Feel like I’m drowning

[Kellym]

Hi
I’m not new here but I post very few and far between, I’m also really bad at replying as I just find it really hard to open up after the moment of emotion has passed I close up again and go into a defensive survival mode so it pains me to talk more!
The abuse I have endured is terrible, and I honestly don’t know how I’m still going. Of late things have been good and in a few months only one thing has happened which I know is one to many but nothing compared to what I’m used too!
Lately rather than the physical abuse it’s the verbal that is destroying me. Only a small disagreement ends in being called a dumb c**t or a silly b***h etc
(Detail removed by moderator)
It makes me feel worthless I have two young children, one which has adhd so my days are exhausting, I just wanted to chill and watch the only programme I like and relax. I’ve now been made to feel awful about oral sex. In truth I mainly don’t like it any more because it’s a trigger for me. I’ve been forced to do it after physically violent arguments (on his end I am never violent) so for me it’s not an enjoyable thing to do anymore it makes me anxious and feel out of control and belittled, even if he touches my hair it triggers me as I’ve had my hair pulled and thrown about so much.
Lately he has started to accuse me of being with someone else (I’m not) but it’s another step further into the abuse I now feel awkward when leaving the house for too long etc
I know I want out I know I do but I feel extremely bonded by trauma and just cannot find it in me to make that first move. Any way I’m so sorry to rant I just find it’s my only place to go and I’m sorry if you’ve replied to me before and had nothing back I just find it very hard.
Xx

[ISOPeace]

Kellym this sounds really awful for you. You’re still going because you’re stronger than you know. I know you don’t feel strong and that’s exactly what your abuser wants. But you can be strong without feeling strong. You must be strong because it takes incredible strength to survive abuse.

I have only experienced verbal abuse so I can’t compare it to physical abuse, but lots of people say that the emotional abuse is worse, so don’t underestimate the impact of it. My experience of emotional abuse is that it is crushing. I’ve sometimes likened it to the abuser taking chunks out of you, bit by bit over time, until all that’s left is a shell. You don’t know who you are any more because he’s taken so much. But all the time he convinces you that he’s the only one who can fill the holes left and denies that he’s the one making the holes.

Sadly what you describe shows the impossible position abusers put their victims in. The emotional abuse and violence towards you alone is appalling beyond words. Then he also makes it your fault that you don’t want to do things that his behaviour has made you hate…. abusers always blame us for everything, unless they’re trying to pretend they’ve changed.

Trauma bonds keep us frozen, which is exactly what our abusers want. It is so hard getting yourself in a position to feel able to leave when you’re using everything you have to just survive. But it is possible. Do your best to focus on your own wellbeing and trying to emotionally distance from him. I know it’s not easy, just take baby steps. Even if it feels like you’ll never be able to leave, it doesn’t mean you never will. You can only leave when you’re ready so don’t put too much pressure on yourself.

Also don’t worry about not replying. This forum is here for you to use in a way that is right for you. I don’t think anyone on here replies to your posts in the expectation of you replying. We reply to posts because we want to help if we can. We are not like your abuser, who only does anything nice at a price. There are lots of people who genuinely want to help, with no strings attached and this forum is probably the biggest group of those people that I know. Sending lots of love xxxx

[Lisa]

Hi there, thank you for posting again, it is understandable that you find this difficult. Please don’t ever feel that you have to reply to others if you can’t. There is never any pressure around this as ISOpeace has also mentioned.

I’m sorry to hear about how the domestic abuse you are experiencing is impacting on your wellbeing. You don’t deserve to be treated in this way. I can see that you are also concerned about your children.

If you haven’t done so already, you can get some ongoing support in place through your local domestic abuse service, they can help you to decide what you would like to happen. You can find their details here

Do remember that you can also chat to a support worker in confidence through our Live chat service, a support worker could also explore some options with you.

Thanks again for coming back to post

Best wishes

Lisa

[Hebe]

Dear Kellym, so sad to learn about your situation and the trauma you speak of, it is heart-wrenching. You are so strong to withstand this. Take small steps to where you want to be, make your plans in your head, no-one can interfere with those, they are called dreams. No matter how impossible the dream seems, it is always possible. No-one else can own our dreams, they are our own and to be realised when we are ready. We are all here for you when you need us. Take care of yourself, you are the one that matters. Hugs x

[Kellym]

Hey guys thank you so much for your replies

It’s been a terrible (detail removed by Moderator) he punched me so hard I have a huge bruise all because he said I ‘answered him back’
I left for (detail removed by Moderator) he went mad because I found the strength to tell him I didn’t want him anymore and I wanted to do better for my kids, he chased us out the house and then threatened to kill me numerous times before telling me he was going to set my family memebers houses on fire he even (detail removed by Moderator)

He then managed to get me back
And then (detail removed by Moderator) he was back to smashing things up lost it and literally lifted my feet off the floor by holding my cheeks and threw me (detail removed by Moderator)

(detail removed by Moderator) we have now had a difference of opinion and he has left and said it’s for good!
Now I am struggling wondering what I will do without him and his actually making me believe it’s my fault when I know it’s not he keeps trying to say this to me and that he’s going to go and talk to other people and it’s all my fault. From help on here I know this is all part of his control so am growing stronger to it but I feel so useless how will I live without him how will I look after my kids, where will I go how does life work on the other side of all this, because I desperately want a future with him after over a decade I don’t know life without him and it’s scaring me so much that I just want to apologise to him and beg him to come back. It’s sounds naive but I’m so scared of breaking my babies hearts even though I know this is breaking them too xx

[KIP.]

It’s the abuse talking in your head. Try to take a step back as look at your situation like it’s happening to a friend. I’d strongly urge you to talk to the domestic abuse unit in your local police station. This man is extremely dangerous to you, your kids and your family, threats to kill must be take seriously. Please reach out to your local women’s aid. They can help and support you. Abusers never change and abuse always gets worse. What he’s doing is child abuse. What you desperately want is the good times back that you had with him but they’re just an act he puts on to keep you trapped. He knows he’s gone too far and now he’s gaslighting you into thinking it was your fault and punishing you for his actions is mind blowing. It’s crazy making behaviour. Use this time to gather support and report him to the police and ask for their help x

[Watersprite]

Hey Kellym welcome back – I remember you. We are all here for you – you never have to apologise on here. It is wonderful that you are stronger and some things are becoming clearer for you and other things aren’t and that’s ok – it’s a process. Leaving an abuser and standing up to an abuser like yours is the most dangerous time. Your situation is very serious he is too dangerous to stand up to by yourself. Support is available to help you get you and your family to safety. Don’t leave it too late – call the police when it is safe to and call 999 if needed. Keep your phone charged. Women’s aid can help refuge can house you and your children. Sadly he won’t change but you and your children can and do deserve a free and safe future. Keep posting – you are a brave woman to survive this – you can be free with support xx

[Author]

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