Feeling ashamed remembering the sexual side of the relationship

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi everyone,

I have been blocking the sexual side of the relationship with my ex boyfriend because I feel guilty about it and like it was my fault, that I encouraged him. I feel so ashamed about it.

It sounds awful but I remember making jokes to him that I was like a sex doll or other object, and in hindsight I realise it was because he was treating me sort of like a object, possession. I don’t remember making these jokes with my previous partners, because apart from one other controlling idiot I dated, they didn’t used to treat me like that and were caring in different degrees and the relationships were much more rounded.

We role played in the bedroom and it seemed fun at first, but then it just became the norm and that was all we did, there was no love or affection or warmth or other types of sex. He became very cold and clinical, touching me without looking at me, asking for permission and then just using my body before jumping up and suggesting we get food – no warmth, no hugging, kissing or affection by the end. He seemed to think that I should be honoured by the presence of his penis, which was clearly his prized possession, and once he looked at me in utter disgust and anger because I dared to move slightly during sex to avoid hurting my head on the bed frame and apparently it felt horrible on his penis and he acted like I’d done it on purpose! I asked him if we could cuddle once after sex and he did so reluctantly with a scrunched up face and that sparked off a big argument when I asked if it made him uncomfortable when I was affectionate with him.

I have these memories of him using me as a sexual object. I think in a loving caring relationship, couples can roleplay and it is fun BECAUSE you know it’s not actually how they see you if that makes sense, the fun is because it’s not actually real. The roleplays themselves were very tame but it’s disturbing me to think that was all our relationship was, and makes me wonder if I was being sexually abused by him without realising. Whenever we did non roleplay sex he was basically just silent so I think I preferred the roleplay partly because it felt like we communicated more and I could connect with him more. I really wanted to connect with and be close to him. I know now that it was always a losing battle as he is incapable of that. It makes me feel sad thinking about it.

I’m also disturbed why I seem to want men to treat me like this. I don’t think I’ve ever ‘made love’ to anyone, only had sex and it’s always always been about them and that seems the norm to me, making love feels like an alien concept to me. I have a counsellor now and really want to unpick this stuff, I think it’s to do with my childhood and am worried about what happened to me. It feels like a long and depressing and painful path ahead with a lot of stuff to resolve, unlearn and heal. And it’s so difficult to talk about due to all the shame and embarassment involved.

Can anyone relate?

[maddog]

You are not alone, SunshineRainflower! My husband boasted endlessly about his penis. It really was his prize possession too! It’s horrible isn’t it. My husband too used me as a sex toy and masterbatory tool. Absolutely revolting. He groped me in the night and I used to wake up feeling his fingernails poking around my vagina. Yuck.

I got sucked in right from the start. I thought from very very early on that his sexual attitude was something I hadn’t experienced before. I thought it would change as we got to know each other. Wrong! His behaviour towards me sexually has always been disgusting, and I wish I had understood the coercion involved. I went along with it as I didn’t want an argument. When I did bring up the issue, of course I was in the wrong and it never got discussed at any marriage guidance.

Yes, the horror of realising what was going on is great.The sex thing was something new and alien to me.

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks for your reply maddog, it was difficult to post this so I’m glad someone else can relate. I know what you mean about masturbatory tool, right from the start he used to push his penis up against me, even during our first kiss which I found odd as normally first kisses are sweet and romantic. I asked him about it months later and he said he’d been trying to hide ‘his excitment’ from me which was another example of his gaslighting.

He used to rub himself up against me so hard that I’d have bruises all over my hips and arms which when I showed him, he said that I must bruise easily, no apology.

I just wrote it off as him being a bit more ‘masculine’ and ‘rougher’ than my exes but later on when I was ill I was worried about sleeping in the same bed as him as he was always a bit rough and managed to bruise me somehow, which didn’t used to happen with previous boyfriends.

This was all punctuated with him being an apparently ‘lovely boyfriend’ so I wrote it off and rationalised it (with his help of course). I’m just unpicking it all now and each day seem to have a new memory or revelation.

I think they use their penises are weapons to seduce, control, rape. Towards the end he became really weird about condoms and said he was running out after previously saying he had loads and finding reasons why he couldnt buy them. I think he was using them with other women (and possibly men too, but that’s another story) but he was also trying to manipulate me into unprotected sex. He pressurised me to meet his parents before I was ready and I think he had planned for me to be his submissive stay at home babymaking wife while he went out and f****d the rest of the town. Not knowing all the details of what he was doing behind my back makes it both worse and better – it would be awful to know but it also makes me still question everything.

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