27th July 2021 at 5:59 am #129298CatjamParticipant
I broke the no contact. Our eldest has an (detail removed by moderator). So I reached out to meet so we can try to be on the same page.
The first meeting sort of went ok, no drama I felt ok until he brought up the fact he had been seen out with someone new. They are just mates, (detail removed by moderator).
So of course this started eating away and I asked to meet again. He is begging me to try and work with him to get back together. He promised he would change and he never breaks his promises.
I asked him then to promise to tell me if he met someone he was interested in either romantically or sexually. He skirted round the question. I was so messed up then I ended up having sex with him. After he asked where we went now and I said I didn’t know as I didn’t want to give him false hope or lead him on. He then stated that he would no longer work on changing if there is no future for us.
I (detail removed by moderator) and asked him to make the promise about if he met someone he would tell me, suddenly he doesn’t understand what I am asking of him. I told him it didn’t matter and I got off the phone.
I feel so stupid for hoping that he would be willing and able to do what was needed to have me back. Plus I also have to deal with the fact he is probably seeing someone else. (detail removed by moderator) years with this man so I know when he is telling me a lie and yet I still long for him and want him to be in my life. Pretty pathetic really. But I haven’t felt this low or this worthless for such a long time.
27th July 2021 at 7:01 am #129299KIP.Participant
I’m so sorry this has happened. Any contact he will use to mess with your head and triangulation using another woman is a very common tactic. It’s going to stir feelings and he knows that. He knows exactly what he’s doing. Some abusers will desperately try to get us back solely to unceremoniously dump us as an act of revenge and to have the final control. He’s had 30 years to do the right thing. He simply doesn’t want to. My ex was seeing another woman while we were still together. Then the new clothes, aftershave, big hints and eventually Facebook. He will rub it in your face next and you need to be prepared to use that pain to push you out the door once and for all. He may be playing the victim but he is far from that. Zero contact x
27th July 2021 at 11:01 am #129312ISOPeaceParticipant
Catjam you are not stupid. I honestly believe that the ‘mistakes’ we make help us in some way. You’ve had a (horrible) taste of having him back in your life and how low he makes you feel, but you’re still away from him. I know it really hurts but every time you protect yourself from him you find more of your strength.
You’re not in the least bit pathetic. You’re still caught in the emotional turmoil of years of abuse. I’ve been reading Out of the Fog by Dana Morningstar, which I would recommend. She talks about the difference between love and a love addiction. We don’t love our abusers, but we feel an intense feeling like love that is actually a love addiction – it’s not healthy of course, like any addiction. It takes time to break an addiction and it really helps to be kind to yourself about it. I’ve heard it said that addiction starts and ends with pain. You are drawn to him because of the pain of the trauma he’s caused, you hope for the high that the addiction brings, but whether you get the high or not, it always follows with the low.
Like KIP says, he will use any contact with you to keep you addicted to him, whether that’s through love bombing or cruelty or even seemingly neutral behaviour. That’s why no contact is so important or at the very least absolute minimum and distance contact that is all on your terms.
I know it feel horrible, but you are doing really well and you are stronger than you know. Sending lots of love xxxx
28th July 2021 at 5:56 am #129352CatjamParticipant
Thanks, I have downloaded the book you suggested and will read it when my head doesn’t hurt so much. I went to a support group yesterday and they were so lovely. My daughter came too as she has just been diagnosed with EUBPD. Emotional unstable personality disorder. She got some amazing advice. Unfortunately she is in one of her angry moods which makes her extremely difficult to deal with.
It’s all just so overwhelming
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