Feeling depressed but too anxious to try medication

[gettingtired]

Today I feel depressed and down about my life. My past, present and future. I think it’s been triggered by a programme I’ve been watching recently about people in their early 20s chasing their dreams and working hard to acheive them. I feel like I’ve thrown all of that away. I did go to university but I stayed local and there’s a lot of things I sacrificed and didn’t do because I was with my partner. It’s not that he told me directly what I could or couldn’t do but I think I was always worried if I moved away or something that the relationship wouldn’t last. So I’ve always put the relationship before myself but then I chose to do that, right? So it’s my own fault. I don’t like being labelled as co-dependant but maybe that’s what I’ve been.
I’ve been in work all my adult life, before and after studying but just in normal jobs never something career based. There’s nothing wrong with normal jobs I know but I don’t feel like I’ve ever reached my full potential. I have very little confidence in applying for jobs I think are beyond my ability and don’t think I perform well in interviews. I know this is probably all linked back in some way to the abusive relationship but I still feel bad about myself for it all.
I just feel miserable about the past I’ve probably wasted, distressed about my current situation and sad about what lies ahead in the future. Some days are better than others but the pressure is mounting with my partner pushing me into a commitment and me seeing no way out. Local DA service said they’d get in touch after the initial assessment they did but I haven’t heard from them since. I’ve chased them up but haven’t heard back. 

People on the forum have suggested medication for depression/anxiety as a temporary aid and although I’m not against this I am too scared to take them. Please don’t judge me but the main reason is because I don’t want any side effects of gaining weight (I know this doesn’t happen for everyone but I know enough people who have gained a lot being on them). I hope I don’t sound shallow, I don’t judge others on their weight but I’ve been raised with the belief that staying slim is very important and it’s hard to shake that off even though I despise that mentality. I don’t think I have body dysmorphia but the thought of gaining more weight terrifies me. I don’t diet or count calories and I practise intuitive eating. I avoid conversations with people talking about losing weight etc as I find it very triggering. But I still struggle. I’ve even been thinking one of the positives of leaving partner will be that I’ll lose weight (I’m not currently ‘under’ or ‘over’ weight) which is embarassing to say. Like I said, I’m not a vain or shallow person but the whole thing with weight affects me negatively and I can’t help but think losing weight will at least bring happiness (even though I know this is wrong). 
I guess this is just another pointless anxiety of mine to add to the pile but it’s something I battle with in my mind. Obviously the pandemic and lockdown aren’t helping things but at least that’s something I know will eventually change once vaccinations are rolled out further. 

I don’t even know if I am clinically depressed but I know whenever I’ve been assessed I’ve scored high with my anxiety. I also suffer with OCD (not diagnosed by GP but I know I have it) which I guess is a symptom of the anxiety.

Sorry, I hope this doesn’t sound really self-absorbed. I know there’s always someone else going through much worse but I can’t help but feel sh*t about my life today.  

[Darcy]

Hi my beautiful Angel …gettingtired
I am sadden to hear you are having such a bad day … but that’s Ok we are all aloud one, so just go easy on yourself and try not to give to much focus to the emotions just let them rise and then pass. You do not have to attach a story to every emotion… we are just aloud to be sad, or angry or whatever it is sometimes.
Regarding you not feeling like have not done what you want with your life, there is still plenty of time and you are never to old to start again and try something new. Lots of successful people didn’t find their success until late in life… Look at Captain Tom, it took him 99 years to tell his story … but he did.
Don’t ever write yourself off.
I left my abusive relationship at (detail removed by moderator) and I still have loads to achieve.
Be reassured that anything that is meant for you will not pass you by.
Regarding your other issues, the weight, the depression, the OCD, these are all signs that you need to start to love and take care of yourself from inside. Show yourself some long over due self worth and self respect. As soon as we start to do this, however little the changes are, you will instantly start to feel better and raise your mood.
I encourage you to learn about yourself, next time you feel the need to be OCD, ask yourself what is it that I really need to make me feel better and give yourself space to answer.
Respect your body with a good diet and exercise and use positive thinking to brighten your thoughts. Even how you feel about work and where you are heading will start to improve as well and you’ll get more clarity once you tune into you.
As always I recommend reading or listening to Louise Hay, You Can Heal You Life (who by the way was I think 50 when she published her first book and went on to achieve so much more and help so many people )
Start from the inside my darling … look in the mirror and tell yourself how amazing and beautiful you are over and over until you beleive it.
Sending you love and support
Darcy xx

[gettingtired]

Thank you your kind words Darcy x*x

[Lottieblue]

Hi @gettingtired –

I’m wondering if you have a good (ie sympathetic) gp…
I think it would be really beneficial for you to tell him/her everything that you have just told us. I went on to an AD about a month before I left my husband. I didn’t plan to. A friend of mine told me it would just give me a “gentle lift” and she was (as always) spot on. I haven’t suffered any side effects at all – they started me on a half dose just to make sure.

Are you having any sort of counselling at the moment?

I so know where you’re coming from, feeling that you’ve thrown your life away. On my bad days I feel like that too. But then I say to myself that I have brought up three wonderful children (in spite of the constant challenge my marriage provided me with) and I also say to myself… well, that’s ok… that was a “phase” and it’s now time to look through some other doors and see what else there is out there. I don’t know how old you are, but I often post on the “women over 50” board. I have really down days, as you might already know, but the main thing I say to myself is that what’s done is done ( the choices we made before) but it’s up to us to change what is yet to come. And by leaving my marriage I have taken a step in the right direction.

Hugs
LB 💕💕

[gettingtired]

Thank you Lottie, I’ve messaged you xx

[queenmaeve]

What is more important to you a skinny body or peace of mind?

[KIP.]

I was on medication for years to treat a problem that was never mine in the first place. Medication just treats the symptoms and not the cause. Taking time away from your abuser won’t put on weight. Instead of a course of anti depressants how about going back home for 4 weeks and see how your mental health improves?

[maddog]

There are some drugs that have side effects of weight gain. The SSRIs don’t usually do this. A long long time ago I had a long standing eating disorder. I was put on an SSRI and for the first time in my life I felt a bit more normal. The same drug knocked the eating disorder on the head. KIP is so right that medication can alleviate symptoms. They can lift the darkness enough to make talking therapy more effective.

Please speak to your GP about your fears and your fear of gaining weight.

Codependency often seems to carry negative conotations. Everyone can be codependent, and it’s a habit of laying ourselves open to pleasing other people ahead of ourselves. It’s a habit we can work on with support to build our own boundaries. We don’t lose our empathy by doing this work.

Anti gloom pills can really help us to see the world through a brighter lens so we can do the emotional work.

Please keep on at your local WA.

Nobody deserves to be abused, no matter what horrors we’ve witnessed as we grew up.

[ISOPeace]

Hey! I can really empathise with what you’ve written.

I read somewhere that codependency is often used to explain why people stay in abusive relationships, but it’s actually a form of victim blaming. You are in the relationship because you’ve been brainwashed into thinking what he wants you to think to maintain control. Abuse is not a relationship problem, it’s the abuser’s problem. There may be some aspects of codependency but using the term implies that you are responsible for your situation, when the reality is that your abuser is fully responsible for his behaviour and has systematically manipulated you and exploited your tendency to put others first. Remember that blaming yourself is what he wants you to do and is a kind of survival tactic – if the problem is you, it’s not hopeless whereas if it’s him, there’s nothing you can do.

I know weight is a very loaded topic for many people. When I’ve lost weight through stress, I know it’s bad but if I’m honest I like the fact that I’ve lost weight. My guess is that you feel like you’re only just managing to keep your head above water and gaining weight would just be losing control of one too many areas of your life. You probably feel huge resistance to giving up yet another part of yourself because of the abuse. I would definitely talk to your GP as they will know what options are available.

I agree that pills won’t solve any root causes of problems but in my experience they can give you the space and courage to face things that have been overwhelming and as you gain strength you can reduce the dose. Of course don’t take them just to make living with your abuser easier but you’re not suggesting that.

I’m sorry to hear you think you have OCD. That must really add to the stress. I’m not sure it makes that much difference but you may not have OCD. I thought I had it but it turned out I had anxiety with obsessive tendencies i.e. anxiety causes me to feel compelled to do certain things. But I think with OCD there needs to be some kind of ritualistic aspect e.g. if I don’t do some activity/thinking exactly X times something bad will happen. Either way if you got help it would probably be some kind of exposure therapy i.e. rank things from low trigger to high and start trying to avoid doing what you would normally do when you get triggered by the thing at the bottom of the list. The idea is that you teach your brain that it’s ok to not do your “safety behaviour” and work your way up the list as each one gets less stressful.

It’s ok to feel c****y about your situation even if there are other people worse off. Your feelings are entirely normal reactions to what you’re experiencing and nobody here will invalidate or minimise them. We’re all here to support you. xxxx

[Catjam]

Hi, I totally get where you are coming from especially about the job front. I have had jobs that fit around the kids but have always been dead head jobs.
Years ago I plucked up courage to start an access course to go to university. I was there a few weeks before he talked me out of it into something else.
I always believed it was my decision but now I know he didn’t want me to appear smarter than him or to meet other people.
It took a few months to hear back from my local support group but hang in there. I have just finished a round of counselling to help me see I am worth more. We are so conditioned to putting these men first. Regardless of what I am doing I always stop it to give him attention when he walks through the door. If I don’t I feel really anxious. Even though I know I am leaving shortly I am having panic attacks at the thought of how he will cope on his own.
I too have been reluctant to get some medication but beginning to think I may just need something to help with leaving.
Your weight is the one thing you can control, the one thing that keeps you sane. Unfortunately I use food as my comfort blanket. I am hoping that in the future I will have a better relationship with it but right now my concentration is on leaving.
Don’t be too hard on yourself, I realised that I have been reaching out on here for months and even now I still question whether it’s abuse.
Take care xx

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