Feeling defeated

[Greyskydarkdays]

I haven’t been on here for a long while but I feel so down, I’ve noticed that more and more I’m struggling to keep up all the finances, I’ve tried to seek help and I’ve managed but they can not understand why my partner is not helping, I can’t either? We share a home we have children I can’t afford to do it alone, I tried getting a job but he was messing about at the time of my interview so I could not go, I’m drowning in debts bills and he won’t contribute, I dare not tell him I’m behind on the rent , it’s my home my name on it I just wish I could ask him to leave, the worse thing is I’ve not spoken to him much for a few days after a big argument now I feel bad as I no that’s stonewalling but I’m not trying to hurt him, I just need some alone time, I don’t want his kisses or his cuddles I just want some peace and quiet, I’ve slept on the sofa for a few nights with my youngest so I don’t have to go to bed, I’ve noticed he waits for me to go to sleep before he starts touching me and I’m not comfortable with it, I feel disgusting after but I do not want to say no as I don’t no how that would go, I have previously said that I would like him to be open with me if he wants sex but it goes on deaf ears, I tried to leave moths ago, but he said he would do what I was asking, be there to have children so I can work, help with bills, be more open with me not shutting me down, it’s been good for a while now, but soon as we argue it’s same thing, I’m a rubbish mom, I’m lazy, I let the kids run circles round me, I don’t discipline them enough I just want out sorry for the rant

[KIP.]

You need to get him out. Your home is at risk with the amount of debt. My ex was determined to keep me financially dependent on him as a source of control. Meanwhile costing me tens of thousands with his financial irresponsibility. You need help to get out of this and women’s aid were by far the best source of help I ever received. You need to find strength to reach out for help. If you removed the Fear Obligation and Guilt, would you actually want him around. What does he contribute to your life in a positive way. Mine was stealing my money and spending it on his mistress. They are despicable men.

[Greyskydarkdays]

I would not want him around without them maybe years ago but now it’s just a relationship because I’m still here, I don’t doubt that I care for him, wich is y I’m still here as when I try to leave he threatens suicide, but I’m suffering and suffocating I am not me I don’t even think I could begin to find out who I actually am, I’m in a long nightmare with no where to run, and no money to help, when I tried to leave last time I was fully in control of my finances but since then he’s made sure that I am dependent as that’s his last weapon, I don’t want to upset my children as he will use them against me he will take one of them or tell them that mommy made all this happen that’s y u don’t have a dad anymore
That’s not something I can deal with, I just don’t have the strength anymore

[Lisa]

Dear Greyskydarkdays,

Thanks for posting and sharing how you feel. You’ve explained serious emotional, financial and sexual abuse, which is the sole reason you’re feeling so low and exhausted. It sounds like you’re reaching a point where something has to change. I acknowledge that it can feel impossible, but by gathering the right information and support you could make changes happen. You and your children deserve to live free from abuse.

Please consider calling the 24 hour freephone National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 when you are safe to do so. If you struggle to get through you can leave a voicemail with a safe time frame for a call back. They won’t tell you what to do but can talk through your options based on your circumstances and signpost you to other helpful organisations. Talking can really help to lift some of the heaviness you must be feeling.

Kind Regards and Keep posting,

Lisa

[Author]

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