told them that I am. He now likes to play the victim. So if there was to come the day where I finally do find the strength. In his words, they will ALWAYS believe him.
Especially now that I am suffering from mental health issues due (detail removed by Moderator) years of his abuse.

I want to leave, but haven’t the confidence.
I also haven’t the money or finances. I can’t even do a secret side hustle as it’s called to try and save. I don’t have anyone as he has seen to that. So I’m just stuck, isolated mostly to one room in the house. But slowly, all of this is driving me to the dead end.

He’s also had me insured these last (detail removed by Moderator) years which I had only recently found out by accident.

Now I have problems with my mental health. He tells me daily that this is all in my head.

The amount of hurt that I am holding deep within is killing me. It’s now shown up physically as I’m to and fro hospital with issues that I can’t disclose. But they’re always triggered by him.

Things got so bad the other day that I actually grabbed my jacket and went out on my own for the first time in over (detail removed by Moderator) years.

I have no idea how I got to the destination that I was at but it involved me standing (detail removed by Moderator)

(detail removed by Moderator)

The thought of speaking out, scares me greatly as as my husband said. Who are they going to believe? Him or the one who is now depressed or as he likes to call it, mentally unstable. He could have me sanctioned at the click of his fingers should he choose to do so.

It also been over (detail removed by Moderator) since he spoke to me after I tried to stand up for myself. He does this quite often. Silent treatment. Another punishment. Because isolating me is not enough.

I remember sometime ago (after finishing a shift) that a work colleague stated that he was showing n**********c signs and to get out. He overheard and I had to leave that job the following day. He also cut my phone and any other method of outside contact too. I’m pretty sure he’s also tracking my phone and all internet history but I don’t know how to work that out. My brain currently, kind of switches on and kind of switches off. When it switches off, again as mentioned before, it’s as though my body is here but the mind is not. I don’t recall how I get through some days because it’s as though I’ve shut myself off as best that I could in order to just survive these days and nights. But I’ll admit, I’m beginning to struggle lately.

How do I leave when there is no one to turn to for help? Nowhere to go? No money? This is the most I have expressed in such a long time as I am unable to talk to anyone. So it may come across as crazy pouring all of the above out. I struggle to communicate so there’s that too.

Communicating is hard, so please bare with me.

I tried to leave before after some guidance many years ago however, I was hit with a sanction because my then job interview clashed with a signing on date. Despite knowing this, I was left with no funds for almost (detail removed by Moderator) months. I then ended up with no other choice to go back as it was the only way to keep a roof over my then children’s heads and food in their tummies. I haven’t been able to leave again.

I tried so hard but felt like I was failed too especially as I was starting to heal, find my confidence again.

[Bananaboat]

My gosh your situation sounds very dangerous and not eating for days and losing that much weight in 6 months is very concerning. Can you call your local domestic abuse centre at your local police, can you speak with your GP without him there? Can you contact womansaid either by phone or online chat? None of the things you have listed are ok and you deserve help to get out and soon

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Brokenmind, welcome to the forum, I am so sorry that your husband is putting you through so much and the affects are making you ill. Can you see a female GP to talk to her about what you are going through (that way it is also logged on your notes about the Domestic Abuse).

Emotional abuse can leave you feeling crazy, your husband knows exactly what he is doing.

I have been married to my abusive husband for the same amount of years as you, it took me 3 attempts to separate (the last 4 years were the worst as I was starting to see the abuse after a close friend pointed some things out).

You need support, womans aid live chat on here? Also, I emailed my local CAB explaining my situation with the DA, financial control etc .. they were helpful as well. Womans Aid/refuge can also support you when you are ready. It is a big step when you feel beaten down but once you make the first step (posting on here helped me lots when I was where you are at the moment, and oh my gosh I do feel for you, I have also lost too much weight but am now starting to eat a little better as we have been separated for some months now… it really does get better but where you are right now might not feel like it will, take baby steps and be kind to yourself).

My husband threatened suicide (I phoned the police the 2nd time he threatened to kl himself, I asked them to check on his wellbeing, he stopped after that. These men will say absolutely anything to stay, not because they love, it is all about control.

Keep posting ❤️ you are so brave for reaching out on here xx

[brokenmind]

Thank you ever so much for taking the time to read and reply both. It is greatly appreciated.
I’ll try and reply the best that I can however, I tend to struggle with communication. I’m surprised at myself for even posting as that’s the most I’ve done in a very long time.

Access to a G.P is difficult at the moment. Picking up the phone and talking sends me into a panic as I’m scared that I may end up breaking down and embarrassing myself. I have tried before but I had one of ‘those’ receptionists who deterred me from trying again. I only have access to a consultant when there’s an appointment at the hospital and even then, I am unable to talk alone as he is there always. But I just realised (you got me thinking) that on my last appointment, the nurse took me to a separate room to be weighed in. Perhaps I could use that opportunity at my next appointment (not sure when just yet) to try and leave a note behind with her instead. To read when we have both left maybe? I just know that if I spoke, the tears will flow and I won’t be able to contain my emotions. It’d draw his attention too.

Again, wanting to contact women’s aid but the panic sets in and I bottle out.

It’s just the whole talking bit, it makes me feel a tad ill. That and the fact that I always feel guilty if I were to talk to anyone else other than my husband and his parents. It does sound quite daft. But it’s a struggle. My face would give it away too.

Wanting to leave but at the same time unable to if that makes any sense?

I had access to a local CAB when I used to do the school run (before (detail removed by moderator)) but now my children are (detail removed by moderator) I don’t have that option anymore as I am unable to. (Just realised you said that you emailed them. I could give that a try, thank you for that)

What you said (hereforhelp) in regards to the last few years after a friend pointed it all out. That right there!
After an old work colleague mentioned to me, plus the discovery of a social media platform video on signs of emotional abuse… My brain had started to see a pattern. Now that I am slowly becoming aware of it’s, I can’t put it into words other than it’s overwhelming. But I am slowly more aware.

I am so sorry that you went through that also, it hurts to think of another or anyone going through the same/similar etc situation. But know that your words were so comforting to read. I was worried to read the replies but I’m ever so glad that I did, thank you again.

In regards to you calling the police for the wellbeing check, I have mentally taken a note of that and I truly appreciate you sharing that method. I will most definitely try that should those threats happen again.

Since posting, my husband hasn’t spoken a word to me other than saying hello when he returns home but that’s only when there is an audience (our (detail removed by moderator)). I overheard him answering our (detail removed by moderator) question about why he hasn’t spoken to me. It’s been over a week. He responded with, “(detail removed by moderator)”. But the thing is, I’m not sure if anyone will understand, it’s the behind the tone and facial expression that says it’s a more worrying one if that makes any sense?

He leaves for work without any words and returns without words (silent treatment punishment). But only greets if (detail removed by moderator) are present.

I did manage to pack a case whilst he was at work and I’ve hidden it. So, I think that’s a start.

Hope I made sense, I truly do.

But, thank you so much for your reply/s. Those words were truly needed as I felt like I was sinking a tad too deep.

Hope things are okay for you both too

[nbumblebee]

Am so sorry you arw going tbrough such horrible abuse sweetie I really am and I can really relate to so much of what you have said.
Packing a bag though is incredable Ive been here a year and havent gotten to that point yet that was very brave of you.
I agree with some of the others on here you have been so brave to reach out on here and talk about the abuse you suffer so very brave.
Next baby step is to try and maybe talk to your nurse could you maybe drop her a message telling her you need to speak to her alone but your hisband wont allow it she could then maybe insist he waits outside. My counsellor sends me text messagea from a physio which is what i tell my husband im going too so he thinks thats where im going, these people see this sadly alot and most are willing to help and listen you just gotta be brave enough to reach out.
Baby steps as and when you are ready.
Just keep yourself safe sweetie always stay safe xxxx

[Watersprite]

Hello I’m so sad to read of your situation. This is terrible abuse and it is understandably affecting your health. His treatment of you is against the law it is coercive and controlling behaviour. Please talk to someone tell the nurse when you are weighed tell them how it is for you at home. It doesn’t matter at all if you cry or breakdown but you do need support to get safe and only then can you start to get better. It may seem impossible but there is hope. When I was trapped I lost all sense of possibility until services stepped in but they gave me that and i am now safe and free. I’m so pleased you posted please update us when you can take care x

[Twisted Sister]

Hi brokenmind

you need to know how brilliant you are! You have been so amazingly brave to write all that, and so clearly. I can see you are so worried about how you come across, but you have done it so well, and made it really clear how horrific his treatment of you is.

Its worrying the sense of detachment that you described, which is also a symptom of such awful continuous abuse. I hope that you know, really know for yourself that this is awful abuse, and that you are so right. You are right and have described it perfectly for all to understand, and I feel like you are finally shouting it from the rooftops after years of silence.

Please keep talking to us, we are all here to support and do understand how devastating this is to body, mind and soul. Above all, be safe, as it does sound that he has you beaten down to a very low place.

Is there any way, much like you have managed to post tonight, that you could get messages to very trusted relatives? Making it clear how to act in a way that is safe for you, just so you can know that someone in your life is out there for you and can help you?

Its so much harder when you are also tracked online, does he have access to your device/s? Maybe you could speak to someone at work, like HR? and then refuse to leave work, or leave work to somewhere else and someone else get your children?

There is nothing wrong with your writing so please keep letting out all you can, so you are no longer silent. Sending you loads of strength and hopes that you can really feel your own strength, to know that you are right in what you say here, and that all you are suffering is an absolutely normal reaction to his very abnormal treatment of you.

Whether you are ready to leave or not, there is the WA here who can work through a safe plan for you.

You’ve made a massive step in posting this, and I hope you receive all the love and support you deserve.

warmest wishes

ts

[searchingforhope]

What you are going through is horrendous and not right and nobody deserves that treatment. You have taken huge steps in writing here and packing a bag. Even that you are thinking of ways to get help like the note to the nurse. Definitely do that too. Every little step will make a difference. It’s so exhausting though I know.
Keep posting and if you do get an opportunity ring the GP. Your mental and physical health needs that support too.

How I wish I could wave a magic wand to make things better for everyone suffering here. It’s so draining. Baby steps though. you’ll get there.

[Readytoheal]

Hi, I have just come out of a (detail removed by moderator) year marriage with exactly the same treatment, he only left coz our 4 adult children made him. They had started calling him out on his treatment of me and had been telling me what he was doing was abusive and not right. I thought I had shielded my kids from the worst but they actually remember more than me? I am still feeling a need for him and also feel terribly guilty and ashamed for everything. For the last 7/8 years I have tried to take my own life many times, he would even goad me into that by telling me that everyone would be better off without coz everyone hates me anyway. He would tell me to stop trying to make myself a victim and just do it. Believe me I never wanted to die, I just didn’t want to feel as I did anymore, I was dying inside for so long. He used to use the kids against me and make me be responsible for any discipline, the kids used to see him as the nice one till they were old enough to understand the real truth. In some ways it was a relief that they see him but in others I miss him. He had taught me in all those years that I needed him for everything especially money, he made me believe I was worthless and unlovable, I still feel that now. It is so hard, he’s still texting me everyday all day, I blocked his number and now he’s emailing me constantly, the kids have all blocked him too as they want nothing more to do with him, that makes me feel totally guilty too, like I’ve now deprived them of a father. It is so very hard, I get where your coming from completely. It’s hard trying to build a life when you no longer have friends or family to chat too. There is only so much of the truth you can tell your children. He also used intimacy as another weapon and most of the time I had said no, how can I share that with my children, adults or not?

[nbumblebee]

Im sorry to jump on this poat but I just wanted to say something. Im over (detail removed by moderator) married with 2 grown up kids one almost and I have always believed that Im stuck here that ive been here so long i know no different and im too scared to leave. My husband isnt nice similar story to all above and im at breaking point. Reading that you have left after (detail removed by moderator) years is incredable I read how hard you are finding it and how heart breaking it all is but I wanted to Thank you as I needed to hear this I really did.

@readytoheal I know you dont feel it right now sweetie but my goodness I think you are incredable Thank you for posting your story. Xx

[brokenmind]

Apologies for the long delay in regards to replying. I’ll be honest, I had to shut off for a while in order to get through the days. I know that sounds crazy but it’s my coping method right now. Detach, breeze through and have very little recollection of whatever happened. Kind of ‘My body is here but, my mind is not which I think I mentioned before?

Thank you so much for your replies, they are greatly appreciated but I’ll be honest I’m struggling to process them due to a broken brain, which is so frustrating. My brain will enable me to flow out these words which are rare for me but will not allow me to read correctly or take in information when needed.

However, if you jot down something negative my brain will instantly recognise it!

It makes no sense.

I thought I’d try and do this again and post an update on the current situation. If I could just let this out, It will just make me feel somewhat relieved as I have no one to talk to other than my husband. Please note that my brain goes off track… quite a lot. It’s something I’m having a hard time with as I can’t focus/concentrate properly after so many years of not thinking for myself etc etc. I also struggle to communicate with other ‘humans’ so please don’t think I’m being rude. I also struggle with responding to replies too. It’s the words but, somehow these words are flowing from my mind. Again, I can’t make sense of it right now but hope you understand what I mean?

Dark thoughts have passed

Silent treatments still happen. A little bit more now that I’ve spoken up.

The lightbulb is flickering, it’s not quite fully on but it’s getting there! (my mind)

I had a moment where I actually stood up for myself and I’ll be honest, it kind of scared me, I threw up shortly after but, it also felt quite like, I was a little in control of the words that came from my mouth. No hesitation, no doubt. Just my words, from my mind and not his. The throwing up part was mostly down to the shock, shock that I actually said what needed to be said after so many years, then the feeling of guilt shortly after.

The abuse still continues, but it now has a bit of a twist. My husband has now switched into victim mode.

I never know sometimes what version of him I am getting.

After watching some clips on youtube in regards to recognising emotional, financial abuse etc, my brain has started to slowly back switch on. Hence why I call it a flickering light bulb.

I have said that I plan to leave, this has triggered him now playing the victim.

For example, if I were to ask if  (detail removed by moderator). He will respond but make sure to have an audience (detail removed by moderator) and make it come across as though I have said something horrid. Anything that will put me into feeling guilty mode.

I will be made to feel guilty for asking for food, for feminine products, for wanting a bath or shower.

He will purposely say  (detail removed by moderator) and make it come across to our (detail removed by moderator) and whoever is present that I keep pestering him for money. When I leave the room, he mutters  (detail removed  by moderator) . So that way then I come across as a negative person etc. It hurts, it really does.

He has now said  (detail removed by moderator). He says this because he knows that I have nowhere to go, no one to see anymore as he saw to it that wherever I would go, there would be a scene where he makes it clear that I have to be dragged back etc. So I avoid those places because he greatly embarrassed me both verbally and then physically.

He still won’t let me work or find a way to generate my own income as he knows that once I do, I will no longer have to ask, or beg him for money. I will also leave. He also feels threatened by me working with others. He says (detail removed by moderator) despite whomever I would be working with at the time, never meeting him. He shows up, makes his presence known and how unhappy is for all to see. (detail removed by moderator). It goes on.  (Detail removed by moderator) missed calls and he’s on his way, parked outside and being very intimidating etcfor all to see.

(Detail removed by moderator), Everyone is flirting with me, everyone is laughing at me and everyone is a liar in his eyes.

I haven’t eaten in (detail removed by moderator) days, but he quite happily ordered food in for everyone but myself (detail removed by moderator).

I sit upstairs whilst everyone eats and when (detail removed by moderator) ask my husband why I’m not eating, he tells them (detail removed by moderator). I haven’t been weighed (detail removed by moderator).

The food options if available for me(detail removed by moderator). Everything else is purchased to cater for his stomach and his stomach only, (detail removed by moderator). He’ll make a scene in front of everyone and say something like (detail removed by moderator). But others aren’t aware that those are just words (detail removed by moderator).  On his return, (detail removed by moderator) despite it being available in every grocery store. So I’ll have nothing to eat for however long he pleases.

The weaker I am, the easier I am to control.

There was more to type but the brain has just broken down on me again so I have no idea if what I type is typed correctly, in the right order, back to front, front to back, overlapped. I haven’t a clue, I’m sorry. This is what happens. It’s embarrassing but I just wanted to type whatever it is that I typed while I can as I don’t know when I’ll have the opportunity again. So please, please bare with me.

[Watersprite]

You have never any need to apologise on here. You are surviving and trying to keep safe. Being a victim of this extreme abuse being hungry and malnourished all make it hard to think clearly. Despite all this you have growing awareness that lightbulb you are amazing. Yet there are serious concerns here for your safety physical health and well being. Call the police if it is safe to do so. At your next medical appointment ask to speak to them in private or use the toilet and call the department explaining they need to ask to see you alone. Show them your first post on here it explains it all. You need to take action safely – support is out there for you. Take so much care xx

[Lisa]

Hi Brokenmind,

I just wanted to see how you are? Watersprite has given really good advice, I hope you have managed to reach out for support.

Please keep posting to let us know how you are when you can, we are all here for you.

Lisa

[Author]

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