Feeling down – need boost.

[Doris]

Hi all, I am feeling utterly devastated because of what I know now. I could not even get out of bed this morning because of this. Long story short, the more I discover about covert manipulation, control and abusive behaviour the more I recognise it in my husband. Like many of you out there I have always known there was something not quite right but I dismissed, diminished, ignored and totally trusted my husband’s version of life. But some things just did not add up. Small comments from others like “you’re a saint/patient” and “why do you let him talk to you like that?” but most of all the question that really bugged me was ‘why does he do what he does to me if he loves me’? Causing emotional meltdown and then behaving like nothing had happened.
Now I can join the dots. Now I can see why he fell out big time with his family – could not understand why at the time and took my husband’s side in the family row because I trusted him although my gut feeling told me otherwise. Now I see why his mother used to take to her bed for days at a time because I am going that way too. Now I question my husband’s version of his ‘terrible’ childhood that he uses as an excuse for anger issues. Now I can see why he is always saying my daughter and I gang up against him because he ganged up with his Dad against his Mum probably why she turned to the bottle. I utterly believed everything he said and I am an emotional wreck at the moment because the facade that was my life has irrepairably collapsed. I just want to cry and cry as the knowledge feels so crushing and final. I keep telling myself that I have to reach rock bottom before I can go up but I just do not have the strength. BTW he is so very concerned that I am in bed with a headache and keeps asking if I need anything but why do I think these are crocodile tears? You are all so supportive and get where I am coming from. Thank you WA for this site – it is priceless. X*X

[KIP.]

I’m so sorry Doris because I know how you feel. It was decades for me with my husband. Decades where I totally trusted him and everything he told me. Why wouldnt I? He was my husband and the father of my child, my soul mate, my husband. Why would he lie to me? Why would he cheat on me? It must all be in my head because my loving husband who I took vows with would never deliberately hurt me. Deliberately set out to destroy my soul, to destroy my mental health to the point I could no longer work. Even the professionals were telling me post natal depression, general anxiety disorder due to a miscarriage. Hogwash. The whole lot. It was when I found women’s aid that everything clicked into place. Accepting that our life partners are actually getting pleasure from destroying us is such a shocking revalation. It’s unbelievable. You’re suffering from shock, it’s going to take time to come to terms and make your next move. There’s no rush for this. Just take your time and eat and drink and do the basics until your brain works it all out x keep posting for support.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Doris, the realisation is finally being recognised by your body. You’re going into self preservation mode. It can last days, weeks or months, we’re all different. You’ve been busy finding out what he’s been like, being distracted and it’s just taken a wee while for it to really sink in. I was where you are now, when I first came across the WA forum. You are more knowledgeable than you were in the beginning, you’ve already started the process whole you were emotionally stronger. We can only rum on adrenaline for so long and then the body shuts down. You know he’s only acting concerned due to how low you’re feeling, trying to wheedle his way back in. It isn’t all black and white, if only it was. Just know we’re all here behind you, it’s times like this i wish we could storm the ramparts of the castle and rescue each other💞
That gutwrenching moaning that we scream when we realise our lives are a lie, it’s like we hear at gravesides, the desolation and devastation is awful.
This is why women are stronger than men when it comes to emotional pain. This is why we do get back up from rock bottom, it just takes time. Don’t push yourself, don’t try to put a face on it. I went months looking like a bag lady in the early days of accepting my oh is an abuser.i rarely washed, couldn’t eat, drinking tea or coffee went right out the window, I’ve still not got a great appetite or the desire to drink those drinks yet. Even still calling him that is difficult.
Abusers are drunk angry men who batter their women, their huge compared to us. When we accept that that is just a stereotype, that abusers can and are anyone who craves power over another and that he chose to abuse us, when we accept that, I believe that’s when we start to find ourselves again.
Our husband’s make us sick, it’s a known fact that abuse causes physical health problems, but the good news (so I’m told) is most of those health problems do get better when we’re not with them anymore. Let him run around, all faux concern, you know he’s acting and it can be used to your advantage. It’ll give you time to get yourself together, get your ducks in a row. Keep planning to get him out. Keep talking to your solicitor and WA, keep posting, maybe take a few days away from the forum, sometimes we need to regroup before we can face the next battle. The war is far from over yet. Keep vigilant, he’ll still be trying to covertly manipulate you even while he’s being nice. We sly words or phrases. “All this stress your putting yourself under, who’s been putting these daft ideas in your head”, I can just imagine what he’s saying. Keep journaling, especially while you’re feeling this way. We definately trivialise more than we realise.
I hope you feel better soon Doris. I don’t have as many of these down days now, but they did happen fairly frequently in the first few months. I do still have a day here and there, but I’ve learned that that’s part of the process and that I’ll be stronger the next day or in a day or so.
Take care mo charaid, rest as much as you can, while you’re sleeping, you’re not thinking😏
make sure you keep hydrated, plain water is so refreshing and it helps keep the brain working. It’s hard to eat, so even if it’s only toast and marmalade, eat that. You have to keep up your strength.
Love and best wishes IWMB 💕💕

[Fudgecake]

Hello Doris,
I’m sending you warm wishes and thoughts during this time.
It’s horrible when the realisation hits. I agree with IWMB who described perfectly what it was like and is like – I cried when I read your post IWMB.
Hard as it is Doris, try and stay strong. Don’t give up. He may have won a battle or two but he hasn’t won the war. As IWMB says, keep your strength up and try and eat.
Look after yourself xx

[fizzylem]

Sending you hugs Doris, yes the truth hurts, its a hard to swallow indeed, but it also sets us free. Do whatever it is you need to do to get through and if that is staying in bed and sleeping for a bit then so be it, as this is what you need; the key to healing is learning to listen to what it is you need and then giving this to yourself – always. Be with those you love when you feel able, and you know we’re all here for you too xx

[diymum@1]

hi doris this is your eyes being opened now, now that you understand the saying ignorance is bliss. the thing is its torment either way round. this is the process where your going to feel extreme emotional pain – thats normal – your grieving your life plan really – youll move on to anger, searching its when you accept this is a reality that hes not a good person or the person you once thought he was. it takes an element of all the evidence stacking up and then all you have left is to give up on him. thats how it was for me, it dawned on me this wont change, im the only one that can change this by walking away. i realised today that i was extremely trauma bonded. i met one of my old friends today and she saw me through everythng- she said god i didnt know how to get through to you – you were hell bent on making things change/ work – we could all see he was abusing you and you just could give up xx i wish i had severed those ties then but i didnt know what i know now xx i still felt deep shame when she said that to me – although i know in my heart none of us ladies should feel that shame or this hurt x*x much love diymum

[White Rose]

Hi Doris
How you’re feeling is familiar to many of us.
It will get better. I won’t lie – it’s definitely an uphill struggle with lots of down days when you’ll feel you’re getting no where but it is worth the fight to get there.
There’s enough of us on here to listen and offer support when you need it. Nothing will shock us. Remember they don’t call us survivors for nothing!
I hope you manage to sleep. If you feel things are on top of you remember Samaritans are always there as well as helpline, and don’t be afraid to talk to your GP.
Chin up. You’re stronger than you think and way tougher than he realises.
Remember the saying about a women being like a tea bag? You don’t know how strong she is till you put her in hot water! My nonagenarian mum threw that one at me frequently when I felt I was losing my ability to fight and as a tea lover it helped me x*x

[Doris]

Thank you all for your kind support. I had never heard the saying about the teabag but it’s so true. I am feeling a lot more positive today after grabbing some sleep and not being subjected to comments, accusations etc. as I stayed firmly in my own bedroom yesterday away from husband which is a like a sanctuary at the moment. Yes, I know I cannot return to the unequal power relationship with my husband but I am at a loss as to how to leave so probably tears of frustration as well as sorrow. There is a large family occasion coming up in a few months and I certainly do not want anything to ruin that day so I have to try to just keep going with all this knowledge until that day is over. On the plus side I will see my kids afterwards and will try to speak to them gently about all of this before I make a move and get their take on things. I am fairly sure they will be supportive as they are well aware of Dad’s ‘anger’ issues. Thanks again peeps. Love to you all. X*X

[Queenie]

How can I protect myself whilst I am waiting to leave? Having realised that my oh is an aggressive, controlling, mean spirited bully and thatvthe way he has been making me feel is abuse I know that I can never unknow and that I have to end this relationship. I cannot leave straight away for logistical reasons and the worry is that he will somehow manage to bamboozle me into carrying on the sham that is our marriage. He knows that I am going, I have told him so and he is currently reading about Emotional Abuse and how to not let it ruin your relationships. I know this because he is making sure that I get a glimpse of his ipad or phone. Now that I can see his manipulation for what it is I cannot believe that I haven’t noticed it before. It is so onvious and childish that I have actually laughed out loud at him twice. The fact that I can laugh is amazing becauae my heart is full of sadness. How should I respond to him and his now predictable, childish attempts to continue abusing me. Help please, I want to make sure he knows I will no longer respond to his manipulation or his attempts to make stay and in his words ‘ help him work through his issues’ to save our marriage. I have told him that ‘our marriage’ is not anywhere near the top of my priority list. The top of my list is ‘fixing’ myself…as an individual, a women and as a mother. Our marriage ‘died’ when he started to put a lot of effort into bteaking me down…I just didn’t know it then but I know it now. How do I get through these next few weeks? x*x

[Iwantmeback]

Wow he’s reading about emotional abuse, that scares me. I bet it’s not to better himself but to get ideas how to put you off balance. Or am I just being very cynical?
Laughing is a defence mechanism, we do it to diffuse uncomfortable or threatening situations. Keep journaling his behaviour, and try to go grey rock with everything he says and does, record conversations if safe to do so and if you can remember to do it too. Make sure your mobile is always fully charged and that you have a spare charger in your bag.
You could play at helping him through his issues until it’s time to go. The less he catches on to your plans the safer and better.
Good luck for the coming weeks.
IWMB 💕💕

[Author]

Posts