Tagged: Emotional abuse
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16th May 2024 at 1:05 pm #168633PinkPumpkinParticipant
Hi, I’ve been with my fiancé for (detail removed by moderator).
We share one child together -our daughter, (detail removed by moderator)
Ironically, I was in an abusive marriage before I got together with my current partner, and I felt that I had at last found a decent man who would treat me the way that I deserved to be treated.
I would say that the first year or so was perfect, but on reflection there were definitely red flags.
I had been repeatedly sexually assaulted in my previous marriage, and my current partner knew about this, I had told him right from the beginning that I would never sleep with a man just to make him happy ever again, but my partner would start crying if I didn’t want sex and make me feel really guilty, so in the end I went against what I vowed I wouldn’t do again, and would sleep with him to make him happy.
I also asked for a little break in the early days (as I was still dealing with my divorce) and he turned up at my house saying that so many women were begging him to sleep with them and that if I didn’t get back together with him then he would go with them (so inevitably I got back with him). He also threatened suicide, so that was another reason I got back with him.
He was also previously married (detail removed by moderator), and he cheated on her repeatedly throughout their marriage (detaul removed by moderator) he’s always been very open with me about it and has no remorse or regret. When I’ve asked him why he did it, he said that it’s because he didn’t love her anymore and she withheld affection from him.
As much as I’ve tried to understand how he could have been so unfaithful to her, it just doesn’t sit right with me at all, and I feel ashamed of the person he is for doing that to her. And of course, even worse, I am completely paranoid that he is going to do the same thing to me (if he hasn’t already), I hear the phrase “once a cheater always a cheater” and there must be some truth in that.
My gut feelings tell me that he’s already been unfaithful to me, as a few things has happened (detail removed by moderator) When I confronted him, he told me that it “wasn’t flirting” and he just “likes to make women feel good about themselves” 🤦♀️.
It absolutely broke my heart, especially as some of these messages he had sent whilst I was heavily pregnant, and another time when my (detail removed by moderator) and he should have been supporting me, but instead was flirting with other women.
Again, he didn’t apologise and made me feel that it was all me.
When I was pregnant with our daughter, he became very distant and very unsupportive, he told me that I was imagining it and it was my hormones. I couldn’t enjoy my pregnancy because of how unhappy and lonely I felt, quite often I would sleep on the sofa or cry myself to sleep. Again, he would deny that he was causing me to feel like this, and I felt like I was going mad.
After our baby was born, he was completely uninterested (which broke my heart even more), and after the first week, he was back going out 3 evenings a week doing social stuff.
He would rarely text me in the day to see if we were ok.
He would come home from work and not even hold her or even look at her, I felt like a single mum and even my older kids noticed his behaviour and were angry with him.
In the end I had to have a talk with him and call him out on his behaviour, and things improved a little, such as him texting me in the day to see if we were ok and making more fuss of our baby (but it felt un-genuine and it seemed that he was only doing it because I had told him to).
(detail removed by moderator)
He hasn’t really been a great dad to his other child, and in my opinion has neglected him.
I’ve basically had to teach him to be a better parent to his son, and if it wasn’t for me, his son would still have a lot of problems.
I’ve had to teach him manners, how to be gentle with animals, basic hygiene, etc.
(detail removed by moderator) since I’ve had our daughter, I have never felt so isolated or depressed. I love her more than anything and she brings me so much joy, but it honestly feels like it’s just me and her against the world.
My partner lives his life in a way that means I don’t have any time to myself or ever get a break.
He’s hardly ever got up in the night with her, even when I begged him to help me more because I could feel my mental health slipping, he would still do the bare minimum.
He wanted us to have a baby together, it’s not like I trapped him!.
I’ve only had time for myself a handful of times since she’s been born, and even when I do, he has a way of making me feel guilty for it.
I am so depressed and anxious right now, I don’t even recognise myself anymore, and when ever I try and speak to him about it he just ignores me, changes the subject, or laughs -my ex used to do the exact same thing!.
I feel like I’m going mad and it must all be in my head. I can feel myself distancing from him (as I’m coming to the realisation that he’s emotionally abusing me) and I’m worried that he’s going to cheat on me because his ex wife also became distant from him and that was one of his excuses to cheat.
He told me not to worry about going back to work after we had our daughter (detail removed by moderator), so I haven’t, because he’s earning good money, but now I’m completely financially dependent on him, and so are my older kids (their dad hardly gives me any money for them), so I feel like I’m now stuck.
We live in a rented house and my landlord is selling up, so we are trying to find somewhere else to live but its impossible to get a mortgage because of the amount of debt my partner is in, and it’s also proving hard to rent somewhere else as well because of his debt.
We have had threats from the baliffs because of his debt, and I’ve had to tell my kids to not answer the door to anyone. It’s embarrassing.
He’s bringing me down in so many ways.
I’ve made so many excuses for him, but he’s a (detail removed by moderator) man not a teenage boy.
I’ve basically had to beg for him to give me the bare minimum emotionally, I’ve had to tell him how to treat me and how to love me.
He’s so dismissive of my feelings, so ignorant!. Everything is a laugh and joke to him, even my mental health.
I told him a while ago that I was thinking of ending it, but he was completely unbothered, I really hoped that I would shock him into changing, but like I said, he doesn’t seem bothered.
I now feel so trapped, I have no job, no childcare, no money of my own, and soon -no home!.
My kids are the only the reason I get up in the mornings, if it wasn’t for them I would crumble (but at least I would be able to escape him).
For such a long time I thought it was all in my head, but now I’ve been reading into emotional abuse I can safely say I now think I could be a victim.
I also don’t feel happy leaving my baby with him (detail removed by moderator)
As you can imagine my anxiety is through the roof!!.
I just don’t no where to turn or what to do, I feel so lost!. -
17th May 2024 at 7:54 pm #168662LisaMain Moderator
Hi PinkPumpkin,
Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing with us. I am sorry to hear about what you have been through due to your partner, it sounds really distressing for you. I hope posting on here has helped to know you are not alone.
Have you had contact with your local domestic abuse service before? They can often offer ongoing emotional and practical support with exploring your options and creating a safety plan based on your circumstances and what you want to happen. If you feel able to contact your local service then you can find your local service details here.
You could also chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open every day including weekends). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here.
Keep posting to us when you can, there is support here for you.
Best wishes,
Lisa
Forum Moderator
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