Viewing 2 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #96400
      -Littlebird-
      Participant

      Hi, it’s been a really long time since I’ve been on here. I thought I was doing really well but I’m all over the place and feeling so confused. I started a new relationship after being away from my abusive relationship for less than a year… after a few months I realised it was too soon and there were lots and lots of red flags and I ended it.. he continues to stalk me a year later so I clearly went from one abuser to another. Now I’m in another relationship as I really don’t like being single… this time to try to stop myself rushing things I went for a long distance relationship and it was all going well with travelling to see each other and romantic breaks away but I’m constantly looking for faults and slowly I’ve managed to change how I feel about him and I’m not sure he’s actually done anything wrong?!? He visited last week and we cooked together and he’s been increasingly critical about how I cook to the point where I end up letting him take over… this was something my abuser did and eventually I wasn’t allowed to cook but I feel like maybe I’m being over sensitive because of the past? I’ve overanalysed everything he said and done so much that it’s made me start to dislike him and I couldn’t wait for him to leave. I don’t want to end a perfectly good relationship just because of something silly. I’m worried that ive ruined how I feel about him and I just want to end it so I don’t have to talk to him and tell him that I’m comparing him to an abuser and basically saying he is one when he’s actually done nothing wrong. He’s never raised his voice to me or said anything hurtful. He walked out of the room when I played a song he didn’t like and that seemed a bit over the top as well but should I make someone listen to music they don’t like? Sometimes I feel like I’m doing and saying things to him to get a reaction… I have started the stay free programme and this is helping. I’m just so confused and every ounce of me is saying to end the relationship but when I think about the reasons I just feel like I’m over reacting. Any advice? Sorry for rambling!

    • #96427
      Camel
      Participant

      Hi Littlebird

      I can understand why you’re feeling confused. You are putting yourself through a whole heap of stuff just to be part of a couple.

      Why do you think you owe this latest man anything? Not all relationships develop into anything longer term. Most go through a honeymoon period before both parties drop the act and relax into themselves. There will, undoubtedly, be flaws. These can be overlooked, if overall things are great.

      But when things are not great, when he gets sulky over the stereo, when he elbows you out of your own kitchen, when you’re wishing he’d go home, these flaws should never be ignored.

      Do you think he will get less annoying if you lower your standards? How low are you willing to go?

      Is it really a ‘perfectly good relationship’? Or one that was fun in the beginning, before he began to mark his territory in your home?

      Do you feel you can call him out on his behaviour? Or is there something about how he reacts that scares you?

      Can I say that you haven’t ‘ruined’ how you feel about him – you’ve changed your mind. That’s absolutely allowed.

      • #96442
        -Littlebird-
        Participant

        Thank you… he’s never scared me. Think it is just my past experiences that have affected how I react… instead of standing up for myself I let myself be manipulated but if I said something he would probably back off and let me get on with the cooking? But I think you are right and my feelings have changed and I need to accept that. Thank you for helping me!

    • #96433
      Hetty
      Participant

      Don’t ignore your gut feelings. Little bit over the top, critical of you, you having the feeling you want him to leave – these are red flags. They’ll develop into worse behaviours. Started like this with my current husband and I had those gut feelings from day 1. ❤️

      • #96443
        -Littlebird-
        Participant

        You are right… we have those instincts for a reason so I should listen to myself and trust that I’m feeling like this Because it’s not right.

Viewing 2 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ JobsAccessibility Guide

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content