Feel like I’m drowning

[Mumaoftwo]

I don’t know of leaving is right. I don’t know if staying is right. I feel like I’m failing as a mum right now.ive posted on here before to be told he is controlling as I am a stay at home mum. And I don’t get a lot of money as he earns the money but he has decided that he is buying a house which would mean my eldest small human would have to change school. We did this when we moved where we were because it’s where he wanted to live. Husband came I to day and said I’m buying the house are you coming because if you leave and go to the council she will probably have to move school anyway. He was laughing I said do I have a day and his response was no as you don’t bring anything to the household I earn the money I choose. I do t k ow what I wanted from writing this I think I just needed to rant 😩 i

[Mumaoftwo]

Also I’ve tried to have a conversation and say we should both have a say in this and there should be a compromise. His only answer is I have made the biggest compromise by having our smallest human. Like I’m so glad she is small and doesn’t know what he is saying.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi, how are you after your wee rant? It’s better out than in that’s for sure. How is having a baby a compromise, that’s an utterly ridiculous thing to say. He’s financially abusing you and possibly trying to isolate you even more. Is he planning on buying this house further from your family and friends by any chance? This is no longer the 1950s where the wee wife dutifully follows her husband wherever he goes, as a couple you should both be talking about where you live, just because he’s going to buy this house doesn’t mean he controls everything. You do have an input into the house, it may not be financial but it’s definately an input. You shop, you clean, you look after the children, he’s utterly delusional if he thinks he can make decisions on your behalf, as if you’re a child and decisions can only made by the grownups. Have you read living with the dominater by Pat Craven, he sounds very like the king of the castle.
Have you spoken to anyone at women’s aid yet? They can certainly help you see things more clearly and can show you that you have choices. It’s hard breaking away but it can be done. I wish I’d known about WA when I was in the early stages of this relationship, as it is I’ve been with him over 2 decades and only realised it’s an abusive one in the past 9 months but have been looking fir answers as to why he’s treated me so horribly for about (detail removed by moderator). It’s horrible realising the man we feel in love with gets a kick outc of treating us this way, don’t leave it too late to get away from him, children see and hear a lot more than we realise. Their future self is at risk, as are any possible healthy relationships. Have you kept a diary of abuse, dates times possible witnesses. Try and keep it factual but include how it makes you feel. For ages I wanted to die, tried to a few times but them it struck me that it’s the relationship I want dead not me, not even him. Have you thought of speaking to your doctor, writing this down officially is good fir future reference. Watch how you react to him, he’ll be storing up anything and everything to use against you if you decide to leave him, especially where the children are concerned.
Take care and keep posting.
IWMB 💕💕

[Mumaoftwo]

I’m 20 mins away from town. He didn’t want to live in town so choose out here my family are 20 mins away some 5 mins.
He just wont listen and says my eldest will cope and adapt but why should she.
I’m sitting here thinking this is my life forever as I will never work or make enough money and so he will always look down to me and I’m not equal. He wants to move so his mum can live with us but she needs 24hr care and with two children I wont be able to do that but he wont listen there are houses in this area that wod be suitable for us all bit he is a show man and if this house is big and he works comes home goes to bed and that’s it even if he comes home at 5 he wont stay down here with us.

[fizzylem]

Hi MOT, I don’t like this, it’s not how loving, respectful couples make decisions is it. He’s basically saying I’ve decided end of, sounds like you’ve tried to explain how you feel and that it needs to be a joint decision and he’s not interested; personally, I dont think this needs spelling out, he should know and understand this, not want it any other way.

He’s also trying to leave you feeling like you have less value and less say being a stay at home mum, he wouldn’t be able to work and have a child if you weren’t there to take care of his child, unless he used a paid childcare service – you are a team yes? He brings in the money and you take care of the family, no one is more important and each of you hold equal value.

He should understand that you want to put your eldest’s needs first and support you on this – why is he doing this? Putting you in this position? It’s horrid.

Can you go away for the weekend or even better a week, and leave your youngest with dad? Sounds to me like he needs a big dose of awareness re what you do all day! I shouldn’t really say this but cant help myself, what a d**k. How about you say, ok you go and buy your house and we’ll stay here, we’ll use the child support you’ll need to pay for the rent! FL. x

[Mumaoftwo]

It was a rushed marriage as his dad was poorly and he said we have too because he wants his dad there.his dad was here for another year an a half. He stops washing and then moans that there is no affection from me sometimes it’s up to 2 weeks with out having a shower.he is quite a big man and he doesn’t smell healthy at all sometimes it makes me gag to get in the bed. He brought me a car for my birthday and also played for me to pass my test. So says he gave me my freedom but I have no money to actually run the car.i have (detail removed by moderator) a month that’s my eldest child maintenance and CB. 80 fuel to goes on shopping a month the rest I have to use to top up shopping and buy kids clothes and nappies as he gives me (detail removed by moderator) a week too feed all 4 of us. I’ve said it’s not enough as some times he says he wants certain things and his answer is to make it spread to feed us all. It’s just madness and I cant see a way out.

[fizzylem]

Sigh. He thinks he’s bought you hey, and he tries to make you feel like you are living in his pocket, you owe him.

He sounds dreadful. Please leave. You might not have much on benefits but it will be enough and you can manage it yourself. Can you start to squirrel anything away and get a private rental in the catchment? Then apply for housing benefit?

[Mumaoftwo]

Its horrid situation my eldest isn’t his. Normally fir her birthday he gets her a special made cake. This year he said no but our littlest will get one. I said how is that fair. Because she has two dads. Well it wasn’t the case last year so why would anyone do that. I’m off to see someone next week with one of my friends to see what help I can get. And what steps i need to take. He wasn’t like it before we got married it’s just slowly got worse and l am struggling. It’s an awful feeling I’m having such bad anxiety about it. Even when he is out I don’t ever know when he is due home and I’m panicking. He has never been violent but is verbally.

A couple of months ago I wanted my hair cut short like shoulder length and I asked him first if it was okay and he said he would pay for it if I wore make up every day. I told him I’d pay for it my self. He wasn’t happy

[Mumaoftwo]

He said this as well I paid for you to have your freedom and independence( he paid for me to learn how to drive) but wanted me to pay tax and insurance then last year brought me a car that I cant afford to run as its huge. If I’d said no to the gift I would be ungrateful.

[Iwantmeback]

So long as to the outside world everything looks perfect that’s all he’s worried about. He has no idea of what a loving relationship can be. He works, provides and you do everything else, with no input to any of the decisions. A real live stepford wife. Get as much advice financially as you can, make sure they really know about domestic abuse how Sneaky it is. To the outside world everything looks great, but no-one should live half a life. He’s starting to make a difference between the children, he’ll soon start finding faults with your child, giving out punishments, giving the silent treatment. Speak to someone at WA, find out the dynamics of abuse, the cycle of abuse. As far as he’s concerned he’s the king of the castle and you are there to serve him and his every need. I’m angry and really sad for you, I hope you can find the strength to leave him. 💕💕
.

[Mumaoftwo]

Its exactly that everything looks wonderful from the outside. Which makes it hard for me as I’m going to be the bad person. I’m sure if people knew the truth they would change there mind but they don’t see that side of him. Thank you for listening to my rant. I feel a little bit more determined to make a better life now more than anything. Even if we are struggling we can be happy.

I’ve told him before I feel like his slave. His answer was you pick up after the kids so what’s the problem. I’ve tried to get him to go to counselling but he wont. I even said are you worried someone will tell you that your wrong. But obviously he thinks everyone will think he is right.

[Mumaoftwo]

I’ve looked the only thing would be to see if the council has anything out here as it quite expensive to rent out here. We rent at the mo and for a 3 bed it about 1300 a month and some two beds are 1000 even flats are not far off that

[Mumaoftwo]

It also gets better because his mum is now poorly and need 24hrs care and I’m that person for the job. I’ve tried to explain that I don’t think I’ll cope and he will have none of it. Now I’m the bad person who doesn’t want to look after his mum. But she had a nasty fall while she was with him hiw am I going to cope with a 5 and under two and care for his mum 24hrs day when am I meant to sleep. See I’m worried that he will tell everyone that’s why I’m leaving people are going to think I’m awful person.

[Iwantmeback]

He will never see anything from your side, all he’s worried about is how he looks to those around him, never mind it’s because of you that he’s able to have this life. Try and contact the helpline, they can give better advice on how to deal with this, we do our best to support each other because we’re the only ones who know what each of us are trying to say even when we can’t find the words. Have you looked up about the FOG created by living in an abusive relationship. I know only too well how much time and energy is retired in looking after an elderly parent, add into that 2 young children, and no support from your husband, that’s a nervous breakdown waiting to happen. It sounds like something out of a book. Husband is trying to send wife crazy in order to get custody of children and live with new woman. I’ve just recently read a book like that, all that was missing was the elderly parent. The more you Learn about abusive behaviour, the stronger and angrier you’ll get. Just be careful because these men are so in tune to us and our emotions that the slightest difference in us is noted.
IWMB 💕💕

[Mumaoftwo]

This is how I feel because I’m so worried I wont cope but he isn’t interested. I’m going to see some at wa in my area with a friend and then speak to the council. Thank you again for listening to to rant and see that I’m not crazy to think I’m right that the way he is treating me isn’t right xx

[Iwantmeback]

You are so welcome. Take care and keep posting.xx

[Iwantmeback]

Ps, re the not showering, could you let it slip that someone pointed it out to you about his odour. If he’s so up on showing this false persona he’d hate it if anyone thought badly of him. You could say so and so was asking if you were okay as they’ve noticed a strong smell around you when you go by. You can use your own words obviously.
IWMB 💕💕

[fizzylem]

Lol! That’s a great suggestion IWMB – love it!

Been thinking, reckon you also need to stop feeling you need to apolgise or that he’s doing you one big favour by taking on you and your eldest – either you are one big family and each member is loved, tresured and respected or you’re gone!

Please stop asking him if you can have your hair cut, and running everything by him, this only leaves him feeling I have the power!

Whose on the tenancy for this poroperty? Can you get it switched to just your name and get housing benefit and council tax relief? Might be worth calling the letting agent to discuss and housing benefit? There is also an online calculator for benefits, and one for child maintanance – would it help to figure out exactly what money you could get?

TBH, I might be wrong, but if he starts to notice you are not going to take any more sh!t from him; stand up for you and your eldest, he’ll likely just get more sneaky and manipluative, so that you stay and he can still get what he wants. This man is a pig – get your exit plan in place xx

[Mumaoftwo]

(detail removed by moderator) The silent treatment for me and my dad has mentioned it about showering he doesn’t change. The rent is to much for me to even consider staying otherwise I would. It’s already started to as he is posting stuff on Facebook (detail removed by moderator) as I havent taken our daughter as she is at an age where sitting still is not an option and if she don’t get what she wants she screams blue murder. I did suggest he takes her but he wont because she will cry without me the only way she goes to him is if he gets his phone out then says I have to bribe her some way.

[Iwantmeback]

Try not let the silent treatment get to you, it’s hard but he’s just looking for you to apologise or berth him to acknowledge you. Has anyone told you about using the grey rock method. It’s where we become as boring as possible, one word replies, if any. Don’t start any conversations, give him nothing. There are a few YouTube videos about this, I’ve been using it for months now and it’s driving him crazy. Your dad might not be enough for him to bother about his opinion re showering, there must be someone who’s opinion would make him sit up and take notice. But look on the positive, his hygiene is a good enough reason not to be intimate.
Have as good a night as possible, speak soon
IWMB 💕💕

[Iwantmeback]

I agree Fizzylem, I no longer apologise for anything unless I recognise I have done something that should be apologised for. In an abusers mind when we apologise it reaffirms that they are and were right all along because you’ve apologised. Nothing makes sense, but in an abusers mind it does.
Look at it this way, he goes off on one no matter what you do, so make it matter to you, because he’s going to go off on one anyway. Women’s aid can help you plan a safe exit, they can help fill out hiding firms. You won’t get any benefits until you’re offered a house but your circumstances are taken into consideration. Not knowing about finances after leaving is what keeps us in an abusive situation. Ask anything and we’ll guide you as best we can. While you’re in the midst of the FOG created by living in an abusive relationship you can’t see clearly. knowledge is power, the more you learn, the less of a hold he’ll have over you. Google trauma bonding and FOG which stands for fear, obligation and guilt. Keep posting, keep reading others posts.
Best wishes IWMB 💕💕

[Mumaoftwo]

I find it so hard to explain what it feels like to live here. I’ve said I was going to leave him before and I ended up staying as he told me I would never leave with his child. But I think he has come to see that he wouldn’t be able to look after her an hasnt said this again. I’m scared I feel sick even writing this. He has power and he has influence in a lot of things that could make my life hell as he works closely to some of the things I need do and go. Tho different departments but he has contacts and money. I mean he managed to get a family member off for something because he k ows this top solicitor.i feel like I don’t have to give him power he has it😢
I will Google what you have said an have a read
Thank you again

[InHope]

Hi MoT, sorry if it’s been mentioned before but have you gone to your local Citizens Advice Bureau drop-in centre? Please try it. Take the kids along if you have to, don’t worry about that. If you feel like you’re being financially controlled and/or abused and you need to leave him, tell them, they can point you in the right direction. Or try a Job Centre – When I went to one I was lucky enough to see such a helpful person, he gave me a list of my local support organisations and some sound advice. I made so many phone calls when I first separated from my bully of an ex, speaking to people really helped me cope. WA, the Samaritans, 101 and the NCDV were so good. Phone around your local solicitors too, some offer free consultation, i.e. a 10 min phone call. Good luck to you, you’ll be looked after.

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