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    • #145499

      This might just be more of a “me” thing but I was wondering if other felt similarly after coming out of an abusive relationship. I don’t think I ever used to be this sensitive in this way. For some reason I’m finding it excruciatingly painful to accept help and support after leaving my abusive ex?

      Long story short I’m currently homeless after leaving my ex – but am extremely lucky to have a very supportive mum and a generous friend who have been letting me sofa surf with them until I can get myself sorted out. I know this isn’t the case for many women and I’m so grateful they’re supporting me.

      I just feel so guilty since I got here… I’m currently staying in my friends place and I feel too intrusive to use the kitchen, I feel like I have to constantly apologise for doing normal things and refuse any extra favours – to the point people are commenting and even saying they’re finding it annoying that I can’t just relax.

      This doesn’t really feel like my “normal” I can be overly-independent at times and worry I’m taking too much from people… But at this point i’m too anxious to ask if I can do my laundry… I know this sounds ridiculous

      Just feeling very unstable and lonely and not sure how to process anything when I don’t have any space of my own and all my things are all over the place. I want to be able to cope a bit better and I’m worried my chronic worrying or hiding away/making myself small is making me seem ungrateful or unfriendly.

      I guess this might be a normal impact of treading on eggshells for years and having to look after my ex’s needs so much… I just don’t really feel like me. On top of this I started taking medication for depression (Whilst in the relationship) and I can’t work out if it’s making me feel strange/numb/disconnected

      Is this normal?

    • #145512

      I’d say so, pretty normal or at least not something just you are experiencing. We’ve spent years in survival mode being told we’re useless, on heightened alert, that it’s bound to have impacted us.

      Hyper independence is a well recognised outcome of abuse and it’s probably feeling more noticeable as you’re not in your own space yet. On the rare occasions I do accept help I worry way too much if I’ve thanked people enough / will they be annoyed at helping me. I’ve had ppl comment that it’s annoying I don’t accept help but it’s not me being nasty, after so many years of being let down I’m just no longer wired to expect it. Unfortunately it’s another one of those areas where ppl who haven’t experienced abuse just can’t quite understand but no lovely, you’re not alone xx

      • #145665

        Thank you for taking time to reply and some reassuring words. It really does make a difference x

    • #145628

      Omg I resonate with your post so much!
      Since leaving my own home I constantly feel like I just need to hide away and not be a pain to anyone. I feel guilty for silly things like washing my clothes and cooking my little ones dinner, as though I most be the most annoying person in the world and feel so incredibly guilty for just existing in someone else’s place.
      I also find it hard to accept help, mostly because of the feelings of guilt that I have. Even reaching out to friends via text i instantly have such overwhelming feelings of guilt that I just want to hide away.

      Like you, I don’t have any space to begin to process things which I really feel like I need. And then I worry that I seem ungrateful for being out of the abusive household.

      Although I can’t really advise, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in feeling like this. Someone said to me that it is because I have been so on edge living with my ex for so long that even doing ‘normal’ things like the washing has left me with those feelings of anxiety in case I am doing something wrong in someone’s eyes.
      I am hoping with time it will ease.
      I am also desperately hoping that I can somehow find a way to get myself some space in order to start healing. I hope the same for you to.
      Keep reaching out, we are all here for you. Xx

      • #145664

        It’s so tough isn’t it – I’m in some ways trying to see the lighter/funny side of being a grown a*s woman hiding out in the spare room at my friends having picnic dinners on my sofa bed.

        Thank you for sharing how you’re doing too – I’m so sorry to hear it’s this tough and imagine with a little one – can only be far more intense to cope with. Thank you for your warm words. I hope you find that space yo need to to start healing.

        It must have something to do with a hangover from being so hypervigilant for such a long time – I’m trying to counter some of that feeling by revelling in doing the things I wasn’t “allowed” to when I was with him e.g. wearing the clothes that I like, talking to people/men without consequence, not having to tell anyone where I am or where I’m going. It’s not much, but it feels like positive steps towards feeling more myself.

        I hope you can find small ways in your circumstances to help alleviate some of that pressure you’re feeling. Reading you write about your feelings is making me want to say the obvious – that you’re not a burden or need to hideaway from people. You deserve the support you’re getting and I hope you can allow the people who love you to take care of you for a while. The irony isn’t lost on me that I feel the same as you! But I’ve just made a mental note to take my own advice here too 🙂

        Things will be OK and we’ll get there – thank you for being here and I hope you can keep using this space x

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