Feeling ashamed I've let him take so much control away from me

[Freedomfighter]

I phoned the legal aid helpline today to see if I was eligible. I felt like such a fool, I couldn’t even answer his questions. The worst thing is I don’t know how to find half the answers. He’s insisted on taking control of all the bills and finances from day one. It didn’t seem like a huge deal at first. I could check the balance on the joint account and get money out when I needed to. Somewhere along the way things changed. My bank card got declined one day and I asked him about it. He said he would sort it. I mentioned it the next day and he said ‘yes I’ve cancelled it, they’re sending a new one’ he told me he thought I’d said I’d lost it. The card arrived, but not the pin. This went on for months then when I went into the bank to see if I could draw money out they told me the account was in his name and I was a card holder, I could only withdraw money with him or using his pin and security code. Since then he’s hidden everything away in locked boxes and I have to ask him to find things for me or sort out my problems. I don’t know how I’m going to get the information they asked for. How did I let this happen? He opens my mail, tells me he’s my husband and has a right to know what’s going on in my life. Everything is in his name even though my wages were going straight into the account I thought was joint! How can he change a joint account into one in his name and I just have a card to access it, except I can’t because the PIN number never arrives? This is insane! Trying hard to stay strong and positive, but so so hard when I feel so stupid and pathetic for letting him do this.
Sorry, just need to vent. I’m so shocked and disappointed with myself right now.

[KIP.]

Please don’t put anymore stress on yourself by blaming yourself. None of this is your fault. My ex took my joint card off me. I trusted him. He emptied our joint account then froze it. Cancelled all the direct debits without my knowledge. Left me in a right mess. I sorted it out little by little. Can you visit your local citizens advice bureau for help. Can you open your own bank account and get your wages paid into that? Your name only. We trusted our partners. Why wouldn’t we? Meantime have you had legal advice. You don’t want debt run up in your name. Ring Rights for Women for free legal advice x

[Freedomfighter]

Thanks Kip,
I haven’t tried women’s rights. I’ll try speaking to them. I tried CAB and they put me in touch with legal aid who tried to do an assignment on me to see if I’m eligible for help. I just couldn’t answer his questions. He told me to go on zoopla to find value of house then call back which I did, spoke to different guy who then asked more questions which I couldn’t answer, one being about some shares my husband bought most are in his name but I know he put some in my name because he was only allowed so many. The man from legal aid says I have to declare the value of these to qualify, but my husband keeps all the paperwork and documents locked up, if I asked him for the details or how much they’re worth he’ll want to know why. The company send a letter once a year with a cheque attached to the bottom, but my husband always takes it off me to put into the bank. Mine is never much just couple of pounds, but I don’t have a phone number or anything to make enquiries or a reference number or account number or anything if I googled them. I’m going to rifle though my old paper works see if I might have a letter from them. Can’t think of anything else to do.
I would have qualified except I received a poi payout and tax rebate which takes my savings near to the cap, well, still well under but because he bought the shares a long time ago he said he had no way of calculating their value. The money is in my own savings account, which my husband keeps trying to guilt me into spending, but I’ve managed to resist, telling myself my son and I need it to buy furniture and help pay the rent when I haven’t earned enough. I did open a current account 2 months ago in my name and got my wages transferred. I’ve had to pay for my dental work and glasses and things, but try not to touch it. I’ve been trying to do all this myself, but realised that I needed financial support for lawyers and with housing and living costs, but it seems I’ve worked so hard to save and with this question mark over the shares I could end up paying £200 an hour for legal costs. Seems so unfair when I wouldn’t have anything if I hadn’t made the ppl claim. I’m wishing I had given in to my husband and paid for the new window units myself. I’ve struggled, scrimped and saved all year trying to save the money to leave at start of next year only to be told I may have worked too hard. Unless I can prove the shares aren’t worth more than £2000 I won’t qualify. The only other thing I can think of is to buy the things the money was intended for like kettle, toaster, microwave, Hoover bed, fridge etc and store them at someone’s house. I was going to wait for January sales as planned to leave (detail removed by Moderator) when he’s off (detail removed by Moderator), with the money he says we don’t have. Feels like I’m being punished for trying to be responsible. The reason I’ve stayed last (detail removed by Moderator) years is money, now I’ve finally managed to get a little I might have to spend a big chunk of it on legal fees and sleep on the floor while they try to track down where he’s hidden his money and let him trash the house and devalue it even more. The system is crazy. He’s refused to do repairs on the house ever since I threatened to leave (detail removed by Moderator) years ago. Only recently started doing anything about it since roof was leaking and next door were having theirs done. We took out a loan to pay, so I thought he was telling the truth about being broke. But he always finds the money for his holidays, cars, bailing his dad and our eldest son out of debt etc, but not to replace broken windows or anything in the house. I know he’s just keeping the value of the property as low as possible, but there was nothing I could do except save up and try to leave. Just seems like it’s one obstacle after another, odds all stacked against me
Better get searching for these papers. Thanks for listening Kip

[Borntobefree]

Hi freedomfighter
Do not blame yourself hun

I was in same position but only thing I never had a joint bank account with him .but he found other ways to control my money by spending all his on stupid gadgets etc ..he totaly put me in financial difficulty all my credit cards where maxed out .. he wanted to totaly wipe me out ..by not having nothing…

They are evil monsters

X

[Greyskydarkdays]

Maybe you can get the money paid in to someone else’s account, relative someone u no isn’t on his side, they are very clever to leave you with no money n debts as it’s just another way to keep u there, please keep going, it’s a hurdle not a brick wall, you could go and pay for a birth certificate if ur able, Di u have a drivers licence get the electric or something on your phone as proof of address that should be enough to open an account in your name or tell them you have moved to someone address u trust and have everything sent there

[Freedomfighter]

I’ve started having my mail sent to my mums. I didn’t think about transferring some of my money, but not sure if that’s allowed. So I thought about buying some of the things we will need instead. But I still have to find the value of the shares. I don’t think they’re worth any more than when he bought them. I understood that the dividends they send yearly is the profits made that year. But that’s just what he told me when I suggested selling them when we were in debt. But then I know he lies to me, so I’m not sure. If that’s the case I can have legal aid, but I don’t know how to prove that. Still have some papers to rummage through so might still be able to sort this out. Thanks for your support. It helps so much listening to what everyone says. It’s actually making me realise that when I’m not running around like a headless chicken in a panic I’m mostly doing the right things. It’s calming me down and gives me a little more faith in myself. Knowing that I’m not the only one who’s trusted my partner and been put in this sort of situation. It really helps even though it’s so sad and makes me so angry that the men we love/ loved treated us like that. I’ll find a way. Thanks for caring everyone

[Greyskydarkdays]

I hope u can sort it out, have u spoken to Women’s rights, under the circumstances u would think they could offer some legal support, I don’t no anything about shares so can’t help with that, but keep looking, fingers crossed for you

[Freedomfighter]

Thanks Greysky
That’s the trouble I don’t either. He only bought me shares because I noticed he’d bought the first ones in his name only. He said they were for both of us, but it needed a signature and I was working. The next week he said we could get some for me because he’d bought the max amount allowed, but since my name wasn’t on the his shares I could get some of my own. Wish I hadn’t bothered all this bother they’re causing
Such a little thing, but could be the difference between losing half my savings on solicitor fees, probably more because he’s not going make it easy for me. He told me I’m his for all eternity and he’d never give me a divorce. He’ll fight me every step of the way, I know he will. I’ve remembered somewhere else they might be. Thanks il keep looking

[Greyskydarkdays]

Have you googled it, sounds silly u probs have, I google everything, good luck in your search, always here if you feel lost

[Freedomfighter]

Thanks, yes I’m googling everything too, amazing what you can find. I’ve never been in to ‘surfing the net’ but it’s amazing 😉 stay strong, we can do this ❤️

[KIP.]

My ex told me the same thing. He would financially ruin me and leave me with nothing. They are liars. I got much more in the divorce than he said. It’s different when professionals are involved. Running up debt in your name is financial abuse.

[Freedomfighter]

Thanks Kip,
I’m pretty sure he has money stashed away. He has an accountant to advise him
He always used to put money aside for a rainy day and our retirement (when I was privy to what was going on with ‘our’ money). He still always finds the money for the things he wants. But he’s also very convincing in his role as pauper telling me everything is on the credit cards. I don’t know for sure and can’t prove it. I know he’s a barefaced liar, but sometimes it’s not a complete lie just exaggerated. I’m not interested in All his money, just my half of the house so that my son and I have a roof over our heads and to be free of him.
I’m afraid he’s going to wreck the house when I leave and devalue it even more so that I walk away with as little as possible. He’s had a decade to plan and hide the money and build up this image of being broke. I just hope like you I get enough to start afresh. I think I’ve found a number to hopefully find out the value of the shares, but no one there til tomorrow. Trying not to think about tomorrow and meeting with solicitor, makes my stomach knot and heart pound. Deep breath and soldier on!😊

[Anonymous]

Hi I don’t know if I can help much in this for you. My heart goes out to you, I’m just so grateful that I listened to ex-h’s mother when she warned me never to get a joint bank account with her son because of what his dad was like.
Ex still managed to get me into debt through lies and to sign me up to something that meant I couldn’t get a job in a bank.
Please look at how well you have done in building up your savings. Even if you end up leaving with nothing it is possible to put your life back together.

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Freedoms,
I wish I’d listened to my mum and not put all my money in the joint account. Mind you if I’d listened to her I wouldn’t have married him!
I still don’t know how he managed to change our joint account into one in his name with me just having a card.
Makes me so worried about what else he’s done/doing. I don’t put anything past him. That’s why no matter how scary or costly it is I have to see this solicitor tomorrow. Everyone is right. No matter when I leave I have to get started with the legal process.

[Author]

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