Feel sorry for him

[Weemebreeze]

Hi Everyone,

Despite a really, really difficult time, Im free from my abuser and have no desire at all to go back to him after a violent physical and emotionally abusive relationship. I feel such relief and I’m gradually building myself back up again. My issue is that I feel really sorry for him and I feel guilty for “moving on”. I know that sounds bizarre after all he subjected me to and just wondered what you guys thought – is it weird that I feel that way? He lost his mum recently, has little friends and seems to be behaving in odd ways (according to neighbours). We were supposed to be getting married and had started to plan a life together when the abuse started. I just feel really bad that he’s spoiled everything and ruined a good thing and feel bad that he might not be coping. I have no contact with him so it’s not him making me feel this way, it’s just me bringing it on myself and I’ve no idea why. Any thoughts welcome 😊

[HunkyDory]

Hi there, yes occasionally I feel the same. Because after we split he went to live in another country where I know life is extremely hard. But my mantra is, it was his choice to abuse me, and he left me with no choice but to end the relationship. Well done getting out and always remember none of it is your fault but down to his own actions xx

[Weemebreeze]

Thank you very much for your reply. You’re 100% right – that’s exactly how it is, he had a choice. I need to remember that. Thank you again

[KIP.]

He’s counting on you feeling sorry for him. It’s probably how he’s managed to keep you in an abusive relationship for so long. You owe him nothing x

[Weemebreeze]

Thank you very much – you’re completely spot on. I welled up reading your note because it was so accurate – after the honeymoon phase it was sob story after sob story and I genuinely spent majority of my time with him feeling sorry for him, it was programmed into me. Thank you again, I really appreciate your comments xx

[Auriel]

Hunkydory it is normal to feel guilty because it’s us who were the good people in the relationship I used to feel guilt and pity all the time with people but they used it against me so yeah it’s natural to have concern for people but just have it at a good distance , he maybe behaving odd but he was behaving odd towards you in the relationship after the solidity of the relationship was established abuse and negative mate retaining tactics and abusing someone is just weird anyway also I’m glad your out of it 💗💗💗

[Weemebreeze]

Thank you very much – this is so true. He was behaving odd for a long time, nothing new there. I’m just glad he’s not my problem anymore. Thank you again for taking the time to reply xx

[Auriel]

I’m glad he’s not your problem anymore either reading the stories of survivors that have got out of relationship “ prison’ might encourage others to do so as well , I hope your safe and getting any help you need for the traumas you may have been left with 💗💗💗

[Weemebreeze]

Thank you 💕 – I am safe now. I didn’t fully realise how unsafe it was for me when I was with him or the impact it was having on me. It’s only now with some fresh air that I can see how truly toxic it was and how safety is vital. Totally agree – if others can be encouraged to leave from reading stories like this I would happily write for hours on here if it helped anyone Xx

[Auriel]

Weemebreeze that’s so sweet and yeah I get the not knowing how bad things are until you get out your whole vibe and energy changes and then you can see from an outsider perspective just how wrong it all was

[ladiesand gentlemen]

This is how they keep control, make us feel sorry for them !!!
Mine is exactly the same, only now I do not go to that place I used to go and forgive and forget.
I have managed(taken me years)to remove myself(in my head)and I have (detail removed by moderator), apart from chores.
You should be VERY proud of yourself for finally being free, you will in time get stronger and rebuild your life the way YOU want it to be.
Stay safe and take care x*x

[Weemebreeze]

It’s classic textbook manipulation, isn’t it. Making us feel sorry for them. Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it. I hope you’re doing ok and (detail removed by moderator) has helped a bit. Sending a hug xx

[ladiesand gentlemen]

Thank you SO much Weemebreeze
It has helped a great deal (detail removed by moderator), its hard being in one room but I have time to relax and think. I was being ignored most of the time downstairs anyway !!!
We WILL all be okay, strong women reach out in the end
Best of everything for the future
Stay safe x*x

[Weemebreeze]

That sounds really hard being confined to one room. It sounds like you’ve already made a lot of progress to be able to relax a bit – that can’t have been easy. Sending you lots of strength and luck and keep going ❤️

[ladiesand gentlemen]

You too, we have more strength then we realise
Keep going you WILL get there
Take it easy on yourself
Stay safe x*x

[Eggshells]

You really don’t need to feel sorry for him. He’ll have enough self pity to fill him up, he doesn’t need yours too.

I can’t imagine he’ll be sitting around feeling sorry for you and everything he did to you.

He chose you because you were kind and empathic and he used that against you. Try to save your kindness for yourself, you deserve it. xx

[Weemebreeze]

This is so so so true – thank you, it really helps to see this written down by someone other than me as it reminds me how true it is. He never really apologised – maybe a few times over the years but never with any sincerity. Even on the floor with blood running down my face and he just stood there smirking. You’re right – I’ll save my kindness. Thanks again xx

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