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I have had a really horrible evening of being bombarded with the most vile verbal abuse from him because it is obvious our relationship is not working/that I have become detached.
From being shouted at, sworn at, called names, told how I will have a sh*tty, little life and he will move on with his, assaulting my character, comparing me to a family member he knows is not particularly the nicest/who I have problems with, laughing in my face, insulting my job, basically saying I have no reason to be stressed and the reason I am is pathetic, saying how one of my parents doesn’t give a f**k about me, speaking to me in a very condescending way, saying he has no more compassion for me… the list goes on.
So why is it I am just sat here in my stupid head thinking but what about that really nice time we had at blah blah? Or what about how we have such a great laugh together like no one else I know? What about when we have a lovely evening cuddling on the sofa blah blah blah. I also starting laughing at one of the really nasty things he said to me. Am I losing my mind?!
Oh and I just know that if he’s back to being nice tomorrow or apologises and declares his love for me I will just feel even worse and like how could I ever be without him.
So sick, tired and fed up of feeling so torn, it feels like mental torture.
Sorry about the rant just having a pretty horrible time. x
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I understand and empathise with you, have experienced exactly the same kind of scenario and hung around ‘letting’ him treat me that way for many, many years so let’s get one thing straight, you are not pathetic. You need some support because what you are experiencing is abuse and it is really horrible. It is good to read up on the chemical reactions that happen in your brain when you go through the cycle of ‘sweet and mean’ it helps to understand why you feel so hooked and unable to break away and that you are being manipulated essentially. Try not to beat yourself up about your reactions, it isn’t your fault and it feels like mental torture because that is exactly the tactic being used.
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Please, please don’t feel pathetic, you’ve made it this far to this forum which is real sign of strength. Like you I’m sworn at and told I’m worthless constantly but have found solace in finally telling my friends and family what’s been going on for years instead of doing the normal response of ‘I’m fine’. The temptation to look back to the glimmers of the good bits is so strong sometimes but it’s not worth it (just had one of those moments this week and it took my very lovely sister to remind me of the s*** bit’s that override it all). The being hooked thing is so true, its like catnip, the promise of something better and nicer from my OH used to be such a hook for me but its all a front. None of this is your fault and I know you’ll find your way through it all.
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Is there someone you cannot stand. Who you know is a horrible person? My abusers brother was such a person and I thought of him every time I thought of my abuser like you do. It kind of tricks your brain. Would you want love messages from that person?
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