Feel so stupid

[Sci-figirl]

Within months of him moving in, I realised he was abusive. I knew. I broke up with him. But somehow, he found his way back and since then i have somehow convinced myself that its me. Now I’m years down the line. With a man who is an alcoholic, who drinks all night and lies in bed all day. Who lives off me. Who spends all his money on weed and beer and then takes more off me when he’s got none left. Who leaves me alone to deal with my (detail removed by moderator) children. I pay for everything. I do everything. I have been suicidal. And all the time , feeling like its me that’s the problem. Now the kids are regularly at school full time, and I’ve been sitting alone most of the day. So I decided to do something for me. To take care of me. Eating healthy, exercising, gardening and hobbies. More importantly, I’ve joined a group for women who feel isolated and lonely and also started counselling. His reaction has been terrible. Every day screaming at me for various reasons. I’m having an affair, not spending enough time with him…..you name it. My counsellor asked me when my depression started and I realised it was when he moved here. And speaking to the women at group (many of who have suffered abuse) this week has suddenly made me realise…..I had FORGOTTEN that he is an abuser!!! How does that happen?? How stupid does a person have to be to unrealise something that was so d**n clear?!? I feel like such an absolute idiot. He constantly tells me I’m naïve. Obviously I am!

[Watersprite]

Hey sci-fi girl you are not stupid you are a brave kind caring hard working person and mother. Sadly he has trained you to think badly of himself and it is understandable your MH has declined with him dragging you down all the time. We normalise abuse to survive it we end up knowing nothing else. It’s a normal response to abuse. I’m pleased you have support this realisation is positive as well as painful it allows you to decide your next steps when you are ready. Be gentle and kind to yourself x

[Watersprite]

Sorry that should have read trained you to think badly of yourself!!! You deserve better x

[Bananaboat]

Don’t feel stupid, they are masters at getting what they want. Think of it like Chinese water torture, drop by drop they take more and more away from us, subtlety so we don’t notice or we notice but don’t leave. As we’ve forgiven/accepted that bad behaviour it makes it harder to challenge the next one, then throw on top the gaslighting and making us feel like we’re to blame and boom, you find yourself where you are today.

But it doesn’t mean it’s right or that you’re forced to continue, it’s your life and you can make changes. He won’t like it as they are parasites, feeding off us, but ask yourself do you still want to be living like this in 12 months, 5 years, 10 years time? He won’t change for the better, you’ll just lose yourself even more if you stay x

[Anonymous]

My sympathies to you I was with an alcoholic who was also abusive and was a financial drain to me , so I understand your frustration. You are dealing with various issues, not only the alcoholism, but the fact you are enabling him I presume in his addiction, his abusing you , and controlling you . You are not stupid at all , I done this myself for some years , always feeling sorry for him mainly and I went back too many times . You cannot have a relationship with any kind of person who has addiction problems, they never take any responsibility, and they just use people for anything they need , it’s never a fulfilling relationship, they will never be there for you when you need them , they are very needy , want constant attention, I’ve said in other posts , my feeling is they hate themselves so much & feel inadequate in themselves that they deflect all of this onto us , so we become dependent on them . Tbh I would try and get out of this relationship with this drunk as all it will do is drag you down , from what I can see you are doing a great job and you are prioritising yourself, they hate that ! He has his own issues he needs to deal with and that is not your problem. My ex spent most of his time drunk , passing out , sleeping, abusing me , controlling, accusing me of cheating. The drink causes them all mental health issues, paranoia being one of them . No life for you hun xx

[gettingtired]

This sounds familiar, mine is an alcoholic (I think, well he drinks almost every day) but is in denial. He also uses drugs and is a financial drain on me and his family. I’m even starting to think he has been lying to us all at times asking both me and his family for money at the same time so that he can have more. He’s terrible at managing money, doesn’t work and anything he does get just gets wasted on drink/drugs/things he needs. But then I feel bad if he does pay for something for me, even something very small! And I still feel sorry for him regarding the addictions even though I know I shouldn’t enable him or feel responsible. I guess it’s bad enough being with an alcoholic but the abuse just makes everything so much worse x

[Bananaboat]

This was my world too. These men are so similar xx

[Sci-figirl]

Thanks everyone. Its so nice to be heard and understood. My world is so isolated these days. Its so difficult to see the truth. After weeks of hell, he ground me down and so I didn’t go to my group today. He slept all afternoon (presumably because he knew i was home) and has been delightful this evening. Chatty and helpful….and cuddling me! The man barely comes near me, let alone come to me for affection! And despite it making my skin crawl, I say nothing. It’s so confusing. I’m worried that after a few days I’ll forget these horrible times. How do i hold onto them?

[Bananaboat]

Keep a journal, keep a record of how you felt, could be on your phone or email yourself, or use this forum to post. Then when you feel yourself forgetting, read your journal. Don’t beat yourself up though, have you read about cognitive dissonance? x

[Anonymous]

His happy as he ruined it for you , you didn’t go to the group session as you planned , mission accomplished for him ! You don’t forget hun , you go cold as I did , distant , it’s always there at the back of your mind , slept all day as he was wasted ? So wide awake now , even though your left to do everything during the day on your own . Sounds all too similar, he probably is borrowing from everyone, can’t pay anyone back and has no intention of doing so . This is not a relationship for you , and not an equal relationship in any way . They make you feel guilty that’s how I was , but does he feel guilty asking you for money ? Does he feel guilty for sleeping all day or being horrible to you ? Does he feel guilty that you and everyone else is keeping him ? NO !

[Author]

Posts