Feeling Guilty

[Littlemissmermaid]

Hi everyone,

I’m new here, and feeling extremely overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and sadness.

My husband and I have been struggling for the past (timeframe removed by Moderator) months to reconcile and rebuild our relationship following an affair, but his anger and outbursts have continued and in fact worsened over time, despite hundreds of hours of both solo and couples therapy, and continously ensuring that I do anything and everything he asks to show my dedication to him and saving our relationship.

Every day since he found out, I have received hundreds of messages from him. Some aren’t awful, and are just him asking why or explaining how he is feeling, but most of them are just horrific, filled with words like “w***e”, “disgusting”, and “abuser”. He has in fact claimed on many occasions, that as he himself is a victim of something so horrific, he is completely within his right to do or say anything he wants to be as long as it doesn’t involve physical violence.

Well, after months of me coming home to my parents distraught after being constantly battered by his vitriolic messages, my dad had enough, and went to ask the local police station for advice.(detail removed by Moderator) I did think my husbands behaviour was wrong, but I also believed I deserved a lot of it, and he wouldn’t have been acting the way he was if it wasn’t for the affair.

(detail removed by Moderator) I have spent months trying my hardest to rebuild our relationship and regain trust, and now I feel like that has all been for nothing, and he is going to think I have betrayed him yet again, when this isn’t what I wanted at all.

Will I ever stop feeling guilty? It is absolutely eating me up inside.

[Lisa]

Hi Littlemissmermaid,

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been going through, it sounds incredibly difficult. There is nothing that could justify your husband treating you in this way. He has a right to leave if he feels he can no longer continue in the marriage, he does not have a right to abuse you.

It’s always hard when the decision about what you want is taken out of your control, as has happened by your dad speaking with the police. You deserve to decide for yourself what support you want and when. You have nothing to feel guilty for in this. Talking about the reality of what’s happening isn’t betraying your husband. He is responsible for his behaviour and he is continuously choosing to be abusive towards you. Affairs happen in lots of relationships and partners manage to move forward without abuse.

You might find it helpful to reach out to your local domestic abuse service for some ongoing support, they may also be able to provide advocacy in dealing with the police, if that would be helpful.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Author]

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