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I got to (detail removed by moderator) as a strong, independent , professional woman. Now two years with an abusive alcoholic. I feel such a fool. I wouldn’t treat my worst enemy the way he treats me. I have no idea how to get out đ We live in my house, he contributes nothing, but he won’t leave. He’s been arrested numerous times, but the police just let him go and he comes straight back here. I just want peace.
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I know. His family has disowned him, so he has nowhere to go. I’d be making him homeless and I’m struggling with that.
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Very similar to the situation I was in. My partner stopped working, gave up his flat and refused to apply for benefits. He made himself totally dependent on me, which meant that he would be homeless if we split.
He was abusive both physically and verbally so I couldn’t stay with him. Yet he refused to find somewhere else to live, even with my help and support.
In the end I had to report him for assault. The police arrested him and found him somewhere to live. He wasn’t homeless. He was given bail conditions not to come near me or my home again.
I don’t think I could have got him out of my house without the help of the police.
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That’s the position I’m in. He’s an unemployed alcoholic. He was in a rented place when we met. I had my own place. He wanted to move away, so we did. He’s never contributed financially and his drinking has taken me to the brink of financial ruin. Even knowing how bad things are, he’ll smash things up and leave taps running to spite me. At some point, he’ll be arrested again, I’m sure, and I’ll beg the police to not let him back here. He spent a few nights in the local homeless shelter a while back, but says he’d change and like a fool,I believed him.
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He could apply for housing benefit and get his own place, but he won’t. Life is better here and who would be have to blame for everything that goes wrong in his life? He’s destroyed all his relationships and I’m all he’s got, but he can’t even be nice to me. I’ve got an important meeting at work tomorrow. I’m anxious about that, but he’s kept me up pretty much all night now with his ranting and raving, insults and threats.
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He is not your responsibility. He is using you. Sucking the life and soul from you and he will continue until he destroys you. The sooner you get rid of him the less damage and debt you will have, Women’s Aid can support you. Google trauma bonding. Think of what advice you would give a stranger. If you feel guilty can you get somewhere for him? Move his stuff elsewhere? You have nothing to feel guilty about. Perhaps AA could help find him somewhere.
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I asked my husband to leave a few months ago, hes an alcoholic. He is currently in a hostel. Went through detox but choosing to still drink. I am filing for divorce and part of me feels bad that he will get the petition in his hostel room while I am in our family home but then I think he chose alcohol , abuse, what he did over us. I dont know what lies ahead and whether I will be able to stay here. It is tough but there is support for them if they want it.My husband is getting support but not helping himself, not accepting responsibility, and this helps keep be strong
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You are describing my life to a tee. In my (detail removed by Moderator), professional,successful. Him unemployed, violent alcoholic, smashing up the house, doing spiteful things to hurt me, such as running a lit cigarette across an expensive rug.
I almost lost my house because I got into such a financial mess.
I kept it to myself and didn’t make police statements because I felt embarrassed.
He absolutely refused to leave.
In the end I got sick of being assaulted and abused. The final time he was arrested, i made a statement and his bail terms were such that he could not come to the house. I know how hard it is to make someone homeless but in the end I had to save myself.
Please talk to WA if you can. Feel free to pm me. My story is identical to yours, except im know free Ă
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And you’re describing my experience too. At the start everything was going to be amazing. Luxury holidays and travelling the world. How he would look after me. Fast forward to me racking up debts to pay for his addiction and on ending the relationship feeling such guilt that he is unemployed and no longer living a nice house with a nice life. Why do I feel guilt that this is the case when his nice life resulted in mine being miserable?
I feel embarrassed that I allowed this to happen. After all I’m a reasonably intelligent successful person in all other areas of life. How could I be so stupid? And how did I repeatedly think things would change and get sucked back in?
I had to do so much reading and learning to acknowledge that I was powerless at the time to make the change as I didn’t understand why everything suddenly shifted between unbearable to great. Now I do I still find it tough to not get sucked back into drama and the ‘buzz’ that that would give me. Or to try and convince him and explain why this relationship ended due to his behaviour and not my deficits but what’s the point? With my need to be the ‘good’ or ‘nice’ one against his need to be right this will always be a circular argument and there is no resolution.
How I did it was leave and inform the police and then they made an agreement for him to leave on a fixed date and I returned to the house after he’d gone. I did get some advice from WA before leaving as as the house is mine they said it was OK to do and he would had to leave. I then got conflicting advice after leaving where the police said if he didn’t go they couldn’t make him. I panicked but WA assured me that this wasn’t correct. He did leave so it worked out OK. I’m not suggesting it as a strategy but I had to get out quickly for safety reasons.
Its an ongoing saga but my choice is to be happy in the future. Even if its difficult now is so much calmer and that feels good for the soul.
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I find it incredible that so many of us have been married to what appears to be the same person.. they donât work, lazy, expect life served on a plate with all the trimmings, we wait on them hand and foot making them happy and comfortable whilst we are slowly ground down and end up miserable and usually skint. Issues with alcohol, drugs, anger & violence.
Then we feel guilty for leaving them / getting out. Because theyâre no longer lounging in the perfect life we created an financed for them.
So glad I got out. Wish everyone could x
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There are so many similarities. It is like they read a manual. I always thought mine wasn’t an addict but now I think about it, he was addicted to buying and hoarding ‘stuff’. I ‘worked from home’ while he basically staying in bed all day on the net buying things we didn’t need while I supported him, tried my hardest to ‘understand him’, manage his moods and tantrums. If I challenged him, he went berserk or accused me, or lied, or gaslighted, or got angry, or pushed me, or went out all night, or didn’t speak to me for weeks. I paid all the bills and we lived in my home. He said he wouldn’t leave even though he clearly thought nothing of me and acted like he hated me. Eventually, when things escalated, I called the police to get him out. Lo and behold, he had a bolt hole to go to all along. His stuff is all still here though, clothes, belongings, boxes and boxes of c**p that he bought blocking up rooms and corridors. He was supposed to pick it up and we made arrangements but he didn’t show up. My home is basically a storage unit it is so depressing. I really loved this man. So much. He future faked a whole fantasy world that kept me hooked for years but never materialised. Now, he has gone, I am being treated for trauma and also have my finances completely wrecked but am starting to rebuild and take control. I am so much older now so pretty much have to fast track everything to get myself stable. These men are the pits.
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Same. He almost ruined me financially and I’m not out of the woods yet. Had I been in my 20s or 30s, it wouldn’t have been such an issue, but I’m in my (detail removed by Moderator) and running out of time to put it right.
If any of my friends had said to me that they were living with a unemployed, violent alcoholic who had made them feel like an intruder in their own home, I would have thought them crazy and how b****y dare he, but did it for a long time. Yes,I got him outin the end, but it broke my heart. I mourned for the man I thought he was, the life I thought we were going to have and for the woman I was before I met him. I’ve been out for many months and it still hurts me. My head tells me I’m lucky and he didnt deserve me, but sometimes my heart still hurts so much.
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