27th February 2016 at 6:48 am #10548SilkyHalideParticipant
I keep thinking he is going to settle down now and let me get on with it. But when I’ve thought that before he’s come back with something else.
I’m feeling anxious like I’m waiting for something to happen.
I keep feeling tempted to send him emails explaining how I’m dealing with the children, why do I feel I need his approval? (I do think better of it and delete)Because if he doesn’t approve he’ll be desperate to tell me so and what a bad mother I am. He keeps asking to talk but I’m ignoring him. He leaves things out of emails and I’m sure it’s because he’s trying to make me believe that we have to talk. Makes me feel guilty for miscommunication.
27th February 2016 at 7:57 am #10551SerenityParticipant
I know the feeling well. Anxiety has been my greatest problem throughout all of this.
I know the ominous feeling when they are silent. I also know their little tricks of making you think you need to talk.
I am lucky in that I don’t have any direct contact. My mum is third party in case there is any need for communication. Otherwise, my children relay info about contact to me ( my eldest makes his own decisions anyway ), and my solicitor dealt with the financial side.
Why I am no contact is that any contact at all with him would be abusive, unkind, manipulative or agitative. He would be trying to create chaos, and do this with such cunning stealth that would unsettle me on every level, in a way that the average person just wouldn’t understand.
Do to know if you have a potential third party who you might use. But in the interim, I want to tel you what I try to tell myself:
You have a choice whether or not to be in touch with him. Neither he not anyone else can force it.
You have a right to set your own powerful boundaries and to hold people at as much or as little distance as possible, and to reveal as little or as much to those people about your life as you choose.
There will always be people who put you down, and specifically your abuser will always try to put your parenting skills down. This is because your children are shared and he sees them as ammunition, a way of hurting you to your core. But anything he accuses you of, listen very carefully: he is accusing you of things that he himself is guilty of ( projection)!
My friend sent me these following words and I have stuck them up on my fridge:
Let them judge you
Let them misunderstand you
Let them gossip about you
Their opinions aren’t your problem
You stay kind, committed to love
And free in your authenticity
No matter what they do or say
Don’t you dare doubt your worth
Or the beauty of your truth
Just keep on shining like you do
( Scott Stabile)
Of course, with an abuser, it is simply his anger that you have good qualities and that you are surviving without him that will make him try to find endless fault and to weaken you and scare you!
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