1st February 2019 at 11:13 am #71706HeasvHeartParticipant
I do feel bad for coming back on here and writing this after feeling so sure and strong before.
My problem is my partner has been having counselling and is saying and doing all the right things which is making me doubt my decision.
That being said, I have discovered a couple of things he has lied to me about which is making me wonder what else (although they aren’t major things and I might not be bothered if the situation was different) and the other thing niggling at me is sometimes he really breaks down and cries, this then upsets me but then when I am crying for quite a long time after, he has no tears and is very comforting and asking me what’s up am i ok etc….. this really confuses me and im there thinking you were just heartbroken yourself a moment ago.
So at the moment I am thinking is he really that manipulative to cry so I feel bad or is it genuine….because he seems genuine and I find it really hard to believe (or maybe don’t want to) that he is that horrible…… 🙁
1st February 2019 at 11:37 am #71707[email protected]Participant
Ive had experience of this; my ex would cry when I tried to end the relationship in time I did realise they were crocodile tears. If you feel that he may have narsassistic tendancies then these guys don’t have the ability so show true feeling. Theyre abit like spoiled children, emotionally they are not very mature. The reality of facing up to this is pretty c**p xx I hope your ok be strong and keep reaching out xx
1st February 2019 at 11:57 am #71708KIP.Participant
He’s lied to you. Doesn’t matter how small. Trust your gut. My ex was Oscar winning with his performances. I once caught him smirk after he had been crying and begging because I said I would give him another chance. His demeanour changed in an instant. That’s not genuine upset. You know that kind of upset lasts a long time. We cannot turn it on and off like an abuser can. Ignore what he says and look at his actions closely. He’s lying already. Think of this. An abuser will push us off a cliff, then rush down to save us. All we can think of is he saved us but actually he pushed us off in the first place endangering us. By comforting you he’s taking the spotlight off his own behaviour. Mine used to do this all the time. It’s crazy making behaviour. Confused? A sure sign you’re with an abuser. Please keep posting and asking questions on here. It’s how you can expose his behaviour and save yourself from a lot more pain x
1st February 2019 at 12:01 pm #71709DorisParticipant
Hi HeasvHeart, I so get where you are coming from. My partner is also actually seeking therapy and he’s being totally reasonable about many things. But I cannot help thinking that he can turn it off and on to manipulate the situation. So what is the right course of action? Am I being an unforgiving so and so because I suspect his motives? Are they genuine? After (detail removed by moderator) years of this emotional roller-coaster can I afford to become trusting and complacent only to be shot down again? I just do not know. Problem is, I think we can all be a little narcissistic sometimes and perhaps a little paranoid so the lines get blurred – is it me or is it him? Then the outpouring of rage and anger happens and the lines seem so clear again and I think what a fool I was to start to trust that his behaviour would improve. We all have so much to lose by separating that we want to get it right but we’ll never know until we actually leave. What a conundrum. I share your anguish HeasvHeart.
1st February 2019 at 12:09 pm #71710
My partner went for counselling just before I left. After never showing any emotion apart from anger he suddenly started crying all the time. It was exhausting. He wanted me to be with him all the time. Everything revolved around his sadness and guilt at behaving so badly. And I had even less freedom than before. Because he needed me because he was so sad and wanted to make things better.
What helped was to write notes for myself about what was going on and what he said and how it made me feel. That helped me identify that he still wasn’t taking responsibility for his emotions. I was bearing the brunt of sadness rather than anger. It made me feel much more guilty about not being able to cope with him. But honestly I could not cope. And I should not have had to cope, because they were his emotions, and the point of counselling was for him to deal with them himself not dump them on me. He also used what he claimed that the counselor said to make me feel bad. The counselor didn’t think I was sympathetic, he was going through a terrible time and needed support. It was all pretty subtle. But non the less highly unpleasant to deal with.
I would really recommend that you keep some kind of written record of what he does and says. You are still experiencing high levels of emotional abuse and that makes it hard to think straight.
I would also remember that he probably doesn’t think he is lying to you or mistreating you. If he is anything like my abuser he probably firmly believes that different rules apply to him and his feelings than to other people. Mine certainly did. It manifested in hypocrisy mostly, and a belief that his needs always outweighed mine.
I really hope you manage to break free. Red flags are always red flags, and you shouldn’t ignore them.
2nd February 2019 at 8:50 am #71749DorisParticipant
Thanks for your wise words Tiffany. And how courageous to have left – I am such a coward!!!
2nd February 2019 at 6:15 pm #71774
Doris, in a lot of ways I was lucky. I had managed to hang onto my job, so I had a bit of money of my own. I worked with the most amazing people who really opened my eyes to what was going on. Actually they picked up on the abuse before I did, without ever meeting my partner, just because they were so good at reading emotions. I had a supportive family. I didn’t have any major legal ties to my abuser. And it still took me years to see what was going on and work out how to get out of it.
I definitely don’t have all the answers. All I can do is share what helped me get out of there. And mostly it was writing things down. Because then I knew I was remembering accurately – I got a lot of gas lighting and really doubted myself. And actually I wasn’t remembering how bad things were. And just telling myself over and over that I deserved to be ok and look after myself.
It’s hard. But you can do it. Use all the support you can find. And do what is best for you! I used to fixate on being fair to my abuser, but that way madness lies. Be fair to you. You deserve it.
2nd February 2019 at 9:16 am #71750IwantmebackParticipant
Hi Doris, you are not a coward. To have lived with your husband for so long has taken an incredible amount of courage. To put up with mood swings, animosity and childish tantrums, never mind silent treatment and downright rudeness, tells me that you are a kind, loving woman. Have you looked up trauma bonding yet or FOG. It gives us a better understanding of the dynamics of these relationships. Understanding why we stay, it literally is down to how our body reacts chemically and biologically. So no you’re not a coward my friend. 💜
3rd February 2019 at 10:01 am #71798HeasvHeartParticipant
Your words are amazing as always ladies – thank you.
So after agreeing to a no contact break and lots of talk of what he is in control of and what he can & wants to change, something happened yesterday that I don’t know how to write for it not to be removed, but anyway it showed that one of the changes that could be made he has already done the opposite.
I have gone from feeling unsure and empty to very sad but sad because of what I know I need to go through and the realisation that he won’t change, especially not forever.
Sending love and strength to all xx
3rd February 2019 at 11:21 am #71801IwantmebackParticipant
Hi HvH, it’s when the realisation hits us, that no matter what they say, their actions speak so much louder. Whatever it is he’s done, it’s allowing you to be sad, sad that the relationship is over. Better sad than unsure and empty.😏 Those feelings are gone now and that’s because of whatever it was he did. That’s you another few steps to getting him out of your system and getting away from him. Keep strong, your doing so well.
Much love and strength
3rd February 2019 at 12:58 pm #71813
It’s a heartbreaking realisation, and I am really sad that you have to go through it. But at the same time I am glad. Because he has given you something to hold onto. Something that tells you absolutely that you need to go. And we need that
We all go through a series of realisations when we see the abuse and start to plan to leave. Mine started with a stupid incident where my abuser forbad me from changing my hair. It triggered me to start making plans of escape. And him promising to get help and change his behaviour. The final end was as it is hopefully for you,
3rd February 2019 at 1:01 pm #71814
A realisation that he wasn’t going to change. He was still undermining my ability to work and his emotions were still more important to him than mine.
Hold onto the thing he has done. And the hurt it has caused you. It’s your ticket to freedom. Life gets better once you are out. You can do this.
Love and strength, Tiffany
Also apologies for the two section answer. The interface is not great on my phone…
3rd February 2019 at 1:20 pm #71818LozzyXParticipant
I am in a similar situation. I don’t know if he was acting or not but he seemed so broken , gutted , absolute mess and it broke my heart to see him that way so I forgave him …he’s been so good since with me, my family etc … But he knows I was determined to go …I am hoping this was the reality kick he needed
. Was going to lose me .. he has remained clean too so the bad mood swings probably were all down to drugs… I have to try keep strong and not forget though that this can.all.fall apart again at any.moment… which is why s journal helps … I really was almost out last time and if there’s a next time I am pretty sure I am ready to go.
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