Feel like I'm falling apart

[onceuponadream]

I left my husband a few months ago after having a breakdown and struggling with suicidal thoughts. I feel like I hit rock bottom and there was no way out. But then through counselling and speaking to some People close to me I felt I opened my eyes to what was wrong. The root of my problem was how much I was lieing to myself and others about how happy my relationship was. I had been cheated on multiple times and made to feel like it was my fault, regular outbursts of aggression although not directly aimed at me made me recoil into myself. I would recieve silent treatment for days sometimes weeks and be made to feel useless. Sexually I would oblige him because if I didn’t I felt like I was a bad wife and would recieve the silent treatment. But I am still trying to make excuses. My friends have said this is abuse but I can’t see it. I still feel like if I had done better or that I’m making a mountain out of a molehill.
Since revealing these thing to my innermost circle I have been getting nightmares and flashes where I feel like im back with him. I had a very bad day a few days ago and I felt so disconnected from life. Like I was there and functioning but not apart of anything. I feel like I’m falling apart at the seems. I was so strong when I left I now feel like I’m going backwards, Im struggling in work which makes me feel even worse I feel like if I take more time off then im failing. I feel like people will think im just lazy and using it as an excuse, I just feel like my heads in bits and i just don’t know where to go.
I feel I can control my anxiety when I’m at home or out and about but in work I have to put a face on and smile at people, i just wish I could be me.. But i feel I need to stay strong. I feel like I’m drowning but nobody can see. I feel like there is no order to anything in my head it’s all a jumbled mess and new things keep getting added and I can’t keep ontop of it all.
I’ve thought about posting on here for weeks now… But only now I’ve plucked up the courage.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi and welcome to the forum. It’s strange how even plucking up the courage to post on here can take so long. I guess it’s finally admitting out loud who we live/lived with😏 it’s complicated, yet should be the simplest thing to do, walk away, yet still we stay. Leaving an abusive partner is very like having someone we love die, we go through the same feelings, denial,disbelief,anger, etc. There’s no timeline as to how long it takes to feel good about ourselves again. It will always remain apart of us, I guess the secret is not letting it define us or impinge on our future life.
Please dont be so hard on yourself. Is there an anniversary due or have you had negative people around you. It’s strange what triggers off our feelings. I think we can also take on too much, gives us less time to think doesn’t it, but in order to move on, we have to face our fears. There was nothing you could have done or changed to stop him behaving the way he did. He chose to be like that. It’s his shame and embarrassment, not yours. Could you go to your doctor and speak to them at how you’re feeling, let them know that he is the cause of this, you might be able to speak to someone again or even be given anti depressants short term. We do what we do to survive. It sounds as if you’ve been running on adrenaline for so long and it’s running out. I find listening to you tube videos better than watching them, There’s some good meditative ones out there. I practice law of attraction(LOA), I find it works when I do it, sometimes I get distracted but have recently restarted doing it.
Take care and believe in yourself, you have come so far.It’s okay to be overwhelmed, life does get in the way.
Best wishes IWMB 💕💕

[KIP.]

Hello and welcome. What you’re feeling is normal after leaving an abusive relationship. Some good counselling is required. It sounds like you have post traumatic stress disorder. I’m not diagnosing you but your symptoms are just like mine when I escaped. The root of your problem was your abusive husbands behaviour. Violent outbursts are designed to frighten us into control and submission. It doesn’t matter if they’re directed at us or not. My ex would punch my dog or have angry aggressive frightening outbursts. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. It’s good you can open up. Ring the helpline or find your local women’s aid x

[diymum@1]

hi there and welcome,

i read recently that were so pre-occupied dealing with there behavior and then sorting out the after math we dont really let our feelings seep in. when we have time all our emotions slowly creep back up on us. nightmares are your brains way of readdressing things although flashbacks and dreams can be part of PTSD. we feel anger, we get frustrated with ourselves, we fall apart but in time (and with good therapy) we do put ourselves back together one day we find ourselves laughing again and we think we can only go up from here especially when weve been rock bottom x*x love diymum xx

[onceuponadream]

Thank you so much for replying, I have a meeting with a local support group next week hoping to finally get some answers and try to put my head back together…or at least find the right path to follow. x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi again, that’s great news, slow and steady it will work out, just have faith in yourself.💜💜

[Anonymous]

Yeah. I get that diymum. We’re just in survival mode. I felt I just had to keep my blinkers on and keep going. Only when he was arrested and taken away did I fall apart. But you find yourself again, bit by bit.

[Author]

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