Feeling guilty

[AnkaBa]

I’m just wondering is anyone has ever been made to feel guilty for going out without your abuser?
I’ve made a work friend and for the first time in many years I’m being invited out and more specifically to her house to watch some movies and stay over
The issue is my partner acts like I’m a abandoning them and guilt trips me the entire run up to it, whilst accusing me of cheating the whole time.
Has anyone experienced something similar with being made to feel guilty for having your own life?

[KIP.]

Absolutely. It’s called coercive control. And eventually you won’t go out because it’s too much hassle. Which is exactly what he wants. How dare he accuse you of cheating. Be aware that when they accuse you of this the chances are he’s cheating or has done so be alert. Have you read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. It’s a good book to start with but he’s showing very typical domestic abuser behaviour.

[AnkaBa]

I hadn’t heard the term coercive control before and now it makes so much sense that I’m looking it up. It all sounds so familiar.
Glad I’m not alone here, I’ll definitely get that book! Thank you so much

[Anonymous]

yea I used to see my friend very rarely many maybe twice a year and when I did go out I was always the first to leave and never had more than 2-3 drinks when I got back he would be cold never ask how was my night did I enjoy myself the things a living partner should ask then one time he accused me of being out and talkin to other men. This is more than just jealousy from that I never went out as it just wasn’t worth it I said to him that I literally have one friend and now I don’t even have that because I feel like I’m not allowed to, they don’t care. And turned out he cheated ALOT. So the accusation came from the fact he was doin it himself.

I feel they do it so gradually that you don’t even see it happen it took me years and year and was like the penny dropped and after all those years I’m looking back and can actually see how he managed to control me where as before I just didn’t see the coercive behaviour. Every argument every demand and every bit of controll didn’t seem individuals an issue but when it’s put all together it is a major issue.

[AnkaBa]

Hey there,
Everything you just said is basically what I am experiencing. I get treated like I’ve done the worst imaginable thing once I return from being out, and while I’m out I get a lot of abusive messages and he ends up saying thing like I just shouldn’t come home, when he knows I have no where to go

Thanks for sharing some of your story with me I feel less alone each time someone shares.

[TakingBack]

we all know wat a healthy relationship is, right?
we should want to spend time with our partners and want them to spend time with us but to love a person is to want them to have friends and a good time without us as well so we can come home and share more still with our partners (surely) ?
missing someone isn’t a ‘bad’ thing
but making someone feel guilty for talking to or spending time with others is messed up!

I’m even made to feel guilty for needing a little time alone
Is it really fear in a partner or simply a need to ‘control’ ?
Does that need come from fear and is there anyway time can change it
or is it simply ‘a controller’ who’ll always be the same ?

Do others find themselves searching for excuse after excuse because they still want to believe this is love ?
#confused.com 🙂

Thank you all for sharing stories and support x

[Author]

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