Feel like giving up. I need out :-(

[Needout]

Hi all. I’m new here. Iv been with my husband for (detail removed by moderator). He has always been jealous and controlling and like a fool I allowed it. After I had my baby it became so much worse. He would check my underwear and would accuse me of cheating if they were (detail removed by moderator). He would say that I’m too fat for thongs and that given my age which I was late (detail removed by moderator) I should be wearing appropriate underwear (whatever that means ) he constantly accuses me of cheating even tho he’s the only one who’s cheated on me. He accuses me of all sorts if I don’t let him know where I am 24/7. I’m no longer allowed out with friends and if I do I get home to all the s@@g s@@t prostitute. Iv been applying for private houses for over 4 months now and no one will accept me. I live in his house and even if he gave it to me and my children I couldn’t afford to live here on my minimum wage job. I’m literally lost and broken and feel so trapped. I contacted woman’s aid in (detail removed by moderator) but they never called me back. I feel like I’m suffering in silence but now I’m getting sick of pretending I’m ok. Because honestly I’m really not. Someone please advise me on where to start. I don’t want to be like this any longer. I’m physically and mentally drained 😩

[Pinkvelvet]

My love, you need a break. I can hear the pain in your writing. I’m so sorry this is happening, but don’t give up.

I’m really surprised that women’s aid never got back to you. Have you tried their chat feature to speak to someone in real-time? I did this when I first discovered womens aid and I was given links to my local DV organisations and charities. That could be a good place to start, as those organisations could be the stepping stones you need to help you form a plan and give you additional support as you leave.

Whilst I can’t offer advice personally on making a plan to up sticks and leave (I haven’t been through this aspect of it as I didn’t live with my partner), I want to reassure you that there is support out there and help and I’m sure some of the women on this forum will be able to contribute to suggestions on that.

Mentally, I understand how difficult this is. I was in emotional and mental torment by the end of my relationship and I couldn’t take anymore. I think we know when our bodies and minds have had enough don’t we? I was a mess but somehow through all that managed to break up with my ex. It was very difficult as we also worked together so that added a layer of complexity, but you just have to believe in yourself that you can do this. Your number one priority is keeping yourself and your child safe, so once you’ve made the decision to leave, plan to do it at a time that poses the least risk and in a way that gives you maximum safety.

You mention in your post about housing. Have you received reasoning as to why you’ve not been successful in receiving private housing? Again probably not something I am knowledgable enough on to advise on, but please don’t give up. Do you think maybe you’d be able to afford to rent somewhere, even if for the short term whilst you sort things out?

I’m sorry I’ve not been very helpful, but I hope it brings some comfort to know you’re not alone in what you’re going through and there is another side to this and you can do it. There are happier times ahead. Just hold on and keep going 💛 and maybe give womens aid another try on their online chat, and I hope some more advice comes through for you on here too. Sending encouragement and strength to you.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Needout

Your existence sounds terrible with him, none of what you’ve written is ok, and I know so much what you mean about trying to keep up any pretence that any of it is ok anymore. I think we come to a point of just can’t keep going like that anymore, all the excuses and forgiveness has run out.

If its only the housing that you are looking for help with, then having to leave domestic abuse puts you in a homeless situation which the local council could help advise on. Have you spoken to your GP about whats been happening? or HV if your children are still young enough? They need to be involved to support you in many ways. They may be able to point you towards financial advice also, as to how you would go about securing the maintenance that you would need from him to live independently, the financial burden of raising your children is not only on you, and he would not be suitable to have custody as an abuser.

First you need support, wherever you can find it, and to start reaching out for advice. Do you have family that would be sympathetic to your situation that you would trust 100% to share your situation with, or close friends of your own I mean, not his? You will need all the support you can around you to help you through this so you don’t feel alone, and coming here will mean that you will be amongst many who have experienced similar so you won’t be alone in facing this.

There is a national domestic violence helpline, which is run by refuge, and there is an online chat run by Womens Aid, both numbers /links, will be on the website here. Everything is very difficult to get through to, you have to be very determined to keep calling. Shelter is another who can help with your housing situation, and you can call them, all day I believe. The helpline is 24/7, and not sure about the chat facility.

I hopeyou can find a way through this quickly and you can all be safe and happy.

warmest wishes
ts

[Twisted Sister]

btw, I don’t think theres a choice in whether you get abused or not, its not within your control to ‘allow it’, as control is his. Please don’t take on responsibility for his terrible treatment of you. That’s definitely on him. x

[Needout]

Morning all. Thank you for your responses. I have close friends and family who are aware of what’s happening but they are unable to help which I totally understand. My husband is aware I am leaving as I (detail removed by moderator). Professional wise no one is aware. I am already taking depression and anxiety medication and have been trying to get a GP appointment to see if I can get some counselling. However, again trying to get an appointment is proving very difficult at present. I think the reason I’m so scared about how I leave is more that I don’t want him to get in trouble. He’s still the father to my children and he’s a good dad. My children love him and I don’t want to take that away from him or them. However 2 of them are old enough to some point to know kind of mommy and daddy will be living in different houses but still love them. I didn’t want it to just hit them like a ton of bricks. So mentally they will be part prepared for when I finally get out. I work full time but I have a minimum wage job. Private renting is so expensive but I have been applying anyway as I know the council are stretched and there are people who need it more. However, I’m literally running out of options and will power. I feel so physically and mentally drained and alone. I feel like I’m constantly hitting dead ends. I think my anxiety to speak to people via telephone doesn’t help because I can’t find the courage to verbally speak to anyone 😩 I’m my own worst enemy.
Thank you again for your kind reply’s

[Newgirl]

Please go to the council you are also in need lovely! Private renting is so expensive but at least council they can also get in touch with housing associations I haven’t actually got this far as yet so that’s just my understanding x you have done so well to let your husband know you are leaving again I’ve not been brave enough. Ticking the dv box on council form will up your priority I don’t believe it will get him in trouble! My other half wouldn’t believe it if I said he was emotional abusing me it would be my fault! I emailed womens aid and I got a huge email back that had lots of links to all sorts please try them again x you’ve been so brave to get as far as you have well done x x x x

[Twisted Sister]

Hi, you are not alone in anything that you’ve said there. One other thing that could be really helpful for you is the Freedom Programme, you can do this online, or in person, its only during term-times I believe and you can also join zoom meetings if thats easier for you. One of the very last things for mothers to often realise is the abuse that children suffer from living with an abusive father. His abuse is about control, and that doesn’t make him a good father. Sometimes all the while children are small they don’t push so much, but even from a very early age will know the power and control he wealds and it will become their normal.

If he’s abusing you, its who he is, no matter who he is with, and especially his children. In separating the abuse on the children can heighten because its his only way to really hurt you, by hurting them, and using them as pawns in his malice.

Think again about the role model of what they are seeing from him toward you, you are not allowed out, they should never come to think this is normal, but for them it is already. You are told what to wear, this also reinforces their understanding of their ‘place’ that a male ultimately holds all the power and that this kind of control is normal.

Maybe as you already have contact with your GP this may well be the best way forward for you, as they can do the necessary referrals and make contact with other agencies for you.

warmest wishes

ts

[Needout]

Thank you all again for responses. My head feels like I’m on a ride that won’t let me get off. I shall try to see my GP as soon as I can finally get an appointment. I will also speak to woman’s aid again. I wish I had the confidence to just pick up the phone and call people. It’s so annoying. It literally prevents me from contacting anyone further than a message of email 🤦🏼‍♀️
You have all been so kind. I do really appreciate everyone’s time and advice 😊

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