This topic contains 20 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  [email protected] 2 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #72050
     gladtobefree 
    Participant

    Hi
    I’ve posted on here before. In short, my ex left when our daughter was weeks old. He has been a text book n********t ever since. All the signs and typical behaviour. I feel angry and I’m not sure who at the most. He has said (detail removed by Moderator), this hasn’t been denied by me but I won’t allow it unsupervised for several reasons. He made me so anxious that I actually would pester him to make an effort for fear of (detail removed by Moderator) saying I alienated him. So he has chose to see very very little of our daughter in months yet says he wants to take her out and have her on his own. I feel that I’m being reasonable by saying he needs to build a bond first and would like it of he considered her feelings over his own as she doesn’t know him. He replies along the lines of well I’m her Dad so she will want to spend time with me (detail removed by Moderator). I feel like it’s so unfair that I know he doesn’t care for her and would upset her to get his own way. (detail removed by Moderator)

  • #72053
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi there, keep on as to why you want supervised access. For all that matters this man is a stranger to your child. He may be her birth father but has had no input into her life until now. He’s doing what’s best for him, not the child. The court would decide what’s best for the child, but he’s delusional if he thinks it’s all going to go his way. It may begin with supervised access but you know what you have to do to keep your child protected, emotionally more so than physically. Insist on supervised access,I’ve read many women having a contact book, or third party input. Do what’s right fir your child and invariably yourself. We know these men will do anything to hurt you and continue even years down the line. I found when my ex was in a relationship, I was basically left alone. When he wasnt, that’s when he started using the kids needs to get to me more. Good luck.
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #72054
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    (detail removed by Moderator). You will need to prove his abuse. Have you kept a journal? It might be best to write everything down, all of your experiences. Have other people witnessed hus behaviour? They could put something in writing. GP can put your thoughts and experience (detail removed by Moderator). There’s ways to make sure contact is safe that is paramount for your little one. I’ve been through this, get yourself prepared and if you have to explain to the professionals then make sure your up to speed on the dynamics of dv. These men poison and undermine the mother child relationship unfortunately xx

    • #72057
       gladtobefree 
      Participant

      Thank you
      He is very delusional and so are his family. It’s like a nest or n********ts. He goes months without seeing her and blames me saying we argue, just excuses but he really believes that he is superior over anything and what he wants is what matters. I understand the girlfriend thing as I’m pretty sure he will be exactly the same. He took no time in chasing a new victim. I’ve allowed his access at my home and said it should be a starting point to build a bond. I’ve installed cameras so everything is recording. I didn’t want to even allow him here but fear of alienating him (detail removed by Moderator) taking it the wrong way scared me so much that I felt like I had to keep on a better side of him. When my anxiety is at a high then I panic xx

    • #72058
       gladtobefree 
      Participant

      I have been granted legal aid and have been seeking advice about domestic abuse. I do have evidence of his behaviour but the fact it’s more mental abuse is what I find will be harder (detail removed by Moderator). I’m hoping they have a good idea of this type of thing as he pretends to ‘ve very sensistive and kind. My messages do show different though. It’s sad that the truth is that he has been brought up to believe that it’s normal behaviour and his Mum is clear as day the reason why. They have no empathy for anyone and always play the victim. He made his wife before meinfertile due to cheating yet his family still hate her and say it’s lies. They are all ridiculous. Sending Xmas cards saying to our baby and then her name but refuse to put my surname as it’s double barrelled with both xx

    • #72093
       Iwantmeback 
      Participant

      Mental abuse is looked on more favourably now, the system is hearing from more and more people what and how these people treat us, so they know we’re not making things up, we’re not crazy, no matter how much our abuser tries to make us out to be.
      Keep imagining that garden, that home with your children,away from him. I’m a great believer in Laws of Attraction. Think it, see it, believe it, it will happen. It’s happened too often in my life to be coincidental.
      Take care, take strength from all of us, you can do this💜💪
      IWMB #21stcenturysuffragettes

  • #72066
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Keep a detailed journal of all the dates and times and offers you’ve made for contact. Abusers are liars so only act on what is put in front of you. Allowing him near you will continue to drain your mental health so any contact should be through a third party. Otherwise he will just continue to abuse you through access. Trust Your gut. Get some good legal advice and back up from your local women’s aid. I’ve recently discovered my ex was n**********c. It’s good to watch some YouTube videos on how to deal with them. When you try to discredit him he will do everything to make you look like the bad one.

  • #72068
     Flowerchild 
    Participant

    I wouldn’t have him come to where you live, darling. That gives him contact with you, doesn’t it?

    Why not see whether (detail removed by Moderator)suggest a contact centre where his visits can be supervised by trained neutral observers and you can drop your child off and collect her without encountering him at all? It’s what these places are for.

    He imagines he’s going to be the one to dictate terms but he has no idea!

    Flower x

  • #72078
     gladtobefree 
    Participant

    Thank You everyone.
    I feel stupid for suggesting he come and visit here but I felt so anxious at the time due to the whole alienation thing that I panicked and wanted to makenit clear I was not trying to make things difficult. I feel like I can not back out of it now and that’s why I installed a camera. On the last visit he was overly trying to be nice with the occasional dig but I didn’t bite. I feel suffocated by it all. It’s so sad because I’m a really good Mum and live my whole life for my children. He is the complete opposite and beloved his own ridiculous ideas. I am hoping with every part of me that the professionals (detail removed by Moderator), see what he is. Surely my children and me shouldn’t have to live like this all because his name is on a piece of paper xx

  • #72079
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Think about how it looks when you allow him near you and your child. It’s perfect ammunition for him to say if he was abusive and dangerous then why would you allow him near you and the child. In your home. Offering supervised visits at a child supervised centre is a good place to start. The very first time he shows any sign of abuse to you or your child is your excuse to stop visitation and get a court order. When he visits is all his attention on his child or is he using it as a means of control and abuse, even if it’s subtle you do not have to accept it.

    • #72081
       gladtobefree 
      Participant

      How would I go about that? I was told that can only be arranged by court. I never quite know what to do for the best. I am frightened that if I deny access then it will go against me. I live on fear of being without my baby and I’m aware that’s his ammo but it’s hard to detach from it xx

  • #72083
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    You can contact the centre directly, you would pay a small fee for this initially. He will probably refuse as this is you taking control back and he won’t have direct means to get to you face to face. He will use other tactics so document and record all of it. A court order is set in stone so he has to follow it. If he’s dosent contact stops and that’s when they come down on him. His inconsistencey looks really bad xx there are ways round this he will inevitably trip himself up big time xx play the long game, arm yourself with knowledge and don’t be scared to act xx the family court without a lawyer is also a good source xx 💕 💕 DIY ✌

  • #72084
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    Which is a book ☺lol

  • #72085
     gladtobefree 
    Participant

    I really appreciate your help. The one problem I do have is that a contact centre will be complete strangers to my baby. I will find tgat hard as she really only knows me and my ex is also a stranger to her. He has done more than enough for me to prove my case by I know he is planning on throwing mud and this used to frighten me. He used to push my buttons and when I would react he said I was a violent abuser. I know I’m not and was protecting my own but it’s proving that. I had some advice on this and was told clearly that it’s basically old news and I was reacting not acting as such. Even his presence makes me feel angered and sick xx

  • #72086
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    The staff where I went to were so lovely, lots of them were training to be social workers lawyers etc. They work closely linked with the lawyers,they also have strict child protection. It’s a though but for me the experience was a good one. It’s scarey but it will be fine ☺the fear off the unknown is awful. Don’t let them mimimise how you feel and what you’ve been through. Thus is a big step, but as it says above I wouldn’t have him in the house. It will prolong matters and cause more damage to you and your child xx 💕 💕 DIY

  • #72087
     gladtobefree 
    Participant

    I keep ‘re writing a text to let him know that Indont want access here to carry on but have no idea what to say. He is the most difficult person I’ve ever met. I have to try and discuss matters with him without mentioning issues because they are about him and he goes nuts if you make any critism at all, even if it’s hard facts. I can’t wait for the day that I feel free and me and my children can live a happy normal life xx

  • #72088
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    I agree with both of the ladies regarding letting him into your home. In his eyes he sees it as you’re okay with him, not frightened of him, yet we all know we put ourselves in dangerous situations in order to protect our children, and ourselves sometimes. You can say him coming around your home isn’t sitting you anymore, and don’t get drawn into any discussions. If he wants access them he can get a solicitor and organise it through the courts. He may just do that, or he may not. Once the courts decide what’s best for the child then you can take it from there.Try not to worry about the future, take each day one step at a time. worrying long-term will do neither you or your child any good, it will probably make you ill in the process, with all the different scenarios playing out in your head. It really is a very long game, some abusers will play it till the day they die, others will only play while it suits them.
    Have you spoken to anyone at WA, they could advise re supervised access. I’m not sure if Rights for women could help too, I’m not sure if they are uk based or just down south, but they are a great organisation to ask for advise also. You are doing a great job looking after your child, and dealing with your ex. Go by your gut instinct regarding him. Definately write down how he makes you feel,after his visits.what he said or implied. You know him best. have you noticed if your wee one is behaving differently. @DIY mum put up a post regarding signs to look out for with children, if she could redirect you to it💞 good luck, we’re here for each and every one of us who have lived with or are living with an abusive person. You can ask us anything, post anything. That’s the great thing about this forum being anonymous, we can say absolutely anything and not get embarrassed, well not that anyone sees our embarrassment, except ourselves.
    Best wishes
    IWMB 💕💕

    • #72090
       gladtobefree 
      Participant

      As soon as I made the arrangement I knew that I acted out of fear. I felt like I had no choice in him hai ing access so put my baby first in the reasoning of if this has to happen then I want her to know who he is. May sound silly but that’s what my brain was doing. In an ideal world he would be long gone and we would never have to see him ever again. My baby is only months old she doesn’t know much of what goes on and I try will all my strength to not be stressed as hard as that is. In my head I’m spinning though and want to scream and run. I literally imagine a life far away and me and the children don’t know anyone and start again. I can nearly smell the flowers in my imaginary new garden 🙂 xx

  • #72091
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Get some legal advice on what to write in your text. Or if you qualify for legal aid or can get a free half hour meeting with a family solicitor. History shows us these men will react badly so you need to be prepared to follow through with police if necessary. Something like I do not wish you to contact me again directly, any communication regarding our child should be via my solicitor at……… any direct contact will be reported to the police as harrassment. Do not engage in communication as the police will just see this as an argument. It’s important that you do not respond. If he keeps replying then you need to report his actions. In fact I would ring 101 and speak to a domestic abuse officer and advise them of your plan and ask them to be vigilant should you require their help. Women’s aid are a great source of support to see you are safe, these men are most dangerous when we try to leave or end a relationship.

  • #72092
     gladtobefree 
    Participant

    I reported him to the police a while back and they made a report. The problem is that he is cunning and he doesn’t contact me for months and doesn’t act violent now. He just uses mental abuse. He is verbally abusive. I look back and realise how much I let go and should have put my foot down and not let anxiety get the better of me. The horror stories of Dads getting custody etc is what made me go into panic mode. It has been a long time until I’ve reacted to his games so I’m getting good and realising he wants a reaction and I also know that reasoning is impossible. I will go to the one stop place this week and go from there. I do have legal aid and a solicitor but to put it plainly she is mean and not helpful at all. She just says wait to see what happens (detail removed by Moderator), which isn’t very reassuring xx

  • #72121
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    i acted in fear too, he came to my house for pick up and he intimidated me infront of my child. id text him to say this is not going to be the best method for contact and that he will hear from your solicitor then ask that he does not contact you direct, go through a solicitor.get your solicitor to write a letter to say you would like neutral ground for contact to take place due to the background of dv (as a child witnessing abuse is classed as being abused too) this neutral ground is then in the best interest of the child. his solicitor may come back with the child is too young to understand. that is not true i had a conversation with one of the contact centre staff and they said babies did react when they sensed fear. id also change your solicitor, i did twice. the solicitor is your microphone i got her to ask for a third party for communication via text, contact centre for you to hand over with limited times, supervised contact on the basis of the proof from police records. Signs and symptoms in babies id imagine will be crying more frequently difficult to sooth or settle, more unsettled after contact. Document everything that is said. he may refuse a third party for communication and the contact centre but what your offering is reasonable/ keep reverting back that your doing this as its been proven that its in the best interest of your child not to witness abuse of this nature towards you xx diy xx

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