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    • #127146
      Gazebo
      Participant

      Had another row (detail removed by Moderator) but how I’m not affectionate enough and how I don’t hug him or have cuddles or initiate sex….one thing he said in the row was ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’ we have two small children – this worries me that I will never be able to leave and al completely stuck 🙁 I don’t feel strong enough to leave him and don’t want to break the family up but I don’t feel I can give him what he wants gs after the last few years. He’s gone off to work in a sulk as always and I dread evenings once kids are in bed – I do start to wonder am I the one with the problem and I causing all this if I gave him what he wanted it he wouldn’t be like this but I can’t stand him near me 🙁

    • #127151
      Jedi warrior
      Participant

      Hi just wanted to reach out ..its not your fault I have been made to feel the same that I didn’t want my husband enough met him halfway ..never enough ..it chips away at our feelings if u are made to do something you don’t want to do ..it won’t get any better once feelings are gone they are gone as I have realised ..stayed until my children have grown up and realised I wouldn’t ever want to be on my own with him anymore ..was pressured and coerced for a large part of marriage..I put up with it far too long for the sake of my children ..reach out for all the help you can it will help validate how you’re feeling and help you I wish I had done it years ago and moved on ..

    • #127181
      Bettertimesahead
      Participant

      Jedi, I too stayed way too long, but as you say we do for the sake of the children. However we can only leave when we are ready. I am trying very hard too not dwell on the fact I stated as hes not going to spoil my life now I have it back

    • #127183
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Hi Gazebo,

      Another post I could have written.
      It’s not you, it’s him.
      He is using guilt to force you to have sex with him. Would you do something like that and be able to enjoy sex after making the person do it with you? That was a rhetorical question to get you to see how ridiculous he is behaving. I can’t imagine making someone have sex with me in any way shape or form. It’s wrong!
      My ex made me feel so violated. He would blame me for feeling that way. But he was actually violating me.
      It can take time to leave. I worried about breaking up my family too.
      Take care xx

    • #127184
      ISOPeace
      Participant

      Hi Gazebo, I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling so down. I know it feels really terrible when you feel stuck and can’t see how you’ll ever leave. Your post has been edited so I don’t know what you wrote about why you can’t leave in relation to your children. I have two small children and have recently left so I may have faced a similar issue. You can PM me if you like, or try to explain it on here in a less identifying way. My experience was that there were lots of things that made me feel completely stuck but I did manage to leave. Some of the issues weren’t as big as I thought and some I managed to deal with though becoming more informed e.g. getting legal advice.

      I can assure you that you are not the problem. Have you read up on abuse? I would highly recommend you do. Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft is truly eye opening. You say you don’t feel you can give him what you want. Sadly, the nature of abuse is that you will never meet his expectations. Naturally, you are seeing his behaviour through the eyes of a normal person. But abusers are playing a different game. He believes his partner is there to meet his needs before her own and that he is entitled force her to do that using threats, intimidation, aggression, manipulation etc. Giving him what he wants would be impossible. You would need to be a mind reader, foresee his every whim and make no mistakes. The more you managed to meet his needs the more he would raise the bar. The more you tried the more you would lose yourself (which it sounds like you are already feeling).

      You don’t have to feel strong enough to leave right now. It takes time, but it is possible. I didn’t feel strong when I left, I just eventually felt just about strong enough to do it. Ultimately I just couldn’t put my children through living in a war zone any more. I didn’t want to break up the family but pretty much anything you read on abuse will say that living in an abusive home, even if they don’t witness the abuse, is incredibly painful and stressful for them. They know something isn’t right. They absorb your fear, your sadness, they can tell when you’re trying to pretend everything is ok. They could end up learning that people who love you will hurt you or that it’s ok to hurt your partner. Sorry, I’ve gone on an bit. I’m just trying to say that putting up with abuse for the sake of the kids is not in their best interests. They deserve better. You deserve better.

      As Bettertimesahead says, we can only leave when we’re ready. It is totally normal to struggle to leave (look up trauma bonding if you want to understand it better). Anyone who understands abuse will not judge you in the slightest. You can only do your best, and the fact is that it is really hard. But you can do it. Take baby steps. Reach out to Women’s Aid. Posting on here is a big step on the road to freedom. Sending lots of love xxxx

      • #127311
        Gazebo
        Participant

        Thank you so much for your reply, I feel I can’t leave one because I don’t want the kids to have to leave their home and two financially I couldn’t afford to keep the house 🙁 and I’m scared of what he may do. We had a row the other day and he said I’m not losing this family because of you… and night before last he said are we having sex tonight I said no he said (detail removed by moderator) it makes me feel sick and now completely on edge that’s what he’s expecting. He sits on a evening at the moment right next to me touching me leg or holding me hand it’s like he’s pushing it and controlling me and like you will be affectionate to me 🙁 I hate it.

        Would you find this weird to he sent me a picture on his phone it was (detail removed by moderator) …this was the other night and I find it so creepy 🙁

        I want to read that book but I’m scared he’d find it.

        One day I will manage it I have got my self a job now but waiting to pass probation I feel like that’s one step forwards…..

        Thanks again for replying this forum really does help me not feel alone xx

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