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Has anyone else ever felt like this?
I didn’t have a horrible life but my partner has physically hurt me about once a year, for our whole relationship, sometimes less than this if the incident was bad and it took me a while to return to normal.
We’ve been in limbo since he intimidated me a few months back and I left our home and haven’t moved back.
I have done so much reflecting and reading and i know all about the cycle and trauma bonding but even though I know this I feel so lost without him and like I’m making 90% of my life worse because I don’t want the scary 10%.
If I was on the outside looking in I would wonder why it even comes in to question but in the thick of it I’m worried that my life will never be as good as it is when it’s not scary…if that makes any sense.
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It absolutely makes sense. I understand what you are going through. I have started to see my partner less and less after what he did. During our time together there were little elements of abuse but I didn’t know that’s what it was and at the time I put it down to the fact that he was on medication for not drinking and the struggle of staying sober. He’s been sober for a number of months now but the abuse has got worse. This year he did something that pushed things to another level and he held me in a car during a drive home from down south. The journey took several hours and during that time he was physically abusive, controlling, he was mad. I pleaded and pleaded for him to just take me home but he didn’t care and was acting deranged. I didn’t do anything straight after and I went into work the next day as normal shell shocked. I didn’t understand and couldn’t believe what had happened. Since then things haven’t been the same but I still love him. I miss him more at the weekends when we would have gone out with my dog and did a lot together. We had some great times but he has destroyed that and I really don’t think I will get the feelings back again. His brother’s wedding is coming up but I can’t go and I had been looking forward to it. I didn’t go to the hen night either or the anniversary of him not drinking because I can’t look his family in the eyes. They have normalised it and said I provoked him and we used to all be close. Then Women’s Aid told me about ‘Claire’s Law’. I filled out the form not expecting anything of significance to come back but it did and he has been convicted of domestic abuse before and then broke bail and went back to the house. Now trying to justify it in my head I think well he was drinking then so he really wasn’t in control of himself but I know it’s not true and if he’s done it before then he will do it again. He could have killed us on that drive north and I should be grateful that I have my life as he threatened to drive us into the central reservation. This forum has been so important in helping me and I am starting to agree with the women who have told me to have no contact and shut it down. I haven’t been replying to his texts recently and he contacted my boss to see if everything was okay. Today and Sunday are my worst days for wanting to contact him because I’m off work and have more free time but I’m determined this weekend not to get in touch. I’ve recently moved into a new house and he has been abusive in here so I don’t want him back in my house so how can I have a relationship with someone I don’t trust in my house? He has tried to destroy me and is now sending me lovely pitiful texts to draw me back in.
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Hi HH, guessing its only natural to miss parts of your life, even parts of him, especially after a few months, it’s not that long really is it, when you consider how long you’ve been together. Sounds like it’s only now really starting to hit, the change and what it all means.
Does it help to think about whether you could live together for another 5 yrs? 10 yrs? 20?
Only you know what it right for you. Personally, I don’t think I could live with the violence, however irregular; mine was never violent to me, it was verbal abuse, anger, rage, he did used to hit the wall and throw things and that was enough, it was frightening seeing and knowing he was out of control, but I think what I found worse was his daily controlling behaviour and the manipluation, he left me questioning my sanity, doubting myself, feeling rubbish about myself, I lost who I am, because I was attacked for being me every day, this was either abuse shouted at me or a subtle knock down in a ‘joke’, among other ways, it wore me down. When it ended it only got worse, he did whatever he could to try and cause me distress and misery, always being uncooperative and abusive – with no thought for the impact on our child.
Suppose I’m telling you this as I’m wondering if it will help you to think, while the physical violence is unacceptable, is it this in isolation that led you to leave? Or was there other abuse as well? Abuse you felt more regularly? This usually feels like a daily misery.
I’ve learnt that unless the answer presents itself to me, to do nothing, and this never lets me down, it has to feel right and make perfect sense hey. You dont have to make a decision yet. The answer will present itself to you after you have gathered all the info you need, seems you’re not there yet hey. FL.x
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Hi HH, I think I’m must be feeling really emotional just now, both your post and Fizzylem’s reply has me crying silent tears. Yours because I don’t love my husband because of how he’s treated me over the years, of how he’s threatened me with and been violent on occasions.
Threatened to and hurt my dogs. He’s generally verbally abusive, he’s gaslighted and still does, he makes out I’m so sensitive and he’s only joking when what he does is far from funny, if it’s not daily it’s definately every other day.
You may be thinking just now for 10% of the time it is worth putting up with because, 90% of the time your life is good but it will turn round. If you go back he will then know he can do and say anything and you will not leave him for definate. It’s how I can’t bear this to get worse in 5,10 or 20 years, that’s why I know I will eventually have to leave. You have shown so much courage in leaving, you’re getting there slowly, but like as with drug addicts, withdrawal from our drug of choice hurts, hurts like hell. The pain is physical. It is very real. Take strength from us, can you try and organise to be around other people at weekends for a while, make plans to have someone at yours, even book yourself to a b&b for the weekend, anything to distract from thinking of him. One day it will hit you that you’ve not thought of him at all until of course the time you realise that, but it won’t be as all consuming. I wish one of us could phone someone when they feel like like to distract but being anonymous will have to do I suppose💜💜
Love to you IWMB 💕💕 -
Something that struck me were the lines:
my partner has physically hurt me about once a year, for our whole relationship, sometimes less than this if the incident was bad and it took me a while to return to normal.
I honestly was horrified that he could hurt you so badly that it could take over a year to get back to normal enough that he thought he could do it again.
Even if he did absolutely nothing physically bad during that healing time, it’s his behaviour that is making you feel not normal’ for a long, long time. He is still abusing you, by making you feel that way.
I imagine that you must live with a fear of that outburst too, once you are near healed, wondering when and how the next incident will happen. That’s abuse, caused by his behaviour.
Maybe keep a journal of the little things that make you feel something’s not ‘quite’ right. The things that give you that tiny, spreading cold feeling in your stomach. We minimize their behaviour and how it really makes us feel, so having it to look back on can really help to make sense of it.
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Thanks for being amazing as always ladies.
I think I may have made this sound worse than it is… when I say it was a bad incident, I mean how long it took me to get back to trusting him , letting my guard down and thinking yes this time we have moved through it and are stronger than ever…and then wham it would all come crumbling down again. It wasn’t an injury that took the time, just my mind.and heart.
When I think about being with him, I do think I’d have a nice life but something inside of me is saying don’t be in this same position 1, 2, 5 years from now. Break away while I can and I have no ties other than the house. Because I have realised he gas lights me and also that in disagreements it’s his way or
Even as I write this though he has quite quickly switched from being really upset to being really difficult about the house.
I struggle so much to think he does this to me on purpose 😢 -
It is very difficult truly accepting that he who says he loves us more than life itself continues to verbally and emotionally abuse us. It’s about no longer Listening to anything he says, walking away from the hopes and dreams and about that part of us that keeps saying what if…
Accepting that he did brainwash us and trying to undo it, it’s about not letting the little lost boy he shows us get under our skin. It’s about being in tune with what we need more than what he needs.
Keep seeing how quickly he changes from nice to spiteful to vindictive to poor me back to nice again.
Take care, keep believing it’s not you. Keep believing it will get better.
Best wishes IWMB 💕💕 -
I get how you feel; it is hard to accept that someone who claims to love us can make us feel so bad. It is helping me to remember that the man who is nice, loving, kind and considerate is still the same man who hurts me, the same man who call me horrendous names, the same man who tells me I am mentally ill because Im always seeing conflict when there is none, the same man who mocks the way I speak, the same man who humiliates me in front of our son, the same man who explodes with rage if I challenge his controlling behaviour, the same man who expects to have full access to my body no matter how much he has disrespected me and the same man who tells me and others that I am ‘cuckoo’ because I just do not want to be happy and that my only real interest in life is provoking him into abusing me…… it is the same man, just as the man who is okay 90% of the time is the same man who abuses you for 10% of the time. Try and keep syrong, you know in your true heart what is right and what is not. Hold on to your truth, keep holding on to it and you will get the courage to act in your own best interests. You may never get the lifestyle that you want, many of us don’t but a life free from abuse and humiliation has got to be a better life. That is what I am holding on to and ot is helping me. x*x
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hvh always go with your gut – every time i havent done so ive regretted it. this is your survival denses kicking in. take this opportunity to stay away from him. this will ease up and get better. you do need support around you and also learn to support yourself. thats where im at right now ive never done this before but im slowly bring my old self back xx love diy mum
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