Feel like it’s your fault ?

[Gazebo]

Does anyone feel like it’s their fault that their partner husband behaves like this A like we cause it? I do wonder if it’s me sometimes and should I make more effort then I feel so trapped by him, smothered, this week he’s had a go because I didn’t hear my little one in the night and to sort my hearing out (removed by moderator) it’s all the little things isn’t it they all add up to making me feel lower wnd lower. I’m washing up and he’s touching me or I sit down on a evening and just want some me time snd he’s there touching me – he’s always like I love you so much and am still so in love with you but I think how can you be when you say those little hurtful things – he has no patience with the kids and he lives for the evenings when there in bed when me I love for them times there with me xx this is all a bit of a waffle I know but just need somewhere to right as reallt feel like I’m struggling xx

[Grey Rock]

Hmmm. So, what would someone have to do around or to you to you to make you speak abusively to them???

Are you doing those things to or around him? Somehow I doubt it.

You are not causing it. You can’t control his behaviour. We only have control over our own choices and behaviour. That’s where our power is and where our hope is.

GR

[ladiesand gentlemen]

Absolutely NOT you fault
I felt like that for many many many years !!!!!
They behave like this to make you feel bad, to control you as much as possible.
Use the strength you have found to contact Womens Aid to pull away from your partner, even just in your mind for now.
Take care xx

[Gazebo]

Thank you both for replying xx I struggle around him a lot now and I think he can sense it so he pushes thing more touching me etc I just wish I could escape him but it’s so hard with little ones and a house etc 🙁 I hate this feeling so much xx

[nbumblebee]

Hey @gazebo yep i get this totally. My husband is the same always touching me always wanting sex never just a hug and i feel like im the bad guy cause he says im not affectionate that i dont make an effort (he likes me to dress up) and then gets nasty when i say the word no.
So i totally understand how you are feeling. Half of you feels like maybe if you made an effort maybe if you tried harder then he wouldnt be this way then he may see you in a different light and love you for you not what you do for him. Then the other half knows that most likely no matter what you do it wont be good enough that you will never be good enough for him. We are fighting ourselves as well as them arent we? My god this is so hard. Sending you hugs xx

[Gazebo]

I just want to turn around and say I’m done I really do I’m really struggling to even smile around him at the moment 🙁 I feel on edge constantly as he’s going to want sex and I really don’t want to I feel nothing. Yesterday was another day everything I did was wrong any suggestions I make to do to the house he always says no it’s his way or no way digs about my (removed by moderator) 🙁 I’m just so done with it all but don’t see a way out so sad having to live a life like this xx

[Lisa]

Hi Gazebo,

It’s concerning to hear how you have been increasingly struggling in your situation, so it’s good to see you have been reaching out here and getting some supportive advice.
It can be overwhelming to think about all the things that will/can change if you were to leave an abusive relationship. Practical things like finances and ensuring you have a permanent, safe place to live with your children is a worry. Considering the emotional impact it will have on your children and yourself also no doubt feels at times, impossible to face. Please know that there are services that can help you through this difficult time. Your local domestic abuse service can go over all your options, so you can get clarity on what you want to do so you do not remain trapped in such a volatile, toxic environment with your children. It’s important to not remain isolated in all this.
Unfortunately, as long as you remain in that property or maintain any communication with this man, the abuse and emotional manipulation will continue. His blatant disregard for you, coupled with the ‘love bombing’ understandably has left you anxious and confused, which is another reason to engage in specialist help. They can help validate the abuse, assure you it’s not your fault, and begin to assist you in making some important decisions to move on from this for a better life for you and your children.
Do keep posting to let us know how you are,
Take care,

Lisa

[Gazebo]

Thank you, I’m making an appt with my doctor today – she knows what’s going on and I haven’t seen her for a while but feel I need to again as I’m struggling she has said she can help make me appts if I need to I have issues with what my husband does as a job….which worries me about being found out what I’m seeing docs etc about xx

[Anonymous]

Hi Gazebo,

I could have written this post too. The touching felt like sexual harassment to me. Just reading your post reminds me of the feeling. I hated it!
My ex would also make a big deal out of things that weren’t even bad about my parenting, just to make me feel like a terrible parent. Like how your partner made you wear (removed by moderator)! I’m thinking you were probably dead asleep because your partner doesn’t let you rest! I remember feeling so tired all the time, as a result of the abuse and raising small children. I’d want to go to bed at 9pm.
If I ever challenged my ex about abusing or neglecting the kids he would bring up those times he made me feel bad about nothing in order to get the attention off himself. Always passing the blame to me.
I’m really sorry you are going through this. I’m out of the relationship, but not exactly free from him.
Best wishes xx

[ISOPeace]

It is really hard with young children. The flip side is that when I finally left, wanting to get my children out of an abusive environment really helped me find the courage to go. When I felt myself wobble, I reminded myself that I couldn’t let my children live in that environment or have a mother who, because of the abuse, can’t be the parent she knows they deserve. Having said that, it still took me a long time to do it, so don’t pressure yourself to leave before you’re ready.

It is absolutely true that making you feel like you’ve caused the abuse is part of the abuse. They want us to feel helpless, powerless, weak and stupid so that we just give in to what they say. They want us to focus our attention on what we’ve done wrong, to take the attention away from their behaviour. They don’t want us to looks at what they’re doing, because we might see through all the b*llshit they’re dumping on us. The reality is that nothing you do or don’t do can stop the abuse. Even if you do exactly as he says he wants, he’ll find something else to be abusive about. The abuse has never been about you, it has always been about his want to control you. Sending love. xxxx

[Gazebo]

Thank you, that’s exactly how i feel that I can’t be the mum I want to be as I’m constantly on edge around him I just want to chill but all he does is moan at me or them he’s so obsessed with the house and don’t do this and don’t do that to the kids I’m like their kids let them be kids he’s like (detail removed by moderator)…he is more concerned about that than spending quality time with his kids! Everything I do or say is wrong 🙁 I’m really done and(detail removed by moderator) he sulked because I said no to sex 🙁 so now I’m completely on edge again and no I just have to do it for him to back off for a few days reallt hate having to live like this xx

[nbumblebee]

@gazebo, yep all this. I iften fake a period for weeks so that i can get a break it doesnt often work but I will try anything. I dont see a way out either right now and its soul destroying to think this is it but I carry on and get up each day for the kids. I dont have any advise at all i really dont apart from really listen to the ladies on here, use the forum and get some help you cant go on like this its not a life you are living and you deserve to live a good life keep telling yourself that. You have reached out on here now reach out a little further and get some more help. Sending you hugs xxxxx

[ISOPeace]

I used to say I had thrush or an infection quite often so I had a between period excuse. Xxxx

[Gazebo]

That’s exactly me although I don’t have periods to use an an excuse 🙁 and if I say I have (detail removed by moderator) or something he’s like what again……I also survive each day for the kids they are my world but I feel I’m not a great mum when he’s around 🙁 xx

[ladiesand gentlemen]

ALL of the above !!!
Keep you and your children safe
You have already taken your first step, very brave to make that step, we ALL understand how horrific it is.
Take care

[Gazebo]

Thank you x*x

[Author]

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