Feel like I’ve been under a microscope

[Freedomfighter]

Hi ladies,
I’ve been trying to plan my escape, but between sickness and holidays he’s only worked one day in the past 4 weeks. I realised that I’ve felt like a goldfish in a bowl with nowhere to hide from his scrutiny. I haven’t been able to make any progress with my plans and have been feeling exhausted all the time. I’ve also had a lot of headaches/migraines and stomach pains/cramps. I’m wondering if it wasn’t all just feeling stressed from being constantly with him and watching what I said and did all the time.
Has anyone else experienced this? Did anyone else feel their abuser spent far more time with them before they left? I’m wondering if he’s guessed that I’m planning to leave soon. Or am I over reacting?
Any thoughts very much appreciated. Thanks

[SunshineRainflower]

It sounds very controlling. My ex sometimes used to follow me from room to room I remember, which at the time I find funny/cute/quirky (as it was only a few times) but in hindsight I think he was watching/monitoring me and possibly worried I’d find evidence of his cheating.

I was physically constantly unwell with him and had no idea why, I even apologised to him for being ill all the time! I reckon that’s why you’re exhausted and getting ill a lot. Did you get through to the helpline? They could help you make a plan although granted it is hard when he’s there all the time.

You might have to get creative and invent some scenario where you go to meet a friend/family member/dr and bring your important belongings and then later on send someone to collect the rest? I think that’s what some ladies have done. It all depends on house ownership, children, pets, the abuser himself etc. Go with your gut.

I definitely think they sense us wanting to leave and switch back to honeymoon mode to make us doubt ourselves. The last time I saw my ex he spent two hours gradually building up to an increasingly aggressive state with a raised voice and raised hand, verbally abusing me for having dared to ask about something very minor he didn’t want to discuss. There was a scary look of evil, exhilarated glee in his eyes as he saw me cower away. I started to feel scared and like I needed to get out of the house so I pretended to go to the bathroom and got my stuff calmly then said I would go to give us some space but acted normal and not like I was trying to escape. He instantly switched into calm, reasonable boyfriend mode and then hoovered me for weeks saying he was ‘worried about me’ and even told me I’d imagined the whole evening where he threatened me!!

It is all an act designed to trap us. The main thing that will protect you is your gut, your inner guide/voice that will guide you in the right direction. Follow that and you can’t go wrong, I found mine actually spoke to me quite clearly when I felt frightened, it was like hearing an angel (as crazy as that sounds, but I am sure it saved my life).

[Freedomfighter]

Thanks Sunshine,
I think I’m just getting nervous as my planned time to leave gets closer. There’s so much still to sort out and his constantly being home was really worrying me. I was afraid he’d guessed what I’m planning. I thought maybe that’s why he was suddenly home all the time. I was panicking that I wouldn’t be able to get everything arranged in time.
Oddly enough he hasn’t been aggressive lately. I’ve snapped at him a couple of times, which usually has him yelling at me. He stayed pretty calm which surprised me. Then he’s often unpredictable. Just nervous he has or will find out before I’m ready and I have no idea how he’ll react. I’d much rather not find out!
Thanks for your support x

[LizSKY]

The situation sounds like it must be difficult. Has he got any plans to return to work soon?

Is there a routine that you have each week where you go out? Could you fit any planning time in there so he wouldn’t notice. Be careful though and make sure you cover your tracks as I only went out for an hour yesterday and was questioned about what I was doing and where I had been. He came to a conclusion I’d been cheating on him so then it all started again.

I understand what you mean about feeling ill, as well as affecting my mental health I am also ill quite a lot. Do you feel like it comes on after a particularly stressful time?

It does seem like they can pick up on thoughts and feelings. I am in a similar situation and have been asked why I’ve been acting so off lately and have has constant calls and him going through my phone. It’s not good for you to make plans but it also puts additional pressure on you.

Good luck and take care x

[Freedomfighter]

Thanks LizSky, yes he’s back in work today, but unfortunately I feel really ill, diarrhoea and sickly with headache. Probably just nerves or these new tablets.
Anyway,I’ve just been pottering about doing bits of housework, cleaning and tidying. He’s a hoarder and very untidy, hates anything tidy, organised or empty spaces. I’m the opposite so have been decluttering the kitchen whilst boxing up some spare pots, pans, utensils etc to take with me. Thought he might not notice if I did the whole kitchen and said I was spring cleaning. Just need somewhere to stash them now. They’re in the boot of my car, I’ll say they’re ready to take to charity shop if he sees them. I can’t face the big things today so I’m tackling some little ones instead. Baby steps!😊Thanks for your support x

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