Feeling anxious about sons

[Serenity]

I’m normally very patient and endurant. A few weeks ago, things came to a bit of a head with my eldest ( I posted on here). He was beginning to throw his weight about and I’d been triggered by my ex doing something, and I think the floodgates opened and I gave my son a sharp talking to.

He not used to be being like that. People who know me joke that I lose my temper once every five years. But maybe when I do feel able to speak up, I say a few home truths. Maybe that’s not the right way to be.

Thing is, my son is using it against me. His dad is really homing in on him right now, and I imagine they’ve had a chat and my ex is delighted in the fact that I lost my cool, and has probably said something nasty, like ‘that’s what she’s really like’ or something nasty.

Now, my eldest is marching around the house being quite rude at times ( not all the time). Bossy, talking down to me. When I say to him that that is not the kind of behaviour I want in this house, I get ‘well, you’re not perfect: you lost your temper.’

It’s like my becoming annoyed with him and Liao g my rag is now being used by him as license to act as he likes. And he just throws it back at me that I am not perfect.

As for my youngest, I’ve had to respond to a letter from school where they say his attendance isn’t what it should be. I rang the educational SW there to highlight that I had in fact phoned the school to highlight that the days he is off is the day after he returns from his dad’s. He has health issues, which seem bad the day after he returns. I’m going to go into the school and talk to them next week and talk to them in person. The letter sent to me was a standard letter, but I was annoyed as it was quite harsh and asked me to communicate with them if there were any issues: there are issues, which the school has been told about by me already, and nothing has been done to communicate with me about them. Sending out standard, harsh letters is hardly being proactive.

I need to highlight the way his health issues suffer when he is with his dad. And why. I’m going to explain how my son is pushed physically and kept out late, how the envieonment affects his allergies. Nor fling anything is neglecting my son. Whether it will come to anything is a different matter. How would they get my ex to change? He won’t.

I haven’t posted here much for a while because I have been so busy with work. I’m so tired. And at least before I felt I had my son’s respect. I feel like he has zero respect at all.

[KIP.]

It’s normal to worry about our children but I think coming from an abusive relationship magnifies the anxiety a hundred times. Perhaps the school could write to your ex telling him that his bahaviour is impacting on his sons education and if things don’t improve they will involve social services. If they could write without involving you? As for your eldest, it’s very hard to be a graceful swan but I would put into practice what we learned in dealing with abusive behaviour. Also, if you’re doing his cooking, washing, shopping, tidying etc. Perhaps it’s time he did that all himself? Try to take things one day at a time x I actually felt frightened of my son. It’s totally mind blowing dysfunction.

[Serenity]

Thanks, KIP.

Why do I feel so bad about myself for speaking my mind? See how our abusers make us feel we are bad or have no right to speak up?

[Peaceful Pig]

There is nothing wrong in feeling angry or fed up occasionally and expressing it. It is normal and human. You have every right to express yourself. I wonder if your son picks up on your anxieties about feeling angry and therefore knows he can use it. Maybe because​ of his dad or maybe just because he’s a teenager and he can use it to get of trouble when he’s behaved badly. You are not being abusive by expressing occasional anger because you take responsibility for your behaviour and apologise if it’s caused upset. You’re teaching him about normal, healthy relationships where people can fall out from time to time and still love each other. The problem comes from the thought of how much your ex might enjoy hearing about it, but I suspect your son is probably very loyal to you and is unlikely to be discussing you with his dad. I say let yourself off the hook and think about your ex as little as possible.
As for your youngest, that is kind of annoying when you’ve already explained the situation. Perhaps they need a reminder that the situation hasn’t changed or gone away for your son. My son’s school have been pretty good, some staff are fabulous offering my son space to talk when he needs,but others seem incapable of taking anything into account. As you say, it’s a standard letter that isn’t personal, but you sometimes wonder if they have any clue what we go through to keep our children as well as we do and going to school at all.
Keep strong, it’s easy to wobble and relapse in our thinking when we’re tired xx

[Confused123]

hey hun

take a deep breath, your eldest saying u r not perfect u lost it too last week , your response to that is your not saying u r perfect but u r the parent and he is the child, not the other way around and
he needs to bare that in mind when he talks to u, continue to remind him the hosue rules are we speak respectful to each another , when needed i remind my boys the same and that violence is not tolerated by me and their voice/comments has a consquence on other people so they need to think before they speak. I told my kids a story where each time a boy was angry his mum told him tohammer a nail on the shed outside, after a month she said now remove them and see the damage left behind, you cna take the nails out but the damage is stilltheir and unrepairable. few times they just laugh and raised their eyebrows, but reminded and told them few time and the message sink in. when u tell the story remind them this is what happens when uhurt someone feelings, u can say sorry but the hurt caused doesnt go.

As for the school sending a letter, just remain calm , go in and see them and put a letter in writing that you have mentioned your concerns and that maybe they should send a letter to his dad too explaining his attendacne is being effected, lets see what input he gives , this will goojn your favour as hopefully the scchool will see how u are the supportive parent working with the school, comapred to the other parent who will prob give no response or be rude

[Nova]

Hey Serenity I feel for you…it’s like a no win sometimes…I reckon it’s better to just stick to your parenting rules and be the consistent caring parent they so need. At the end of the day, their dad can say & do whatever…and yes it is difficult not to want to jump in. Though your boys see who is doing what saying what and your the foundation of their lives.

Sometime a few home truths have to be said…Pity it has to get to that stage but even so, they have to be told. Your the responsible adult.
The ‘ Buck’ stops with you …you are doing all the graft the day to day parenting & have every right to say your piece.
For sure better in the long run, your a person …a parent who really cares that is not easy and it’s by no means the same as just calling yourself one.

Your the real deal!

Cx

[lover of no contact]

Hi serenity,

I have similar with my daughters. They adopt a negative attitude towards me (tone of voice, sarcasm, hostile look, unhelpful, distant, rude, disrespectful) when they have had contact with their dad and they are under his malign influence.

Come to think of it certain of my work-colleagues are the same. If the abuser/bully types are not working on certain days we get on great, things are back to normal. When the abuser/bully types are back in work and on the ‘abusive stage’ of the cycle of abuse, my work-colleagues attitude changes towards me. I then am on the receiving end of the disrespect and the hostile looks and the pointing out of any mistakes. It triggers anger in me as I realize now, my boundary (of requiring respect from the other person if they want to be in a relationship with me) is being crossed. So I can really relate to you.

However, these are some sayings I jotted down to help me as regards my relationship with my older children when although I have ended the abusive relationship for me, my children still have an abuser for a dad…..

1) My children now don’t have to SEE or HEAR me being mistreated. (And my children’s exposure to his behaviour may be less frequent and intense).

2)Calm in the house. It means my children are getting relief from the fighting and the tension.

3)I am setting an example for my children of not tolerating abuse.

4) My parenting has improved as (no exposure for me to verbal abuse, controlling behaviour and disrespect from the abuser).

5) We can now share fun and close times together

6)Relief from fear and danger

7)Having an opportunity to heal emotionally- direct abuse has stopped flowing

8) Despite the harm our abusive partner’s behaviour patterns may have caused, a current toward joy and health still flows in your family, and you will see it if you watch for it.

These positives have helped me see how far my children and I have come when I get disheartened, upset and angry when my children disrespect me after being under the influence of their abuser-dad.

[Author]

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