Feeling guilty and confused

[Tadpole]

I go from thinking I have an abusive husband and feeling absolutely certain of this, then the next day I think I’ve been over-dramatic and ridiculous. On the whole, I still view him as a good person who probably doesn’t intend to cause any harm. I think he genuinely doesn’t think he has done anything wrong. We have children together so I don’t want to take them from their dad and home if I have just misinterpreted something and have them hate me for it. He can be kind and generous, helpful to others.

However I’m starting to view his behaviour now manipulative, (detail removed by moderator) and bullying- whether he is aware of it or not. Its making me think back on the whole relationship. The first time we ever slept together, we had been watching a film at his house. I’d specifically said I didn’t want sex and I wanted to wait- more than once. We’d been kissing and he ripped my tights off and touched me. I felt ridiculous as though I’d led him on and I was too embarrassed to say no even though I didn’t want to. He carried me upstairs and I just let him. I always attributed this to me leading him on, miscommunication, so I ignored it even though it made me uncomfortable. On another occasion, we were both very drunk, but without ever having discussed it with me before and absolutely no warning he quite roughly started anal sex with me, which really hurt. He did notice I was shocked and hurt and in fairness he did ask if I wanted him to stop, but I let him carry on. It was our wedding night. I felt I would ruin our wedding and set our marriage off to a bad start if I stopped him. But I feel like it was wrong to do this without ever asking or warning me and we’d never done it before.

Other problems we’ve had I’ve just out down to bad temper, short fuse, not a morning person, not good with kids. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells trying not to provoke his temper. Its not physical and not directed towards me, but I do still feel scared sometimes get that horrible feeling in my stomach. I’m constantly trying to get children to behave and play quietly so he doesn’t get annoyed.

He doesn’t really contribute towards housework, maybe cooks occasionally. He will quite happily watch me struggle to do a million things and then say he’s tired and going for a nap. Whenever I have been working or studying (on a course at the moment) he has repeatedly messaged on several occasions how he can’t cope, children are being difficult, he’s even said he wants to kill himself. I have never really perceived this as anything other than he is genuinely struggling and possibly suffering from depression. I did actually end up quitting my job in the end. My grades have slipped 🙁

When we argue it can get quite nasty. He always resorts to horrible comments- swearing, I’m ugly etc. He got drunk and smashed up a bottle in our front room whilst I had our baby in my arms. He had to paint the room the next day to cover the wine stains. The worst thing he said to me which was last year was that he was going to go and have kids with someone else and not bother with our kids. More recently he’s said that if we split he’ll just disappear and not see the kids at all. He does genuinely love them I believe, but these sort of comments are the things I’m now starting to think are abusive and no longer just a reflection that he is struggling.

I think I need to leave him now. But when he’s normal and himself that just seems ridiculous to me. On these days I just think I have misinterpreted everything. Or I feel like I’m just dredging up the past too much. But even on these days I still think he is a (detail removed by moderator) that I know won’t change. I can’t ask him to leave as we rent from a family member on his side. Nobody will believe he could be this way so I doubt said family member would agree to kick him out. He also needs the house for work. What are my steps if I want to leave and find a house to rent? I do have a part-time work from home job so I have (detail removed by moderator) a month coming in but obviously, that won’t get me far. I’m scared to call WA in case they take personal information.

Sorry that this is so long. I feel like I could have written a lot more – its difficult seeing it in black and white.. Yet I feel I have been harsh and only pointed out his bad sides, some of which happened years ago. I feel so guilty to leave him :/

Thank you

[Flowerchild]

Darling Tadpole, there’s nothing here for you to feel guilty or confused about.

WHether he names it and understands it or not is neither here nor there: this is abuse, sadly. A decent, loving man would never initiate and persist with sexual acts without consent. That’s called rape.

He would never threaten to abandon his children and casually announce his intention to have more with someone else.

He would never undermine your engagement with your studies and throw obstacles in the way of your success.

He would never watch you going under with work and decide to nap instead of sharing the load.

Threats of suicide are nothing but emotional blackmail and can safely be ignored or, if you are in the least worried, dial 999 and report it to the police. They have to come and check if you tell them a human life is endangered. Usually these abusers are discovered calm and relaxed at home, often enjoying a beer in front of the TV sport! If he is actually serious, they can take charge and get help for him. If not, they will give him such a piece of their mind that he will not try it again!

Is it time to make a plan for a safe exit?

Flower x

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