Feel so let down

[Escapee]

Hi all,

I just need a rant.

Apart from this forum, WA have been no support at all. I appreciate that they are incredibly busy but from the outset the support has been poor. Firstly, my support worker was off and I was unable to access anyone else – this was the first 3 weeks of leaving when I was falling apart. I have tried to engage with anything available. I was supposed to hear from someone about making my home safer….. nothing. Any phone calls to make sure I was ok…..not one! Today was meant to be my first freedom programme meeting, I have been really anxious about this but I gathered up all my courage and went – no-one turned up. Thankfully the lady at the centre was lovely and sat talking with me and has offered her support.

I feel that the only thing I have gained from WA is further proof that I’m not important. This really sucks when I am trying so hard to stay positive.

[KIP.]

Hey there, women’s aid saved my life, they got me safe, helped me with a police marker on my home. However, I also felt that once I was ‘safe’ I was dropped. I now know that they don’t have the staff or the funding for ongoing support once we are ‘safe’ and I’ve raised the issue many times of a support group for the women that are ‘safe’ as I know how difficult those first few years are and even after that there needs to be ongoing support for however long it takes. I even suggested a buddy system like in AA. Survivors who are capable pairing up with a newly ‘safe’ victim. Was told they didn’t have the funding or remit to facilitate this. So I totally understand where you Re coming from and it’s not a criticism of women’s aid because they need to get the most from the limited funding they have. But I sympathise with you and I managed to crawl my way along with the help of this forum and building a support team around me. Hang in there. You are important x what I’ve also discovered is that when we are recovering everything is multiplied by a thousand. Our emotions. Little things now I take in my stride would have sunk me when I was in recovery so don’t be hard on yourself x

[Escapee]

Hi Kip,

Your buddy scheme would be an excellent idea. The lack of support after (and I’m assuming that if you don’t have children you go to the bottom of the pile) leaves us in real danger of just giving up and either going back or harming ourselves some other way. I wouldn’t feel so angry if it was just a one off but it has been consistently poor. It makes me wonder about the leadership. I don’t blame my support worker as I can imagine she has her hands full.

I’m sure there’d be so many women who have survived DA that would happily give some of their time to volunteer and support those who are finding their way.

You have done so brilliantly KIP and the support you give on here is so, so appreciated – thank you 💕

[KIP.]

Hang on in there. I was once helped by so many fabulous women on here. I’d also thought about using a spare bedroom of mine for someone fleeing domestic abuse. A refuge can be frightening and you can’t take your dog. There could be a register of volunteers with accommodation until the person fleeing gets the help they need. Again, there was a lack of funding and staff to facilitate this, yet think of the money and spaces saved in the refuge x one day when I’m fully on my feet I’m going to do something for ongoing support x

[Escapee]

You would be amazing at that!

I’ve thought about renting a larger property in the future and using it for single women fleeing abuse. One of the things I find the hardest is the isolation.
I’m sure if a woman was in a homely environment with other survivors, she would be more likely to stay away from her abuser and start healing faster and feel so much better supported.

I used my frustration to achieve something positive…..clean sheets for this girl tonight…. bliss 😊.

X*x

[HopeLifeJoy]

I’m sorry you felt let down, yes DA organisations prioritise safety above all else, I experienced (not with WA!) not even getting a support worker assigned to my case because I came across as ‘strong’ enough through the phone to fend for myself and was sent straight on to a social worker. I still was allowed to call them whilst in the relationship and they gave me the best advice to keep all my valuables safely hidden. It’s all about safety until you are out. Then a different support system is taking over. This comes in form of GP, counseling, refuge if you’re living there, Legal support, and other charities with more specific support such as Rape Crisis, Right of Women, Victim Support, it’s a matter of searching and calling a lot and finding out which one can help you the most.
If you are taken care of by a social worker, they will have plenty of information where to seek help, they get constant training and are networking with other organisations, a great source of support.

I want to tell you, you are important, you do matter and I find you one of the most positive person on here so keep on staying positive darling, it suits you well, even though it’s absolutely okay, essential even to rant and have bad days but you’ve got alot of life and enthousiasm in you, let it serve you further, keep on going as you do 💕

Buddy system sounds really helpful, reliable and strong, I know it works well for AA.
A sort of After Abuse Women’s Aid support system…like the forum Life After Abuse on here.
I would imagine myself assembling an army of strong intelligent hackers making life miserable for the abusers, until they stop harassing their family and signing full custody over to their wives. And getting a legal team in place. Helping solely survivors of DA. Navigating the legal system cleverly with the best possible outcome for the woman and their children. And getting the abuser exposed and charged. Ahh it’s good to dream isn’t it lol ☺️

Well done with the clean sheets, I love the fresh smell of a clean bed, so lovely 🌸🌺🌼

[Escapee]

Oh HLJ 💕

That was such a lovely thing to say to me……he was always telling me how negative I was and I could never understand why he said that as I always trying to see the upside of situations and people.

You’ve really lifted me up – thank you.

Having had a good rant I feel much better. If today hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have a supportive coffee booked in with a lovely, knowledgeable and wise lady next week. I wouldn’t have been fired up about how there needs more support. I wouldn’t have heard KIPs amazing ideas. And I wouldn’t have had such a lovely compliment from you.

Thank you ladies xxxx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Escapee, you did right to vent, that’s when our support network kicks in on here. You are very much an important person and you’re advice is always appreciated. We’re the only ones who get it, even on the days when we can’t find the words. We doubt ourselves and think everyone doesn’t care only because of who we lived with. I’m still very paranoid around people, think how can they possibly want me around them, then I think surely they’d say something, let me know in ways thay only abusive people do, and they don’t. It catches me so unaware that other people value my input, tell me I’ll be missed, find me kind and caring. You are that person too mo charaid
IWMB 💞💞

[HopeLifeJoy]

Anytime darling. Pleased you were able to make the most of even a bad day. That shows how amazingly positive you truly are, it’s a gift! Always rant away, good, bad, low or angry days, always let it out because your thoughts&emotions matter so much, you matter so much 😘🌸

[Escapee]

💕💕

[Hetty]

You’re right when organisations and people let us down it feeds into not feeling important or whatever other negative views we have had drummed into us. For me it is that I have to do everything alone. I’ve felt let down by friends and then it feeds into my trust issues. Keeps me thinking my only option is to stay put.
It’s so important to challenge this within ourselves. To keep reaching out. It’s important not just for us but for the women who come after us.
We are important and we are not alone. Ok so glad I found this site. So many strong and inspiring women, you included. ❤️

[Newbeginnings1234]

I feel the same way, for me the worst part of all of this has been the lack of support from people that are supposed to help. The first time I called the helpline they were really helpful and convinced me to leave, but since then it feels like I’m just wasting their time whenever I’ve called them. When I was in a refuge me and the woman I was living with would sit for hours trying to think of reasons why we weren’t getting the support that everyone else seemed to be getting, we thought we’d done something wrong and we’d just been driven to a refuge and left to deal with everything on our own. Then when I moved into my own flat I called my local support service 3 times in tears, begging them to help me, but they wouldn’t. They told me to call another service because it had been too long since I left my Husband so the abuse was historic (it had only been 5 months since I left), but when I called the other service all they did was push me into signing up for an expensive support group which doesn’t start until next year. I’ve spent over £1000 on the refuge and for the support group (as well as private counselling which I had to sort out myself), when everyone else seems to get much better support for free. It made me feel like people think I don’t deserve any support and that nobody cares about me. I know how horrible it feels to gather up the courage to ask for help but then not getting any x

[Cecile]

Sometimes these things are just down to sheer pot luck. Well as some one on here as just said to me – you are your own expert. You know all about your what you went through- that is powerful.
Sometimes you have to put a little ‘suitcase’ of help together for your self from different sources. If you can’t get it all from one place, then get lots of bits- from GPs, support workers, this forum, other forums, money advice charities (there are LOTS of those). Then you will find that your problems can be chiselled at until they are sorted.Advice from caring or community services. Take it step by step.

[Escapee]

It actually had a huge impact on me. Even though I found lots of positive things, I took a real turn to the dark side. I’m still struggling to pull myself back up. I thought about going back to the relationship just so I had somebody there but then I realised that wasn’t an option so then I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up – it all felt so hopeless 😔.

I agree Cecile – I think it is pot luck. Some seem to get a good support worker that isn’t swamped, whilst others seem to get no support once they are out. Ironically this is a really vunerable time when we could really do with a bit of hand holding.

I also received a letter this morning advising me that due to a lack of uptake the Freedom Programme wouldn’t be going ahead as planned……a bit late unfortunately.

I know I’ll pick myself up again but d**n did that set me back – KIP is definitely right about how stuff hits us harder during recovery.

Thank heavens for you ladies.

KIP – If you get to set up the buddy scheme, once I’m stronger I’ll be in. X*X

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