Feel so weak

[fizzylem]

Just feel so weak right now, I’m so over ready to move out of this temp accomodation and into our new home and its happening soon, in weeks, but my gut feeling is he is going to make things difficult, there will be no smooth transition and it will mean a fight, when I only have the energy for putting one foot forwards and that’s it.

Not only is he no support he makes life so very hard in every way. I’ve got no fight left. Have even considered handing her over to him to stop the fight as I’ve been feeling desperate again which I think is mad one minute and not right for her – then I think or is it? Would it be best to remove her from the middle? If he wont then should I? (Detail removed by moderator).

I know it’s all down to me to gather myself and the evidence and although I know I can prove he has lied and is abusive, I feel I just dont have it in me, physically or emotionally, like I’ve nurnt out before the finishing line. This is the only thing he holds over me now, if we can move and get away I know we’ll be free – this power he has over me will no longer be, which is why I know he won’t just let us simply go. Even though I will support her seeing him. He says he doesnt trust I will, and yet no where in our history does this show this; its him that has proved time and time again he cant be trusted – never me. I hate him and I dont want to feel this way anymore. FL.x

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi there FL,

You have so much on your plate right now but please don’t give up – for yourself and for your daughter. Keep fighting, you can do this. Every single babystep is huge and you can do this. You wrote it yourself; it’s you who can be trusted.

It’s good to read you can prove the lies and abuse but I understand the exhaustion you are explaining, so I’m going to steal the advice the other ladies on here often give and that is to give yourself some selfcare and selflove, do something nice and relaxing for yourself. Do you have a bath? Maybe take a nice long bath and tell yourself while your bathing you will relax, and then you will spend x amount of time on writing down/gathering evidence.

When it comes to your daughter, it sounds like you have really thought about what would be best for her, and sweetheart it doesn’t sound like she’d be better off with her dad than with her mum. It sounds like you are an amazing mum to consider the different scenarios and more importantly you are so aware of her needs! Sure, dad might buy her a present and make her laugh, but there’s so much more to being a good parent. Do you have anyone helping you with this, to assist you? WA? It’s a lot happening already, but in reading between the lines it doesn’t sound like you really want to give up the fight, just that you need a little hand like we all do 🙂

[diymum@1]

I think we all go through so much emotionally and the stress is so tiring. I get physical pains now with stress – I can hardly get out of bed sometimes. It could be a phase of emotions surfacing -I know I’ve gone through times when I’ve wanted to run away from this situation, to thinking I wish something drastic would happen to make him stop this, to fear and horrible anxiety and then fear to courage. The whole mix of all emotions you can think off -nightmares. It’s not an option for you to send her to her dad’s because you’d loose her for good. Get good rest and when your ready tackle this bit by bit were right be hand you xx 💕 💕 love diymum 💪

[fizzylem]

Yes there is that possibilty DM, if it wasnt handled in the best way, and I think I can assume he would handle things terribly with her his end, use it for his case against me with her and others. Like you say I’m just going through the roller coaster of emotions and feeling desperate and wanting something drastic to occur to change it. I need to ride this out hey xx

[fizzylem]

Thanks for your response AS; yes I want her to be with me and I know this is best because I am the much better parent, or could be if we get gone and all I have to do is handovers as everything else has been agreed. Her behaviour can be challenging, she’s an angry kid at times and now in adolescence as well, its no fun at times lol, but i know this would make her vulnerable with him, I struggle with this sometimes, (Detail removed by moderator).
Hot bath sounds good, yes thinking I’ll grab one in a bit. I’m just so scared and fed up of going over and over it all in my mind, like us all hey. Problem is I only seem to have enough energy for one focus at a time, been foucsing on health, I dont seem to be able to do this and pick up the case as well. I dont know what the answer is here. Yes, guess I need help but I dont know what kind of help xx

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Fizzylem, darling, I can hear your exhaustion which is very understandable, you’ve put so much effort in organising a new life, soon a new home, you’ve just reached a nice milestone here. Take it in for a second, take a break. Think of what would relax you the most? Treat yourself.

As AlwaysSorry said, you are an incredible mother willing to weight the best possible options for your daughter, this shows you are definitely best suited for her and you are the one in the right to collect that beautiful life that lies ahead of you and your daughter. Can you visualise your lives, after the courts, settled in your new home, simply enjoying a summer evening?

With the legal proceedings, can someone, family, friends help you on top of the help from WA and DA professionals. Surround yourself with as much support as possible, share the work. Let someone gather the evidences, let another write a summary, delegate tasks, work all-together. Team-work.

And the last advice, the most important; stop any direct contact with your ex. The only contact goes via your laywer or and a person you fully trust. This will give you the most rest of all. No more poison and anxiety coming from him directly. If he wants to abuse you he has now an extra barrier to go through. This will teach him that you are protecting yourself and are less easy to access therefore to control and manipulate to his will.

You will be ok, take lots of rest, breathe in and out, you are doing really really well, sending you a big hug 💛💕

[fizzylem]

Thanks HLJ, thanks all you lovely ladies. OK, what I’m taking away is I’m exhausted, yes I am, have had a headache all afternoon. I just need to have a time out hey and relax. Going in the bath now, got yoga and counselling tomorrow. I did have a friend say she would help me prepare, I feel like I cant really take her up on it but now thinking that I probs just need to get over that and arrange to go round. Thanks again, cant tell you how much better I’m feeling now, feeling supported and got my rational back x*x

[diymum@1]

your going to be totally exhausted at times this is a tough situation, but you will alos have strong days , build up to that by being kind to yourself. just think of how settled your going to be really soon. hold those hopes keep them close i know you can do this and yes you are the better parent 100% xx much love diymum

[AlwaysSorry]

You absolutely can take your friend up on the offer to help 🙂 Your friend will probably feel great that you let her help you 🙂

Enjoy the bath sweetheart

[Iwantmeback]

Hi fizzy, I’m so sad to hear you’re struggling, no wonder you’re exhausted. Dealing with this on my own is bad enough, having to think of and worry my child’s needs were being seen to as well, it’s no wonder you’re at breaking point💞 remember, we need to put on our oxygen mask first in order to help those we love.
I second enjoy your bath.
IWMB 💞💞

[fizzylem]

Thanks IWMB, guess court is the last resort for me, I dont want any restrictions placed on us, (detail removed by moderator). Think I need to have more faith in myself and my truth, but when its all done, Ive lost already because there will be an order which I have been trying to avoid, but, if this is to be then I will fight and use this as an opportunity to get the protections we both need. (Detail removed by moderator).

Hope you’re ok flower and taking steps x

[fizzylem]

Dont know if any of you will get this, but just wanted to say, that I really cant thank you enough for being you – all of you. I have been toying with sending her to dad’s for some weeks, and it has driven me crazy at times, it felt shameful to even think this.

You made it ok for me to think this, to express it, get help with it, work it through and thus let go of it. I feel ok today, can see that I need to carry on with the fight with the hope we will be free of this at some point. Of course it is ok to consider this as an option, he’s her dad and equally responsible for her, why should it all fall to me? Her behaviour can also be very challenging and wearing.

I do feel happier in my decison to move forwards together now though. I really needed to explore this as an option. I will never judge any woman that makes this hard decision, I get it, she will only ever have my compassion. Love to you all x*x

[diymum@1]

to feel so desperate when your child becomes very difficult to manage and also very triggering in their behaviour the options can feel very stark. to give her to her dad would have been a mistake – in normal circumstances no – but he would have turned her against you – he would have used her against you. youve made the right decision loosing a child in this way is worse than a death. it hurts really bad far worse than even this xxxx keep forging ahead you are doing great xx amazing 🙂 much love diy mum x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi all, I think by going through this, it really makes us stand up, take stock and actually become a grown-up. I always knew age wise I was a grown-up, but now by talking with everyone on here, learning to stand back at times and jump right in at others, this stage in my life has made me realise I’m actually a proper grown up, (Detail removed by moderator) and I now see the world differently. Knowledge truly is power. I’m still compassionate but definately less tolerant of bad behaviour, see red flags as clear as day too. Maybe it’s because I’ve made the decision to leave, am in the process of moving my things out. Still have to meet with new lawyer but once that’s done, that will be me! I have my plan in place and I’m ticking things off as I do them. It’s definately a feeling of coming of age, whatever that’s supposed to mean, but that’s how I’m feeling.
Positive day today💪
IWMB 💞💞

[Iwantmeback]

Remember, the steps we take are what is taking us to our destination, (just might not be the way you wanted to travel).

[diymum@1]

so ive been reading again and at the end of my book there are some recommendations – im going to order two of them on my quest!! i thought these might help fizzy 🙂

how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish this one comes highly recommended.

No more misbehaviour -Michele Borba; this book is very practical and down to earth for a huge range of behaviour problems.an excellent choice for mothers who have been abused and are struggling with the ways in which their children are acting out.

reviving ophelia – saving the selves of adult girls – mary pipher

how to mother a successful daughter -by nicky marone

The explosive child – by ross greene

these are some of the books lundy bancroft recommends god ive never been such a book worm in all my life xx

dont think i will get through all of these lol

much love diymum

[fizzylem]

You monkey DM! They read as interesting titles for sure – will have a look at them x

IWMB, youth is a wonderful time for sure but I wouldnt trade it with being here now and the wisdom learned – however south other things are going! Lol. So excited for you, almost there! It will be ok x

[diymum@1]

ive ordered the explosive child i nearly wrote the exploding child – exploding mum i am at times 🙂 ! but not very often xx im going to change my name to monkey mum 🙂 hope your better today and had a better day xx

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