Feeling emotional

[Sunshinedrops]

(detail removed by Moderator) I had begged him for support and why are we still going round on the same subject and him given me false promises that he will support me but then goes back on it and says he doing enough! This may be quite vague for you to read, but it’s so hard to ask for help, and admit you have problems only to be let down again.
If I flipped this around I’d be doing everything to help and try to get solutions
If he truly loved me, would he not do this!
Ended up me storming off and crying while he slept on the sofa, (detail removed by Moderator) he up cleaning, singing and it’s annoyed me! Like nothing happened!and he looked at me that I somehow started the drama! It’s so up and down I don’t know how long I can keep doing this!
I sat thinking what my life would look like if it was just me and the children, and it seem nicer, but I don’t want to hurt him, I don’t want to break his heart! Why do I care so much instead of my own needs! Ugh 😩
Thanks for reading x

[Lisa]

Hi Sunshinedrops,

Thank you for posting, I’m sorry you had such a hard day. The ups and downs you explain are part of the abuse and are completely exhausting. It really sounds as though your instinct is telling you deep down that life could be happier without him. I suggest trying to trust yourself that this is part of the process and you will keep learning and working out what’s best for you and your children. When you’re with an abusive partner their behaviour over time makes you feel responsible for them, but you are not. He is the only one responsible for himself, he is an adult who coped before he met you and will also do so if you separate.

I hope you are managing to get some local support in place. If you’d like to talk in more detail you can chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Keep Posting,

Lisa

[Bananaboat]

I just wanted to say my ex did exactly the same with the cleaning and singing – it’s so intimidating but impossible to say to an outsider as he’s painted himself as a saint for cleaning. I can’t listen to certain songs anymore as they trigger that anxiety.

The other important line of your post is that you don’t want to hurt him, gosh yes spent hours and hours thinking that myself but lovely, he’s hurting you. And worse, he knows he’s hurting you, he’s enjoying it and isn’t sorry for doing it. It’s a hard fact to accept but they don’t care about us in the same way we do about them, and nothing (and I mean nothing I tried so hard) will be good enough to change him. You deserve better xx

[nbumblebee]

Ahhh sweetie I can relate not to the part about him cleaning mine seriously does nothing inside the house ive never even had a cuppa from him, but when hes been really nasty at night and he falls asleep i lie awakw worrying thinking about how i can be better then next morning he wakes up happy and joyfull as if nothing had happened. It messes with your mind right? And actually i think thats why they do it to make us even more confused.
You are not responsible for him his feelings or his needs he is a grown up, he chooses to hurt you.
What you need to do is put yourself first as hard as it is thats what you need to do you and your children not him. Xxxxx

[Sunshinedrops]

Thank you ladies for your message of support! When you say he growin up and I cannot change him, I’m thinking how did I get to this stage! My younger self probably wouldn’t tolerate it, so why is his feelings my responsibility, then again isn’t that what happens in long term relationship?!?

I’ve been in quiet funk all week, been busy with children going back to school and working too, I’ve basically spent the week, making sure the homework done, cooking in the evening and then staying in the kitchen, as I do not want to sit in the same room as him. Got some news about one of my children (removed by moderator) and tried to have a chat, only met with him not listening, walking out into different rooms them coming back, sitting down, then off again…. I was like w*f can you just listen, but unsurprisingly 😑 unsupportive as usual xx

[nbumblebee]

Alot of us i guess were once strong badarse women these men take all we have and all we are thats the sad truth. I have no answer sweetie none at all all we can do is fight on. I just said to another on here how lonley it is having nobody to talk too to talk about your day mine doesnt allow me to talk about my day so I get it. Dont stop learning dont stop talking keep on fighting xx

[Bananaboat]

Oh yes, now I’m out I think w*f were you doing, why on earth did you tolerate all this. Id also stay in the kitchen, or fold laundry so I didn’t have to be in same room, but even that we have to justify rather than being allowed to go for a bath or watch tv in another room just because we want to. Why do we get here? But they do it subtlety overtime like drip drip drip of Chinese water torture, and cushion it with nice times to trick our brains, it would be clever really if it wasn’t so cruel. I’m sorry he’s not being supportive about the diagnosis, that’s another classic trait of not being there when you need them, it’s like the more support you ask for the less you’ll get, awful when it’s about a child too.

Long before I left I started to research my options, any support or benefits I might be eligible for, looked at houses, read up about abuse, moved important papers or took copies, when he sulked I left him to it and watched tv in bed instead of sitting in same room – baby steps to make me feel like I had some control over my life, for months I didn’t act on it but it just helped mentally. xx

[Sunshinedrops]

Thanks banana boat, I think that’s why I’m exactly here. Nobody understands unless you’ve been through it! And just to get validation on how you’re feeling is nice change! I just have to keep going, Im trying to gather info about houses, ect but then just stop as it’s hard to face! But I think being here, is truly helping me understand my emotions and will make me stronger to make the bigger decisions xx

[nbumblebee]

Oh 100% the ladies on here have saved ne more times than i can remember we all get it here and nobody will judge its amazing to have such a safe space so use it sweetie as much as you need.
You are doing amazing. Xx

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