Feeling a bit lost

[marmaladechamp]

Hi all,

So I was planning on leaving my partner in secret until he found out. Fast forward to him breaking down and then a huge chat about our relationship and a promise from him that he’d get help and would change. I thought I was completely happy with the decision but after a few days i’m feeling a bit lost to be honest.

He wants us to plow ahead with planning our wedding which is next year but there’s something that just doesn’t feel right. There is a real urge from him to get some more things sorted out like the guest list and invitations and i’m just not feeling 100% about it.

I think I did feel happy about our resolution to try and make it work but although he has an appointment with his dr this week to talk about treatment he is being very loving and helpful this week, saying that it’s been x amount of days since we’ve had an argument and therefore things are good. They aren’t good. I can’t just forget what’s happened.

I just feel a bit lost right now.

[Flowerchild]

Hmm, he’s rushing you and you’re not comfortable. Before you know it, the line will be that he doesn’t need help because everything’s fine, won’t it?

He’s promised to seek help. Good. You could tell him you’ll wait and see how that goes before committing further to wedding plans, if that feels safe to do. It could easily be him testing you boundaries to see how far he can push you to conform to his will. What am I saying – he’s clearly pushing at boundaries!

A few days is nothing, is it? Please don’t be pushed or rushed into committing to anything wedding related, darling. And do be super careful about contraception in this little ‘try again’ space because that’s the oldest trap in the abusers’ handbook they all seem to have studied at University of Abuse!

It’s your whole future at stake here, lovely.

Flower x

[gladtobefree]

The advice from Flowerchild is very accurate.

I was here many times. Told that he needed help and he felt like a weight had been lifted now that we had spoken about things. It was all just part of his game. When I revealed his behaviour he just switched it to me helping him with his problems. He told me he couldn’t have children and he knew I wasn’t medically in a position to fall pregnant due to previous pregnancies and yet here I am with my baby and we are not together. As soon as he had the firm hold of me Mothering his child, he pounced at the vulnerability and became someone much worse. I wouldn’t be without my baby but he uses her as a way to carry on control. It has taken me a while to put my foot down and set firm boundaries which have now led to no contact.
I always felt like something wasn’t right and I think you should always trust your gut instinct xx

[BeautyMarked]

Listen to what your body is saying to you. Trust yourself and your intuition. Flower gives such good advice and I believe she’s absolutely right. He’s testing and rushing you is not a good sign. I don’t know how safe you feel, but he needs to prove he’s serious because at the moment the warning signs are all there. You are talking about a wedding, a lifetime of commitment and I just hope it’s not going to amount to a lifetime of abuse. These people are so sickening and cunning. If you feel something is not right, please listen to yourself. It’s so hard to walk away. It’s easier for people like us to trust and believe especially when you’ve got the level of commitment that you have. Please keep yourself safe x

[Tiffany]

I could almost be reading my own story here. I was engaged to my abuser and left part way through wedding planning. My abuser basically thought that my getting engaged to him meant that he owned me and the abuse definitely increased after that. I was definitely less clued in than you are. I didn’t even realize it was abuse until after I left. I blamed everything on his mental health problems.

I did realise that I was unhappy, and that it was up to him to fix things, not me. We had a probably very similar conversation to the one you describe having with your abuser. He promised to change. And initially he did ok. But he didn’t seek professional help and instead continued abusinge in more subtle ways.

I would start by setting a a date before which you absolutely will not talk about the wedding. Say a month or two. During this time you will make no plans, spend no money and send no invites. But you also end all conversations trying to persuade you to do anything to do with the wedding with – we’ll discuss this in September. It stops you getting sucked in and gives you a little breathing space
And let’s you see (in as safe a way as is possible with an abuser) whether he has any respect for your boundaries.

Mine had none, and I left him before the end of my alotted time period. This time I didn’t let him know anything until I was safe in my own house away from him. It was tough, but easier than a divorce. Remember it’s ok to make the choices that make you happy. I have never regretted walking away from my wedding.

[AlwaysSorry]

You are under no obligation to forget what happened. You are under no obligation to forgive what happened. You have every right to feel hurt about what he did no matter what promises he has made to “make up for it”. Actions speak louder than words and so far, words are all he has given you. It doesn’t matter how many days it’s been since an argument. A good relationship is much more than going x amount of days without arguing.

Please listen to the advice the ladies above have given. There is no need to rush anything and he is likely pushing for this to get a commitment out of you, but you don’t have to give him that. If he is genuine about wanting to change his abusive behaviour, his actions will show it. Making an appointment with a GP is perhaps a first step, but he hasn’t followed through with the appointment yet, he hasn’t made any follow-up appointments, you don’t need a GP to start a perpetrator programme, you can self-refer, it doesn’t sound like he has done any of that yet. It’s about the actions taken, not the words saying what he will do – he needs to actually have done them.

Have you read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft? I think it could be helpful to you, also so you know what to look out for should he go on one of these perpetrator programmes x

[marmaladechamp]

Thank you everyone. It’s so unbelievably helpful to have people understand exactly what you’re going through.

Well the arguments started back up again; my driving was criticised, I didn’t order him the right drink, made the dinner reservation late so he felt rushed. Every single time I get my hopes up and every single time he trashes them. After something like 5 arguments over trivial things in one day he then started on about how betrayed he feels that I was thinking of leaving him. Went on and on about how he couldn’t be around my family or friends knowing that they knew what was happening. Everything should be kept private. That means I’m not allowed to discuss our relationship with anyone other than him. He even goes so far as to make sure all the windows are closed during an argument. I actually feel like laughing sometimes because it’s so predictable.

I met with my WA Support Worker yesterday for the first time and she carried out a risk assessment. It was harrowing the results and the behaviour towards me. She has even suggested that I be referred onto receive support regarding what she believes is rape. What the hell is going on. How can I get through this?

He’s very paranoid and will text me multiple times a day and get antsy if I don’t reply, all because he claims he is scared of losing me.

I NEED to leave.

[Tiffany]

Oh god, you really are dating my ex. He was also betrayed by the fact that I talked about him with other people. I was basically meant to keep everything about my life a secret from all my friends and family. At least he has shown his true colours quickly so you can just keep working on your escape plan.

I would highly recommend an escape bag ready packed incase you end up needing to do a runner. I didn’t need mine, but it made me feel safer while I planned my exit strategy. (Let’s not talk about the total cognitive dissonance where I didn’t know I was being abused, yet had an escape bag). Basically you want some cash, a phone charger, maybe a change of clothes, and any important documents. If you have a car then maybe keep it there. Alternatively leave it somewhere you can grab on the way out of the house, or at a friend’s.

Keep focused on getting out and not letting your plans slip to your abuser. Don’t worry about getting all the small stuff lined up. Just get a place to live and get out. Everything else can be sorted afterwards.

[Author]

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