This topic contains 16 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by  Catjam 4 days, 11 hours ago.

  • Author
    Posts
  • #105888
     smallbutbrave 
    Participant

    So tonight I get into bed and STRAIGHT he wants sex…Even questioning why I have pj’s on. I was abit stressed and anxious about something that happened at work today and had recieved a text from my line manager trying to sort that problem out before tomorrow morning, the time I spend texting her back (30secs) he is behide me on the ned huffing and puffing ‘(detail removed by moderator)!!’ then I try and explain why we are texting and what happened at work today and I won’t be long, I also mention how many times I have listened to him moan about work just to he met with the usual ‘I earn alot more momey that you’ He makes me feel so undervalued. Just because I don’t earn ovet a certain amount I shouldn’t be stressed or worried about my job. He really p****d me off – who does he think he is?? He could see I was annoyed but demanded I give him a bl*wjob. He makes me so angry but I can guantee tomorrow he will be angry at me and start on me about how I don’t give him enough sex! I am just an object to him. He doesn’t respect me, he thinks he is so much better than me. If he has to go one night without any sex he is so grumpy and nasty. I can’t bear it. I don’t want to have sex everynight like him. Am I not normal because of this – he says its not normal. He asks me to donthings that i don’t feel comftable with then gets frustrated because I dont want tondo things. I don’t really know what the point is of my post but i need to vent.

  • #105896
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    I so hate this stuff. It’s like you know you can take care of things yourself, right? I’m not an object here. Very very chauvinistic and old school. I bet if you wanted foot rubs or back rubs every night and demanded he’d be all okay with that one, right? Of course not. Total disrespect and quite abusive. If you don’t want it you don’t want it and you’re not his sex slave either. Maybe if……..he was nicer to you, things could change but I don’t know any woman who would get into being used like this for his own gratification. It needs to be about you too and not just an act you do for him. And he gets grumpy when you don’t do it? Oh cry me a river here. Grow up!

  • #105899
     ineedsomeadviseplease 
    Participant

    Hey
    Glad you are venting. I think that not wanting sex every day is normal. You are not wrong there. He is trying to blame you and make you feel bad for something terrible.
    You have all the right to say no, even for a bl***ob or a kiss. It’s your body and you are not made to please anyone but yourself
    It’s easy for us to see. Maybe think of that as if your best friend told you she goes through the same. What would you advise? Be safe and I hope things work out in work too

  • #105902
     KIP. 
    Participant

    It’s not to do with the sex directly it’s to do with the fact you’re saying no. No was a word that didn’t exist for my abuser and when I said no, his abuse and controlling behaviour increased. I’d argue he doesn’t want sex every night. He wants to know he can control you into giving in to him every night. The grumping and being nasty is coercive control. He’s training you to give him what he wants or there will be negative consequences for you. I’m sure this behaviour will come into all aspects of your relationship. Blaming his anger on not enough sex is a very common tactic. My ex did this. I agreed to give him sex every day and after three days he didn’t want to. Why would I even want to have sex with someone who erodes my self confidence and self esteem. Who isn’t interested in anything except his own needs and how that affects him, abusers are not supportive or encouraging, they actively set out to stunt our growth. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven x

  • #105910
     Soulsearcher18 
    Participant

    You are ENTIRELY normal littlebutbrave.
    He is objectifying you, it is not acceptable behaviour.
    He is controlling and abusive, this is also not acceptable behaviour.
    YOU deserve to be treated better.
    I hope that you continue to share with us and log his behaviour.
    I hope you don’t mind but below I have put a few links from the Women’s Aid site which you may find useful if you haven’t already found them.

    Domestic Abuse Directory

    Am I in an abusive relationship?

    The Survivor’s Handbook

    All the very best to you.

    Soulsearcher18

  • #105911
     Soulsearcher18 
    Participant

    Also, just wanted to say well done for reaching out. I know that it takes a lot of courage to do so.

    Soulsearcher18

  • #105918
     Escapee 
    Participant

    Smallbutbrave, my heart goes out to you.

    This is coercive sexual abuse. I experienced what you are describing for many years. Eventually my body just shut down.

    He has no right to treat you this way. It is so destructive. And you’re so right – he is not respecting you.

    It might help to read the thread This is my abuser…….I’ve listed my experience but there’s others too that have suffered this abuse, we are not alone.

    And mine too belittled my job and my earnings which used to infuriate me as my job was very arguably way more important in life than his!

    Big virtual hug xx

  • #106013
     smallbutbrave 
    Participant

    Thank you ladies for your replies 🙂

    Inhad a text while at work (detail removed by moderator) that said ‘can we have a goid shag tonight’ and it just made me angry. I get that sex is important bit he has chipped away at my self esteem for so long now and put so much pressure on me to do this and that, i have zero sex drive and he has a high sex drive.

    there was a really pretty girl on the tv (detail removed by moderator) and he said ‘ i hope your taking notes’ w*f then started going on about how we need to pick up in the bedroom ( he gets sex alot, i do it for a quiet life) but it still isnt enough…. its not long enough, its too boring….He has been in a mood all evening and i am dreading going to bed!! I can sense an argument and it is the worst. the waybhe talks to me the aggression. what am i meant to do.

    sorry for the typos…i am rushing

  • #106014
     iliketea 
    Participant

    Heart goes out to you. Can you feign illness? Say you’ve lost your sense of taste? Make a big thing about it. Really sounds like you need a break from this. Or put laxatives in his food and that way he won’t be feeling like it for a few days… I’m being serious even though sounds jokey, whatever we can do to get through and survive. It’s wrong that a partner doesn’t take no for an answer. Xx

  • #106019
     smallbutbrave 
    Participant

    I like the laxatives idea haha!! I have faked many an illness but that gets nowhere just grief and grumpiness…hell, i still do even when i am actually really poorly 😔

  • #106020
     iliketea 
    Participant

    If you were ill with Covid though? Isn’t he selfish enough not to want to catch it himself?

  • #106151
     smallbutbrave 
    Participant

    Oh goodness..If I said Inhad covid he wouls go crazy..I am a keyworker and at the start of the lockdown I was expected to still be working on a rota and he said if any of us catch covid it is all my fault and made my life hell for having to go to work.

    He has told me he has had enough of us and is bored. He said I don’t give him enough attention and i don’t flirt with hom enough or give him enough sex. He also said its only fair he should be able to text other women. I need to ‘up my game’ if i want his attention. I have used the grey rock method which is pretty easy as i couldn’t give a toss what he does. Now though he has started to act normal on the whole apart from the evil glares!!

    I know he is being a t**t but part of me wonders of he does have a valid point? as a couple you should show your partner attention and be all over them right? We should make our partners feel wanted and not neglected. Then I just remember all the verbal, emotional abuse, the name calling, then insults, being shouted at and swore at infront of our son, the times he has layed his hands on me and left marks and bruised (this hasn’t happened for a long time though)

    Oh and (detail removed by moderator) I was called selfish and all me me me because I tried to defend myself after sitting listening to him bang on and on about his issues!

  • #106153
     Wants To Help 
    Participant

    He is a nasty piece of work by the sounds of it. Do you want out of this relationship or are you still living in the hope that he might change? Financially, would you be able to afford to walk out of this relationship, be able to leave it without fear of further harm?

  • #106182
     smallbutbrave 
    Participant

    I don’t no…I would rather be on my own. I know how happy and free i could be to live a normal life. I could do it alone, i have a job, savings. but its the guilt that stops me and i know he can be a nasty piece of work if he wants to be so that scares me. Also our son adores him so much. I always put my son first so this reason is probably the main reason why i don’t leave. Put it this way I don’t think he would leave easily or without a fight. We aren’t married and we are renting so i guess that makes it abit easier.

    He now wants us to ‘work’ on things.

    Why can’t I just be strong and say NO!!!

  • #106244
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    What we approve of in our life is pretty much an accurate indication of what we think of ourselves. (Detail removed by moderator) And all this is so rubbing off on your child. No good staying in this for your child…. Personally I’d be scared to death for my child to be around someone like him. Staying isn’t putting your child first. You have every means to get out of this and especially if you’re not married. I know you truly don’t love him, who could? He wants to work on things now does he? LOL! Good belly roll on that one. No, he doesn’t. He just wants to abuse from a different direction this time. Same song, different verse.

    Multiply all this horror and abuse by about ten and that’s where you will be six months down the road here. Or in less time. It’s escalating and he won’t stop. You have to decide what you want for your life and for your child’s life and fight for it. He has no valid points about anything here. Just one lie and manipulation after another. Take the rosey glasses off and stomp on them girlfriend! Let’s see some Brave in that Small, okay? Fire it up! Get Angry!!!

  • #108029
     Bettertimesahead 
    Participant

    This sounds v much like my husband. He would get stroppy if I was off work.and got up before him as in his words I didnt get to see you naked etc. If the house was empty he would expect sex, continually took photos. Hes currently moved out after an incident when hed been drinking but still trying to contact me, against bail conditions. Keeps contacting mutual friends threatening suicide. Behaving irrationally.

  • #108051
     Catjam 
    Participant

    Sat in tears because after lots of comments and huffing and puffing I gave in last night and let him have sex. I just lay there, clearly not wanting or enjoying it. He just carried on, after he was pulling at me to hug him. I am sore this morning as my body clearly didn’t want it either but he carried on.
    I have told him before that all I am to him is a body. A mindless lump who will do anything to keep the peace.
    It clearly isn’t about love and comfort as they claim. It’s the ultimate domination. I am his possession and he will do what he wants under the title of love.
    But we consent and back down simply because it’s easier. But after so long your core is diminished to nothing. Don’t be like me ladies, find the strength to walk away. Xx

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

EXIT SITE

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ Jobs

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account