Feel sad

[Gazebo]

Just having a few very low days at the moment, my husband and I bickering constantly because I hate being around him, he sulks because we said we were going to have sex but kids were up and down so didn’t happen so he gets moody I don’t even want to have sex I can’t stand it 🙁 he does nothing all day when he’s not working just sits on his arse! I feel very sad to twice this week my youngest child has said to us stop arguing you two – it is only bickering but sad he’s picking up on that, I really wish I was strong enough to just say I can’t do this anymore I want out but I just can’t do it I don’t feel strong enough yet 🙁 xx

[KIP.]

Hi, when you feel it’s only bickering that may not be what your child sees. Try keeping a journal of his behaviour and how it makes you feel. Sex should be given freely without coercion or fear of the consequences otherwise it’s rape. It’s your body and you have every right to refuse sex. It’s soul destroying and causes depression. Having your feelings ignored and invalidated. Do you have support from women’s aid? Have you read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven? Sadly abuse always gets worse x

[Eggshells]

Hi Gazebo

It’s awful for you to be feeling so miserable and so stuck.

Perhaps you could start getting your ducks in a row and begin preparing to leave. Sometimes, making physical preparations can help you to prepare mentally.

(Typical, the one time I actually wanted to write “ducks” my autocorrect changed it to the f word) 🙄

[Anonymous]

Hi Gazebo,

I know this too well. I finally realised my ex was punishing me for not having sex with him every time he wanted it. He didn’t care if the kids were around. Actually he despised the children for taking my attention and care.
He would regularly bark back at me and be grumpy. He refused to take part with anything for the kids if he didn’t get sex the night before or that morning. When I would ask why he was treating me so badly he would shout ‘Why do you think?!’ meaning it was a result of not having sex. That is not consensual sex if you get punished for not doing it. And that is not love.
Please give yourself time and freedom to process everything. He’s hard on you, and you deserve space and time to work through this. Soon after we got married I wanted to leave. Even though he convinced me it was my fault, something inside me knew it was wrong. I struggled with how life would be on my own, how the children would cope, how dangerous he would get and so on.
You can start researching ways out. Do you have a support worker from Women’s Aid? Once you have an action plan, it’s less of an unknown. Maybe that will help.
xx

[nbumblebee]

I have a horrid past which means i already have a problem with self esteme and sex. Ok so my husband knows nothing of my past i wont ever tell him but he uses sex in such a way I still hate it.
I have to thank him sexually if hes done something nice for me or kids of family, if hes grumpy and nasty to me he knows that sex will stop that so i often say yes. He also gets nasty if i say no says such nasty things he even pushes me away if i just ask for a hug in bed if sex isnt gonna follow. Its worse when he drinks.
I switch off just try and think of something else till its finished. You are not alone in this I hate my life I really do. Stay strong keep posting these ladies here are amazing support.
Sending hugs xx

[Anonymous]

Hi nbumblebee,

My ex would push me away if I tried to hug him or hold his hand. I’m not sure if he got me to feel guilty or at fault. But looking back, I can see clearly how much disdain he had for me. I’m sorry you are experiencing this. It’s dehumanising.
Gazebo, I’m out of the relationship. I actually stopped having sex with him before we separated. Our circumstances means he still has ways to continue abusing me.
Best wishes ladies xx

[nbumblebee]

Thank you for the reply. Yes its horrible makes you feel geubby and dirty some days. When hes being nice i can see in his eyes how much he wants to say something nasty how hard it is for him to be nice and i dont understand what i do thats so wrong all the time for him to feel this way. I guess I will never know.
I hope you are feeling a little less sad today xxxx

[Gazebo]

Thank you ladies I hate the feeling of feeling trapped so much. Like I’ve said before o been initiate it to get it out of the way so I get say 2/3 days when I don’t have to do it 🙁 I don’t enjoy it and hate myself for being in this position. So sorry @nbumblebee I hope you can get out soon we all deserve to be happy so glad have this group for support xx I don’t have support @ocean from women’s aid as the times they are contactable get is here so I can’t get any access to them. Are you still in the situation ocean? I keep everything written down kip everything he says to me or days when he does naff all then expects me to be all over him. He sits so close to me on an evening touching my leg trying to hold my hand i hate it 🙁 I need to do something eggshells I’m just scared of how the children will be effected how he will react / and his parents I’m scared they my take my children from me xx thanks for replying everyone means so much xx

[gettingtired]

If he doesn’t have access to your emails, could you email your local domestic abuse service or Supportline? That’s how I have been in touch with places as making private phone calls is not always easy with him not working xx

[Gazebo]

I’ll give that a go thank you xx

[Bettertimesahead]

My husband was the same,sulked if we didn’t get sex, got grumpy if the kids were home unexpectedly. The scary bit is months later he still hasn’t accepted we are over, can’t understand why my adult kids won’t speak to him and still thinks I’m going to go away with him. He’s deluded.

[Eggshells]

Regardless of how your children react in the early days, you will be doing them a favour by getting them away from their abusive father.

I’m wondering what sort of a number he has done on you to make you think they will take your children away from you? Are you worried about what your children will be told by them and that they will “side” with their father?

[Gazebo]

I worry the blame will be put on me – he will say things like mummy doesn’t love daddy anymore A mummy’s making me leave, his parents I wouldn’t trust at all and just worry what they would do- his mum has even said to be how controlling her son is……but i know they will take his side whatever. My husband is very good at twisting things around and every row I end up apologising saying I’ll make more effort etc etc but I can’t do it 🙁 so then another row brews I can’t stand him near me. I speak to my mum about it and she knows I’m unhappy but she doesn’t give me any advise which I struggle with I know it’s my decision but want to feel like I’m doing the right thing if I tried to park leave 🙁 I don’t know I feel so low and confused at the moment xx

[Watersprite]

Hi Gazebo the confusion clears when you start believing your version of the truth not his. Look at how he behaves not what he says. Think about the loveliest man you know or have met – would they behave this way to their loved one? I normalised and minimised awful abuse for years. My only regret not leaving sooner due to the effects on my children (which I couldn’t see at the time) and on me. You sound unhappy – a good relationship should make you feel loved cherished and supported. That’s what you deserve! Leaving for many of us is a process and that’s ok – you have started. It’s also the most dangerous time keep your cards close to your chest as you work your way through this. There is always a way gazebo it’s a journey to a better life x*x

[Author]

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