21st May 2020 at 11:27 am #103999Snow white 12Participant
Im a survivor I’ve been divorced (detail removed by moderator) months still have the finances to sort and have everything I want now a supportive partner and my (detail removed by moderator) children . So why do I go on self destruct mode to try to ruin things as I’m not good enough for him . I have to stay strong for my children . If I’m not then what happens to them the unimaginable. I’m still controlled by finances and children . How do I stop this . I was reported to the police and contact was through a third party but because I wanted to take my children away last year I had to beg him to let me do it as I had the police at the door saying he had reported a possible abduction
21st May 2020 at 4:10 pm #104013BraelynnParticipant
Hi Snow……ahhh, it takes awhile for the poison to drain out of us. It took time to be fed to us and it takes time coming out. No set timetable for it, everyone is different in that regard. You are also talking about your own self sabotage here. We do that in large part because the tapes are still running in our heads that we are not worthy. Being with someone who is abusive and pelts us all the time with who we are not and who we need to be “for them” and how we are not good enough “for them”, etc., it just crumbles our own self esteem and we start seeing ourself as just an appendage to them, not really a person at all.
Then if you are still suffering from that and now you’re with someone who treats you well, most likely you will self sabotage because you haven’t totally healed yet from all your trauma. The picture you have in your head of you right now is not a true picture of who you really are so when someone treats you well, that old tape plays in your head of – no, no, it can’t be true, isn’t true, I’m not worthy of this kind of care and love, which means you might push them away.
An abusive person has to mold you into this person so you will be pliable for them. They systematically break you down and cripple you until you have no personhood at all, you are only there and exist to make them happy, meed “their” needs. So now, of course, (detail removed by moderator) months out you are still going to be feeling like this. It is quite normal as many women will no doubt tell you on here.
The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are, author Brené Brown – is a good book for you. We have others here on a thread called “Book Titles”. In all reality what you have been through is a kind of brainwashing. The codependency factor is going to be huge, where you’ve been taught to think of them first and their needs instead of you and your needs.
Try to really monitor your self critic because that little thing in your head has got a mouth on her and it’s blah, blah, blah 24/7 right? I’d pull her out by the hair of her head and sit her on a chair in front of you and ask the question – Sooo, missy, who taught you to say all this to me, eh? Hold that voice accountable. Then put a sock in it. That voice is abusive to us long after the abuser is gone. But, we have all control over that one because this is your life, no one else’s, it’s your wellbeing, your rules, your dreams and your right to be have peace in your own head.
Be very sure to do things for yourself that you love to do, that make you smile, happy, feel inspired, etc. Very very important that you self love here and if you need to learn how, well you learn how. You learn what you like and dislike all over again. Play! No more walking back to that cage and sitting down in it because it’s familiar, ok? Time to allow yourself the time to heal and not to hate the journey. Dismantle that cage and burn it! And everytime you hear the blah, blah in your head, please do tell it to shut up! You Are very very worthy!! You got out, you got your kids out so now it’s time for you to unwind here and this is a start, you talking about it. Hugs to you!!
22nd May 2020 at 8:21 am #104044Snow white 12Participant
Thank you will take a look at the book section zxxx
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