Feel like I’m dying in every way

[Kellym]

Hi

I haven’t been on for a while but I’m having an awful time, the violence in my house is still very much there abuse in every aspect, physical, mental, verbal, sexual and financial

I feel so bullied I don’t know where to turn (removed by Moderator) but honestly I don’t know what options I have left because I feel so so trapped

there is so much going on to much to list but I feel like I’m going to explode he keeps my son by his side at all times so I can’t run if I take them both he says he will kill himself and believe me I really do think he would he is that unhinged and crazy

 

I just need some support really to pull me through, I hate this time of year I have no idea what a happy new year looks like because I have been so b****y sad for (timeframe removed by Moderator) now I have detached so much from life, my emotions I don’t feel anything about anything anymore just anxiety and survival mode

 

I really am worried about what might happen to me and I don’t know how to get out of it, I have huge ptsd issues I live in it every day even when I’m happy I’m smiling but I’m not happy I’m miserable all I get told it what an awful mum I am and how I have let me kids down in every aspect of life

I have to fake so much I have to fake happy moments with him I have to fake enjoying sex when really my skin is crawling I am triggered by every touch of his hand al I know from them hands is pain and hurt

 

I know I am failing my kids by not leaving believe me I would love nothing more than to walk away but it’s like I have an addiction I think someone said before it’s like being a heroin addict

 

(timeframe removed by Moderator) he woke me up early hours and made me get out of my bed and go and sleep in my car because he was going to punch my head in, one of my children is scared of him so came with me and he happily let us sleep in the cold car then blocked my access to any money to eat (timeframe removed by Moderator)

Any way I just needed to get something’s off my chest, I just want to be loved and have a safe home I’m sitting in my car again because I’m frightened to go in there is no where to run and hide and I’m exhausted of getting backed into corners and beaten up infront of my kids

 

I hope everyone is well and surviving

What is a happy new year! I hope many of us know next year

x*x

[Piano.Forte]

Hello Kellym, I have read your posting. I am sorry that you are in a situation that is causing so much fear and stress. You say you feel like you are dying in every way. OK. I hear you. I am writing to you and I will try and help you. The time now is 19:42. You posted, you reached out you have evidenced you situation by writing. It seems you have reached a very low point after a long time of abuse and it might be time tonight to get out of the house and stay in a shelter/safe place. I will look online and get back to you.

Call the police if you are in danger (removed by Moderator)

All I can say is stay away from him. Stay focussed. Do not engage with him.

Do you have access to a phone?

Here is the number of Samaritans 116 123. They are available to speak to 24 hours a day. Please do not do anything that you regret. Think about your safety and the next hour by hour. Is it time to leave?  Can you find some time tonight to call the Samaritans and speak to a helper? Please consider this. I have called them on quite a few occasions and it has been good to talk to them. Also do you have access to a phone to call 999? You do not have to wait for a crisis to contact the police – being forced out of your house with one of your children is not right, good, or acceptable it is cruelty and as you say abusive. Can you pack a bag with items ready to leave the house and pack things for your children.

I am going to find the site for a shelter. I will email again shortly.

Send me a post to let me know how things are going.

 

[Piano.Forte]

Hi KellyM, there is a company called Refuge.

You definitely need support this is not something you can work through on your own. (removed by Moderator)

You ask what is a happy new year? well I for one do not celebrate tonight as new years eve! My new year is the Spring Equinox around March 22nd. I have a pot of tea and a mince pie and I waiting to watch Shaun Atwood’s podcast on youtube. I am in my bedroom on my own and I keep clear of my husband. I am listening to wind whistling outside and I am thinking of you and your mental health and your safety. Please take action. Please let me know how you are.

Find a phone. Find a safe space and call the 24 hour domestic abuse helpline 0808 2000 247 as soon as you can. Please put your safety and mental health first. You have surely come to a new low point and make the call. Get started on making a change for the bettter – one where you come first.

Any woman who needs to escape from domestic abuse/violence can go into a refuge at any time. Your children can go with you. You can stay in the accommodation and you will get help to find a home to live later on.

OK so the 24 hours domestic abuse helpline is 0808 2000 247

Call them. Find a safe place and call them.

(detail removed by Moderator)

[Piano.Forte]

Hi KellyM, the time is 20:02. I am going to check in with the Forum in one hour to see if you have been able to find a phone and if you have left me a message.

keep safe.

Happiness I believe is within oneself. Not outside of self. No amount of fireworks, roast beef, presents and good wine is going to create it. Think of one time when you felt happy maybe when you were a teenager or a child. Store that memory and hold on to it.

Happiness for me is to be able to hear birdsong and recall walking as a child across country pathways.

[Lisa]

Hi Kellym,

I wanted to let you know I have sent you a private message with support for when you are able to check safely.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Firsttimedivorcee]

Your words have really gotten to me Kelly. Whilst I realise it doesn’t matter for much, I pray the new year brings happiness and health for you and your babies. I hope 2025 grants you peace and strength. Please let us know you’re okay. When it is safe to do so of course x

[Piano.Forte]

Hi Kellym, I read Lisa has messaged you.

I wish you well and strength to move forward safely. Thinking of you.

[Better-days]

Hi Kelly your post is heartbreaking hunni, I hope u are ok, this herrendous time your going through there is light at the end of it. When I joined this forum I felt so trapped with no way out I’m still in my relationship no physical but I have gained strength in knowing I have options….life was so hard one day after his rage outbursts I left and called emergency homeless. There was a crisis in my area and I was offered hostel I didn’t go, but what happened was I gained so much strength from reaching out. It seems so scary reaching out.that  person can be anyone friend woman’s aid doctor whoever you feel most comfortable with but please do it will give u strength you never er knew you had. I know how scary this time Is for you my partner has said he would kill me if I took kids. It’s very common for abusive men to say this. I send you so much love and strength x*x

[Author]

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