Viewing 10 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #118513
      Rose1
      Participant

      I have begged husband to be nice over Xmas as our son is home from university and I’ve seen less of him this year with the pandemic. He knows how much I have looked forward to him being home. Son has been here (detail removed by Moderator) days and husband has lost his temper badly (detail removed by Moderator) times. (detail removed by Moderator) he has really gone to town. Started by a suggestion that he perhaps drinks a bit less tonight as basically he’s been drinking quite a bit since (detail removed by Moderator)..this resulted in him shouting and swearing. Then his latest party trick is calling me very unpleasant names. This is based around the fact that (detail removed by Moderator) years ago I was going to leave him because of his drinking and his temper. I met a nice quiet man who offered me another life..but like a fool I talked it through with husband and at that time he said he recognised he had neglected me. He’d had actually spent (detail removed by Moderator) years in the spare room which enabled him to stay up late drinking and watching TV. Anyway it was decided we would make a go of things. Things were better for 6/7 months then it was business as usual..and now (detail removed by Moderator) years on hes started calling me names, and threatening to tell our son that I am a slave.. he’s making comments about me sleeping with other men..knowing our son can probably hear..I can’t understand why a father would want to do that to his son, a son who is a lovely gentle soul. I’m devastated. Then he follows me into the bedroom and tells ME to calm down and tries to touch me intimately. I feel like he is insane. I’m afraid and anxious I’ve lost all my confidence. I should be moving into a new role at work soon and I’m worried I won’t be successful at it as all my self confidence has gone. I’m so lost

    • #118514
      Hawthorn
      Participant

      Hi Rose,

      Just wanted to send you a big hug. I’m so sorry you are being subjected to such horrible abuse from your husband. How cruel to ruin your precious time with your son. The name calling is so awful and designed to chip away at your confidence. Know you are not what he says you are, it is likely a description of himself and his own horrible behaviour. Abusers project all their badness onto us and make out we are the problem. They cant bear for us to be happy, they only want power and control. To be king of their castle with everyone bowing and scraping to their every whim. Google the cycle of abuse/power and control wheel and gaslighting.

      Really well done reaching out here. Have you contacted your local womens aid? They wont make you do anything but will talk through your options with you and can offer you further support. You dont deserve any of this and it is not your fault. Keep posting here too.

      Big hugs x*x

      • #118530
        Rose1
        Participant

        Thanl you so much for reaching out Hawthorn. I will make contact with my local womens aid. Your reply has made me feel less alone this morning

    • #118518
      KIP.
      Participant

      This is what abusers do. They look for what they see as our weaknesses and hurt us using them. Abuse always gets worse. My ex brainwashed our son and I no longer see him. You need to get free from this abusive relationship. Abusers are liars. They use anyone in their game of power and pain. Destroying your confidence is his goal. You can dominate someone by destroying their confidence. Absolutely contact your local women’s aid. Take a look at Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Everyone is collateral damage including their own children. Just look at how he treats the mother of his child, why should he treat his child with decency and care? The very first time he abused you he gave you permission to walk away. My ex destroyed my career and made me unable to work. Talk to women’s aid about a safe exit plan. You don’t have to live like this x take a look at “the power and control wheel”. Google the cycle of abuse x

    • #118519
      KIP.
      Participant

      You are not responsible for his behaviour. Abusers love to see us distressed and you gave him the ammunition this year to use against you. He will look for what makes you happy and independent and destroy it. Sabotage it. Family, friends, hobbies, work. Abusers stunt our growth.

      • #118531
        Rose1
        Participant

        Thank you KIP. As you say why would he be considerate around his son when he is openly abusive to his mum. Our son is so unlike his father im pleased to say..but he’s also a bit of a worrier and `I am heartbroken to think his parents relationship has caused this. He has a lovely girlfriend and they have a very calm and lovely relationship, but a few months ago he said something a bit teasing to her, nothing bad but he immediately said sorry sorry and I thought hes witnessed his dad’s cruel jibes too often and now he’s worried about saying the wrong thing. I don’t want him thinking life is to be lived like your afraid of stepping on egg shells. Breaks my heart

    • #118532
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hey Rose, there is still time for him to mature and you can guide him. There are books by Lundy Bancroft that are good. The best example you can set him is to get rid of the abuser in your life. Children learn from their parents and are far more likely to be abused in adulthood if they’ve been brought up in an abusive home. Teach him that abuse is never acceptable from anyone. That it’s okay to walk away from an abuser even if it is his father. You can bet his father will manipulate him against you so stay alert. My ex was badmouthing me to anyone that would listen including my kids. Brainwashing them but you now have the upper hand in this and you will find women aid are a breath of fresh air and validate Everything you’ve experienced x

    • #118533
      KIP.
      Participant

      Because my son was unlike his father it made him more easily manipulated and lied to. If he was an abuser like his father he would stand a better chance against him. But my sone was the same, told me he could handle his father but he couldn’t and fell into his coercive control just like I’d once been.

    • #118536
      Rose1
      Participant

      Kip im so sorry to read about your son, hopefully in time he’ll see his father for what he is. Thank you for sharing your experiences..it often feels like your so alone when your drowning in all of it

    • #118537
      KIP.
      Participant

      Yes I remember. Your judgement is clouded by the fog of abuse. The Fear Obligation and Guilt. He’s going to abuse you no matter what you do. If it wasn’t for the time you left him he will simply make something up or change the goal posts. You know you can find happiness away from him. You owe him nothing. I was reality testing everything when with my abuser. Nothing made sense until I got to women’s aid where they told me he deliberately chooses to abuse and destroy me. It was a real eye opener. Read the recommended books and google the power and control wheel and the cycle of abuse. Knowledge Is Power. KIP x

      • #118550
        Rose1
        Participant

        The latest (detail removed by Moderator) is his suggestion that I hand over (detail removed by Moderator) pounds towards (detail removed by Moderator) for our son. He knows I have a little bit of money saved from my wages and he absolutely hates that he can’t see how much I have. He earns a very good salary and will never be short of money..I earn a fraction of what he does and as such have been saving for my own future. He actually said to our son your mum will give you a (detail removed by Moderator)..I’d give my son the moon but I know this is just husband controlling me removing more security

    • #118554
      KIP.
      Participant

      You’re absolutely right. My ex did the same. It’s more controlling behaviour. He couldn’t stand me having money. He would give it away. He even cancelled all the direct debits and then told me I had to pay half of all the bills. Knowing that I couldn’t afford them. You keep that money for yourself and if I was you I’d start giving it to a trusted family member because in a divorce you will need to declare any savings and bank accounts so start now hiding that money somewhere safe with someone you can trust. You can bet he’s doing the same. It’s financial control and it will get worse. Talk to a solicitor. Most offer free initial advice. You may not be ready just now to separate but it will do now harm to plans for the event. To be prepared. To have all your ducks in a row and to know what you’re entitled to. I walked away with the family home after him telling me I’d never get a penny and everything would be sold. Liars x

    • #118558
      Rose1
      Participant

      Thank you Kip..I do have cash hidden in the (detail removed by Moderator)..as ridiculous as it sounds. I will start to move money from my account. I know he has money in an account I can’t see. He gets bonuses from work and I rarely know how much. He absolutely resents me being able to buy anything without his say so..in non pandemic times when I was doing my degree and had little money of my own he’d love to spoil any trip to see a concert or a show by going on and on about the price of the tickets..I’ve never been allowed to buy a programme at the theatre..by the time I got to see whatever it was any excitement would be gone and he’d sit there with a blank expression on his face…yet hear him on the phone to a work colleague and he’d spin a completely different story..making himself sound like a fun guy loving his weekends! More faces than the town hall clock as my old aunt used to say

    • #118561
      KIP.
      Participant

      It’s not ridiculous it’s what we are driven to as victims of abuse. Survival mode. You know he would take the shirt off your back and leave you with nothing given the opportunity. And take great pleasure in doing so. I wish I’d been more prepared, I was totally honest still thinking he would somehow play fair. I was so traumatised I still trusted his lies. He stole tens of thousands of pounds I never saw again.

Viewing 10 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ Jobs

EXIT SITE

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account