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My husband of (detail removed by moderator) tells me he loves me and we’re in touch, he wants to help around the house etc and still wants a relationship we live separately now and I feel trapped.The thing is he’s an Alcoholic and not willing to change.I have met someone else and feel so scared to tell him I really need some advice on what I should do 🤔 why am I so frightened of upsetting him and scared of the consequences 😞 he wants sex with me when he calls over and I’m ashamed to say we have,it’s a total mess .
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Hi Managing111,
If your husband is an alcoholic and told you he’s not willing to change then nothing is going to change is it? You need to reassess your boundaries and put some firm ones in place to make it clear to your husband that you have separated and that he cannot just turn up at your home whenever he wants to.
If he has been violent and intimidating and threatening to you in the past then I understand why you are scared of upsetting him and fear the consequences, but your reality is that leaving him hasn’t actually changed anything has it? He still does what he likes, still disrespects you and comes and has sex when he wants to.
This may seem harsh, but I really do not think you are ready to be meeting someone else and be in a relationship with someone. Leaving an abusive relationship is really hard and it takes its toll on our mental and physical health. We really need to educate ourselves about abuse and give ourselves time to adjust and refocus on healthy behaviours so that we don’t end up with similar men in the future. You really need to take this one step at a time.
If you really want him out of your life then send him a text telling him that this is your decision and he is no longer to come to your home. If you can afford a door bell camera then get one and then you can record that he is coming and disrespecting your wishes. If he keeps turning up uninvited you will gain evidence of harassment. You can talk to him via your phone app/camera and tell him to go away, and this audio is also recorded. If he’s abusive to you then even better evidence on the camera! If he refuses to go away then you call the police, especially if he has been violent in the past.
Once you start putting some boundaries in place the ‘mess’ should start to sort itself out. This will help your self confidence to come back. Maybe tell your new man that you need to slow things down and you’re not ready for a new relationship yet and can you have a bit of time out to sort out your ex and the issues that are going on? If he’s not ready to accept this and give you some space and wait then there’s a red flag there already. If he really likes you and is prepared to wait for you to sort things out that’s a good sign. The truth is, if he finds out that you’re having sex with your ex then that relationship is in trouble anyway.
If you and your husband live separately then you separated for a reason, don’t lose sight of that.
xx
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Not been on here for over a year after splitting up with my alcoholic,husband of (detail removedby Moderator) years I’ve moved on and have met a lovely man but since my ex has found out I’m in a relationship he has (detail removed by Moderator) and I feel so sad for him but I can’t go back with him,what do I do? Cut all contacts with him as it’s obvious we can’t be friends 😞 he says he loves me and can’t live without me so i feel if he died it would be my fault 🥹 advice Please
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