Feeling befuddled

[LovingLife]

Hi all, this is my first post. Only learned recently that I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for the past years. We have a young child together which is why I planned to leave as soon as I realised. However, in the last few days, my partner has been changing. He said he (detail removed by moderator). He has been kind, considerate and much more helpful at home. This makes me doubt my decision and wonder if I imagined it all.

In the past years, there were different situations though. Before I got pregnant, he often accused me of being needy when I wanted to cuddle or initiate sex. He is aware that physical touch is very important to me and withheld it when he was angry. There was a conflict at our shared workplace that he brought into our relationship. All his anger at me in my role at work was brought home. After I got pregnant, all intimacy stopped as he was concerned to harm. The baby. Once the baby was born, he told me that he now sees me like his sister (detail removed by moderator) He has struggled with me breastfeeding as it is (detail removed by moderator).

In conversations, he often would say (detail removed by moderator) when I was hurt. Or he claimed he had forgotten the entire incident or what he said. If he felt criticised, he wouldargue about my use of words. Even if I was sure I had not said something in the way he paraphrased, he would argue that I did until I doubted my memory.

When I go on a trip, he wants to be informed every step of the way where I am. I have always put it down to him being diagnosed with anxiety. That is also being used as excuse for his general edginess and nervousness. It is also his rationale for demanding that I drop everything at work when he needs me. If I don’t, then I am not supportive and don’t put my family first. At the moment, I am the sole earner.

As I work from home now, he can overhear some conversations and sometimes questions my decisions. He says I am doing something unfair or need to keep x, y, z in mind. Lately, he also asked me (detail removed by moderator).

I have noticed some of the undermining language in conversations with our child too. If they say no, e.g. (detail removed by moderator). He also talks about our child as being challenging or a nightmare in front of them. While they can’t talk much yet, they do understand a lot and these kind of situations can be so damaging.

So, based on the last few days though I am really befuddled now if there is still hope for us or if it were better for me and my child to be on our own. Is it actually abuse? Or am I being too sensitive?

[Toomuchfaith]

Hiya. I’m new too.
So I am going through a similar thing. I recently posted my experiences, and I briefly touch on that when it’s good, it’s really good and I absolutely love our relationship when it’s that way.

Unfortunately, things will be tough, predominantly when I raise issues with the way he’s treating me (accusations, belittling, undermining) and then I’ll always have to give in to him (mainly involving sex). Once I do, he’s lovely, charming, kind, generous and caring.

I also question my view of events. I always then think “maybe this time he genuinely means the change”

This is the vicious cycle. Please, I know I am speaking from a situation I haven’t escaped yet but, you mustn’t doubt yourself.

Unfortunately, they’ve spent so long chipping away at you, you don’t have much self worth. So it’s not hard for them to make you second guess your thoughts. Trust your instincts. These people do not change without professional aid. I’ve been begging my partner to go for years to speak to someone (I think his parents divorcing when he was a child, and his father subsequently insulting his mother repeatedly to him is what has contributed to his disrespect for women) but he won’t listen, but he also never changes.

He was nice to me in (detail removed by moderator). For a whole month, it’s the longest I’ve gone without serious accusations or abuse. But it’s been torture since. Apparently I’m sleeping with the neighbour at the moment (I don’t know what the neighbour he’s referring to even looks like)

You are not being too sensitive. I was told for years that I was being too sensitive. Define, too sensitive? Sensitive to what? Our feelings? What hurts us as individuals? I mean, we develop some form of resilience to a lot of things, but what hurts one, doesn’t hurt another. So what’s hurt you, may not hurt him, but he should respect that and address it, not dismiss it.

I read something recently that really put my thoughts into perspective.
We are too used to being given ‘crumbs’ of what we deserve. Because we are given so little of what we want (affection, love, respect) we are often left starving. In that time of starvation, we are disrespected and abused, and then they feed us with a little crumb of what we want again. Because we are so so starving, we accept it.

Stop accepting crumbs. You deserve more.

What he is doing is just part of his cycle, another card to play. My colleague split from her husband. In the weeks leading up to her move out, he was everything you describe (which like you, she never really witnessed in the ten year marriage). Then she moved out and it all changed. He is awkward, unhelpful with childcare, resentful, jealous, vindictive, you name it.

Start believing your gut, what is it telling you?

[LovingLife]

My gut tells me that the situation won’t change and I won’t be happy. I am leaning towards leavi g but find all the work involved with this very draining.

[Julka]

I’m so sorry to hear that LovingLife.
The cycle of good times followed by abuse mess up our minds and makes it impossible to make a decision and follow through. I know it so well, I’ve failed to act for over (detail removed by Moderator) years. I’ve only just started and still question myself every step of the way.
The work involved will be draining. It will be horrible and exhausting and heartbreaking. But it won’t get any easier with time. You may as well do it now, as you will become weaker and not stronger with time. Only take time to work out practical steps and make arrangements, don’t take the time in the hope things will improve for good. They will not. Every month of abuse causes deeper trauma within you. You owe it to yourself and your child. Gather your support network. Make up your mind. He will not protect you. You need to protect yourself.
We are here to support you
xx

[Author]

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